This space is supposed to be reserved for serious political material like foot-tapping senators, planted public forum questions, broken candidates' buses -- or make that candidates' broken buses -- satirical magazine covers that most people don't get and Rep. Ron Paul's chances of stealing the Republican nomination from John McCain.
We're going to make an exception under popular demand and publish late the latest JibJab cartoon video. It's just great. Wonderful. Don't miss it if you can.
The best part is what Hillary does toBill when he says a certain word.
We hope you die laughing. If you need more information on this stuff, our colleague Mark Milian over at Web Scout has more than you need. Go there. But do come back; they don't know anything about the electoral college over there.
This week's provocative New Yorker magazine cover featuring Barack and Michelle Obama as armed and Muslim calls attention to a variety of myths floating around the country these days, mainly online, but also openly voiced.
To check on what you hear, the website snopes.com is valuable. It tracks and debunks urban legends of the e-mail variety. It could be the first place you go when that unexpected message pings into your inbox from another e-mail chain.
You can also search Snopes for more myths or alleged truths about others such as Sens. John McCain (he did tell a story once about a fellow POW in Hanoi who got beaten for sewing a U.S. flag on his prison shirt) or John Kerry (his photo does hang in a Vietnamese Peace Museum for being a war protester).
According to the site, here are the top myths about Barack Obama:
He is a "radical Muslim" who will not recite the Pledge of Allegiance.
He was sworn into office on the Koran.
Obama's church has a "nonnegotiable commitment to Africa" that is covertly Muslim and excludes non-blacks.
Obama has been endorsed for president of the U.S. by the Ku Klux Klan.
Obama's presidential campaign is being funded by Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chávez.
For the rest of the mythical Obama list, check out our colleague James Oliphant's intriguing story over at the Swamp.
-- Andrew Malcolm
Photo: Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Credit: Associated Press
There are always at least two sides to everything in politics. The up-side for Barack Obama of the persistent controversy over the Rev. Jeremiah Wright's black militancy and racist sermons was that it sure drove home the point to millions of thinking voters that the Illinois senator was attending a Christian church, which countered the even-more persistent online rumors about Obama being Muslim.
Remember the native costume photo that was or was not promulgated by the Hillary Clinton campaign way back when she thought she had a chance to win the nomination? It's still going around online.
But now comes another unwelcome development for Obama's camp.
The cover of this week's New Yorker magazine depicts Obama in one-piece Muslim garb and headdress fist-bumping his booted, Afro-wearing wife Michelle in camo clothes with an AK-47 and ammo-belt slung over her shoulder beneath a portrait of Osama bin-Laden while the American flag burns in the fireplace -- in the presidential Oval Office.
It's got everything incendiary except a vest bomb. Which is what should telegraph to most people that it's way over-the-top and, therefore, satire.
But politicians don't like satire because it's subject to differing interpretations.
Obama declined comment today, seeking not to elevate its importance. But, in a move that certainly drew more attention to a commercial decision with no hope of changing it, his campaign issued a statement by Bill Burton which Mike Allen of Politico.com reported as, "“The New Yorker may think, as one of their staff explained to us, that their cover is a satirical lampoon of the caricature Sen. Obama's right-wing critics have tried to create. But most readers will see it as tasteless and offensive. And we agree."
The McCain campaign immediately e-mailed a similar statement from Tucker Bounds: “We completely agree with the Obama campaign, it’s tasteless and offensive.”
Of course, the McCain people must say that, despite some staff no doubt chuckling behind closed doors over their opponent's new challenge. That's the problem with satire. A lot of people won't get the joke. Or won't want to. And will use it for non-humorous purposes, which isn't the New Yorker's fault.
A problem is there's no caption on the cover to ensure that everyone gets the ha-ha-we've-collected-almost-every-cliched-rumor-about-Obama-in-one-place-in-order-to--make-fun-of-them punchline.
So you'll no doubt see this image making the internet rounds in coming months by people who don't want to see the satire. And won't include the magazine's press release saying, "“On the cover of the July 21, 2008, issue of The New Yorker, in ‘The Politics of Fear,’ artist Barry Blitt satirizes the use of scare tactics and misinformation in the presidential election to derail Barack Obama’s campaign.”
In that issue is a non-satirical piece by Ryan Lizza about Obama's political start in Chicago. The Chicago Tribune respected columnist Clarence Page, an African American, said he found the cover "quite within the normal bounds of journalism."
Little doubt the incendiary magazine cover accomplished its intent of attracting attention on an otherwise slow-news summer Sunday. It'll probably sell more magazines too. And more Mylanta for the Obama offices.
--Andrew Malcolm
(By the way here's the actual article that goes with this satirical/incendiary cover. Warning: It's very long.)
This will be way past most of our bedtimes, but John McCain plans to test out the wee hours of campaigning next week with an appearance on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien." The Swamp points out that McCain was the first sitting U.S. senator to appear on "Saturday Night Live," whose producer Lorne Michaels also is the executive producer of the O'Brien show.
McCain has been on O'Brien's show before, but this apparently is the first appearance since he became the presumptive Republican nominee (we don't know if that means the band has to kick up a trumpet fanfare when he walks out or what).
And what better time to revisit some of O'Brien's previous barbs about McCain? With a rim shot on the snare drum to About.Com (to get the true spirit, click here after each joke):
Now that Barack Obama is the Democratic nominee, Americans are going to have to choose between the 46-year-old Obama and the 71-year-old John McCain. That's the choice. In other words, it's a choice between the Hillary-defeater or the Wal-Mart greeter.
Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states. Yeah. That's what he said. Meanwhile, John McCain said he's going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies.
This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, the Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land.
Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One.
Barack Obama's staff and John McCain's staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That's good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before "Wheel of Fortune."
Below is a video of one of McCain's earlier appearances.
And, yes, we know Rep. Ron Paul isn't going to be anybody's nominee. But he could be.
We are sincerely indebted to loyal Ticket reader Travis for this morning's week-ending chuckle.
He found a website that lets you nominate anyone for president (insert name here) and incorporates their name in a most realistic TV news video report.
You can see how ridiculous the site is by watching this version -- before you start pranking family and friends. (It might take a minute or so to load if busy.)
And thanks again to Travis. If anybody else comes across good/fun/unusual political sites, just send them to The Ticket please. We might highlight yours.
Americans like their pets. Two out of three of our homes have pets, a whopping 163 million dogs and cats living as full family members.
And Americans like their presidents to have pets too, mainly dogs. Apparently voters think it says something about the chief executive's character or something. Try to think of a president who didn't have a dog run out to greet him at the helicopter. Even the jerk in "Dave" had a prop dog.
So while he's out jogging toward the middle of the political spectrum, the petless Sen. Barack Obama may want to stop off at Pets 'R Us well before November.
He's promised to get some kind of dog after the November election. But everyone knows about politicians' promises.
Meanwhile, Sen. John McCain, who has a full menagerie in his Arizona home, is building a lead among pet-owning voters, according to a new poll by the Associated Press-Yahoo News. McCain leads Obama 42-37 among pet owners and is especially strong among dog owners, perhaps because he's got about three of his own, including Ginger, above.
McCain also has a cat, two turtles, three parakeets and a ferret (good thing he doesn't live in California). Talk about a unity ticket.
It's amusing to picture the urban-dwelling, Ivy League lawyer Obama, surrounded by sunglassed Secret Service members, out walking his Maltese on Chicago's South Side and bending over by the curb for the pick-up with a plastic bag on his hand.
Obama does lead McCain 48-34 among non-pet owners. But alas for him there are many fewer of them in these 57 states.
To be sure, no politician goes online like normal people, not unless he/she wants those candid opinions published somewhere or subpoenaed by somebody else.
So it's not surprising that GOP presidential candidate Sen. John McCain claims to be computer illiterate. When George W. Bush entered the White House, he stopped e-mailing his brother Jeb for the same reasons.
What's a little unusual is that one of the country's most tech-savvy women, Carly Fiorina, is touting McCain's economic plans as tech-savvy and tech-friendly. Fiorina, who used to head Hewlett-Packard, has emerged as a prominent surrogate spokeswoman for the Arizona senator.
She says it matters not whether the former fighter pilot is on IM or Twitter. It's his broad, thoughtful economic and tax plans that are good for the tech world.
Our colleagues over on the Technology blog have the full story.
Political -- and Batman -- junkies probably already know about Sen. Patrick Leahy's little infatuation with Bruce Wayne's alter ego, Batman. He loves the character, and all those colorful evil incarnates, like the Riddler, the Penguin and the Joker. Leahy has even talked his way into cameo roles in Batman movies, and in "The Dark Knight," which opens July 18, Leahy gets himself roughed up by the Joker's goons. Bam! Pow! Ooof!
So strong is the Democratic Vermont senator's infatuation that he wrote the introduction for a 1992 book collecting some of the Batman comics, "The Dark Knight Archive," and has done voice-overs for childrens' Batman cartoons. And on July 12, Leahy will play host to a special premiere of "The Dark Knight" in that hot spot of Hollywood's elite, Montpelier, Vt. The proceeds will go to a local library that has named a wing after him. Leahy, that is, not Batman.
So as we head into the long Fourth of July weekend (that phrase is a journalism cue that it's a slow news day, at least at the moment), we wonder what other politicians might harbor secret infatuations with fictional crusaders, caped and otherwise? Or even better, what superhero might actually dwell beneath those dark (pant)suits?
Maybe John McCain in his, shall we say, crankier moments, as The Hulk? Barack Obama channeling The Flash? Hillary Clinton as Wonder Woman -- the first major female superhero? John Edwards as Batman's sidekick, Robin?
And they don't have to be the heroes. Go ahead and link politicians up with your favorite bad guys, too.
Let's just state right up front that if Scarlett Johansson was chattering publicly to even one person, let alone a media crowd, that we had any kind of relationship, The Ticket would in a nano-heartbeat confirm totally whatever she said. She'd be dead-on in our minds, indubitably.
That's partly why we were so down -- well, devastated really -- a couple of weeks ago when The Ticket learned and wrote that Scarlett -- we call her that because we've never actually met -- was talking publicly about her ongoing relationship with presumptive Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.
According to Scarlett, who's a fervent Obama supporter with phone calls and fundraisers and everything, the two of them were going at it pretty hot and heavy with the e-mails, back-and-forth and back-and-forth and back-and-forth.
And all of us, including Ryan Reynolds, Scarlett's alleged fiance, were left to guess exactly what might be in those electronic missives.
We learned of the Obama-Johansson relationship, as we learn of most important things, from our fellow LATimes.com blogger Elizabeth Snead over at the Dish Rag. Because of our nonexistent....
Enjoy it. Talk up a storm on the road. You've got only a few days left to use cellphones in your hand while driving.
Then, ring-a-ding, the new California law takes effect requiring that you shut the heck up or use a hands-free phone thingy. The cops don't need any other excuse to stop you, no cocaine blowing out the back window, nothing but holding that hand suspiciously up by your ear. (So no ear-picking -- too risky.)
And there are no warnings for first-time offenders. Just tickets.
Politicians in Sacramento, who live by the cellphone themselves, realized they could get a lot of publicity by championing this restriction, claiming that thousands, probably millions, maybe even billions of drivers were driving on California's crumbling highways distracted by conversations on cellphones and causing a gazillion accidents.
Who hasn't seen an accident or near-accident with (always) a woman talking on her cellphone?
So no doubt, starting July 2 the number of traffic accidents in California will plummet to near-zero and our collision insurance premiums will too.
Or not.
That's because these same underemployed lawmakers did not ban such things as cup holders, Big Macs on your thigh, dripping mustard, too many radio commercials on one station, nagging spouses, CD players, children squabbling in the backseat or dogs sitting in drivers' laps to enjoy the breezes.
That's still all A-OK. So The Times' famed videographer Jeff Amlotte and Pulitzer Prize-winning automotive writer Dan Neil creatively collaborated on this hilarious video to instruct California drivers on exactly what is still legal for them to do while driving after June 30.
Be sure to watch this video while driving. That's still legal too. Oh, and e-mail this link to everyone on your contact list, one by one. That's legal too.
Just before the president of the United States makes an appearance at a speech, a usually tall, muscular person with a machine gun hanging under his suit coat quietly walks on stage and hangs the presidential seal on the podium front.
It's an impressive looking thing that conveys a sense of the power of the top elected office in the land and, indeed, the free world.
But Barack Obama's crowd has decided not to wait for any of the formalities like a presidential election, an inauguration or even a nomination, which he still hasn't actually officially won yet. Wasn't it Hillary Clinton who was so sidely accused of thinking her nomination was inevitable?
Obama now has his own Great Seal already. And it is really, really big. It's big like the tires on those elevated pickups in the parking lot at NASCAR races where you look out the car window and see nothing but fist-sized lug nuts.
Obama's new seal looks really presidential, which is probably a coincidence, don't you think? Obama's seal has an eagle just like the president's seal and he or she is holding arrows to signify war, which Obama was against before it even started.
And it's got olive branches, which stand for peace, which we haven't really had since 9/11 but DailyKos promises will come as soon as we shoo out Bush and Cheney.
The seal's also got a terrifically impressive motto in Latin -- "Vero Possumus" -- which means "The possum speaks truthily."
No, just kidding. It actually means "Truly we're able," which translates as "Si se puede," which translates as "Yes, we can." Obama is clearly copying George W. Bush's Texas gubernatorial reelection motto from 1998.
Plus it's got Obama's website right up there too. Lord knows, he needs more donations because the poor White Sox fan from Chicago's impoverished South Side has only raised a little under $290 million so far.
As chronicled by our colleagues over at the Swamp, some folks figure he'll top a half-billion dollars before election day, now that he's scrapped his promise to take public funds, this year a measly $84 million to spend between Labor Day and Nov. 4. Public money was good enough for every other presidential candidate for the last three decades. But how could any serious candidate possibly get along on only $1.3 million a day?
During the Democratic primary voting, a lot of folks were fooled into thinking Obama agreed with public funds when he signed a pledge last fall to use them and told constitutents before that, "If we're still getting financed primarily from individual contributions, those with the most money are still going to have the most influence."
As Jill Zuckman notes in the Swamp, the John McCain camp is using Obama's own phrase -- "Don't tell me words don't matter" -- to skewer the Illinois senator on his finance reversal. But McCain doesn't have his own giant seal.
The Obama campaign is clearly counting on any stink over the broken pledge to blow over in the 136 days left before the election. And, of course, once Obama backers see the kind of first-class seal they're getting for $290-plus million, they may go along.
If Obama does raise $500 million, that'll mean he spent around two gallons of gas per vote. He raked in another $22 million in May, according to the Tribune's Mike Dorning, roughly the same as McCain.
Some people might be inclined to make fun of a grown candidate who's against an imperial presidency but needs a really Great Seal before he even gets the official nomination. Maybe they'd suggest that as good as things look now from the city of big winds, maybe he's counting his eagles before they hatch.
But even if he loses in November, for $500 million Obama and Michelle could build their own White House. And paint it any darned color they want.
For a video of Obama explaining his public funding reversal, along with subversive subtitles from the funny folks over at 23/6, click on the Read more line below.
On this, the first anniversary of our Top of the Ticket blog, we are reminded of the mercurial, unpredictable nature of U.S. politics -- part of what makes what we do so fascinating.
Our goal -- one of us on the East Coast and the other on the far more important or at least less humid West Coast -- was to write about Campaign '08 virtually around the clock.
Our second-ever posting, 12 months ago today, previewed an upcoming L.A. Times/Bloomberg Poll; later in the day, we detailed the results of the nationwide survey. The findings were in line with other polls of the time.
In the Republican presidential race, which then seemed the most likely to last deep into the primary season, Rudy Giuliani was perched in first place. His lead wasn't overwhelming, but it was strong enough that he appeared certain to remain a major contender.
His liberal record on social issues loomed as an obvious liability within his party, but his tough-on-terrorism message was attracting substantial support from moderates and GOP-leaning independents.
His major headache among rivals last June was an as-yet-undeclared candidate who was riding a wave as the great conservative hope -- Fred Thompson. He ran a strong second in the poll.
Lagging far behind were John McCain and Mitt Romney, each barely with double-digit support. In our preview posting, we were especially scornful of McCain, noting sarcastically (and foolishly, as it turned out) that in the poll, he found himself "in heated competition with the 'Don't Know' category."
Meriting no mention from us was Mike Huckabee, one of several back-of-the-pack candidates barely earning any support across the country.
The Democratic race, at that point, seemed so much more cut-and-dried.
Given that we live out here within smelling distance of the smoke from Universal Studios, we open this with the caveat that agents are always talking with someone about movie rights. That's what they do. Usually over lunch. A long lunch.
Still, given the reception for HBO's recent "Recount," about the Florida leg of the 2000 election, and the other projects already in the works on the Bush years (and there's still seven months to go), why not a film version of Scott McClellan's "What Happened" memoir of the George Bush White House?
Politico suggests Jonah Hill to play McClellan, which gets our speculation gene fired up. Who to play Bush? Who to play Dick Cheney?
That's why we have a comments section -- to let you answer such burning questions (hey, this is politics; it can't all be strategy and policy-wonk talk). Who would you cast?
Have you heard the one about the powerful vice president who got up in front of a bunch of people that he probably dislikes the most of any, other than maybe special prosecutors? And he told the most hilarious joke about incest in West Virginia.
Which couldn't possibly have been funnier unless it was about incest in Mississippi.
But this being an election year, even though not for this vice president, and West Virginians being as totally humorless as everyone knows they are, Dick Cheney had to quickly issue a statement apologizing to the people of the little state without whose five electoral votes in 2000 he would long since be a full-time fly-fisherman or dove killer.
Widely considered the most powerful No. 2 in the country's history, Cheney also absolutely loves the media. Can't get enough of them. Us. Which is why he agreed to present a bunch of awards at a Monday lunch at the National Press Club, the same institution where....
Later this week, John McCain's campaign is expected to confront head-on questions about his physical fitness to be president -- an issue stemming partly from his age -- with the release of his medical records and a briefing from doctors.
Over the weekend, McCain himself took a crack at using humor to deflate concerns about whether, at 72 years old on Inauguration Day, he would be stretching the appropriate age for someone about to start serving as president. During an appearance on "Saturday Night Live," he joshed about the matter. (Sample: a reference to his "great, great, great grandchildren," some of whom "are nearing retirement .")
McCain, though, is not alone in poking fun at his age. A recently unveiled website creating a buzz also has that goal -- as well as stirring a serious discussion of the topic.
The site, thingsyoungerthanmccain.com, is the brainchild of a fellow who, for now, simply wants to be identified as Joe. We talked to him and did learn that he lives in New York City and works by day as a graphic designer and copy writer. As for his own age, he's 40 -- not so far away from being viewed as hopelessly out of it by some of those born a few decades after him.
He makes no bones about his age-inspired skepticism toward a McCain stint in the White House.
"Am I being 'age-ist'?, he asks on his home page. "Maybe. But maybe not. The world is a pretty complicated place right now and I’m thinking that it’s not such a great time to elect our oldest president ever. So sue me."
He put up a handful of younger-than-McCain posts in April (Superman, the Hindenburg disaster, the ballpoint pen).
But he really kicked himself into gear earlier this month, upon learning that on May 12, his would be the featured site on veryshortlist.com. That sparked traffic, which in turn, spurred audience suggestions. Items younger than McCain (who was born Aug. 29, 1936) that are now featured include the shopping cart, the Slinky, macaroni and cheese ...
Starring in two short skits on the season finale of "Saturday Night Live," John McCain reeled off a series of one-liners that generally earned little more than mild chuckles.
But it's a good bet he and his staff could not be more pleased with the exposure he got -- especially the chance to use humor to try to defuse one of the big questions shadowing his presidential candidacy. And the audience's wild reaction.
That issue would be his age -- if he wins in November, at 72 he would be the oldest person ever to begin a first term in the White House. And McCain, well known for his vigor, played off that inescapable fact at the very start of a mock address to the nation he delivered about 30 minutes into the show.
What voters should be looking for in a president, he intoned, is someone who is "very, very, very old."
Later in the bit, the presumptive Republican nominee referred to his "great, great, great grandchildren," the youngest of whom, he added, are "nearing retirement." And, in his best deadpan, he asserted he has the "oldness" necessary to be an effective chief executive.
Polls have shown a larger percentage of voters say age -- rather than race or gender -- could cause them to turn against a candidate. So confronting the matter head on, and poking fun at it, may well be in McCain's best interests.
Rep. Ron Paul of Texas is proud of what he sees as his truly conservative credentials. He's for smaller government, much smaller. He's for foreign trade but not foreign military involvement. He wants to spend that money wasted on empire-building right back here in these United States of America. He'd also get rid of the Education Department and the Federal Reserve.
His followers, who reverently call him Dr. Paul, like the way he would strictly adhere to the Constitution as he sees it and return more freedoms to the little guy in the face of big government.
Paul fans -- regularly called Paulites, Paultards or Paulunteers -- also see a gentle humility in the weathered but wise hands of the 72-year-old OB/GYN, who reputedly has delivered about 4,000 infants into life in this wondrous world.
But there seems to be another side to Paul. A mean, vicious, cruel and uncaring side. A side that sees millions of humans -- albeit Myanmarese who are not registered to vote in Texas -- afflicted with a historic cyclone, countless thousands of lives lost, devastation everywhere, and that could care less.
This week when a Congressional resolution came up for a vote merely offering "condolences and sympathy" to the people of Myanmar affected by the recent deadly cyclone, Ron Paul, the doting grandfather, the millionaire, was the only member of the entire House of Representatives to vote "No."
The Myanmar resolution, like all those goofy pieces of symbolic legislation, would...
Anybody who watches the guest interview parts of the Sunday morning political talk shows gets more than his or her weekly dose of carefully-crafted campaign talking points.
It sounds like the politicians are answering the question. But half the time, if you run the tape back and re-listen, it's the answer they wanted to give to a question they didn't want to get.
Sure, "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report" and Jay and Dave and Jimmy do their nightly best to offer comedic insights to our zany politics. But it's too bad that fans of politics must wait almost a full week for the real thing on the next edition of NBC's long-lived "Saturday Night Live." There's a reason for the long-lived part.
This clip, from this last Saturday, is a classic, featuring ''Hillary Clinton'' making the case for why she should be the Democrats' presidential choice to run against Sen. John McCain instead of what's-his-name from Illinois, who's trying to steal the nomination simply because he has more votes, delegates and states won.
The Ticket* has been tipped off by a secret source that we cannot reveal that an unnamed ex-diplomat and his wife, who has a name but we're not saying she used to be a CIA operative, are about to endorse a certain female Democratic candidate for president. But we can't say who.
That's because the unidentified couple, who were so secretive they drove around Washington in a convertible sports car and posed for photographs in fashion magazines, seem prepared to sue anybody who ever identifies them doing anything except the publicity they want.
So watch out, K.R.!
Not that this will give anything away but the husband was allegedly involved in tracking down some no-longer-with-us Middle Eastern dictator's non-existent but credible plans to acquire yellowcake uranium in some very hot place in Africa, which could be used in constructing nuclear weapons. (The yellowcake, not the hot place.) Although The Ticket can't really talk about that a lot right now.
So, anyway, the ex-diplomat thought that some other unidentified people in the unnamed blandly-colored office/house where the president of the United States works when his unidentified daughter is not getting married was trying, in fact, to discredit him by identifying his still unnamed wife as a secret agent, although a lot of....
Barack Obama, in his most recent appearance on CBS' "Late Show with David Letterman," gave viewers a Top Ten list of surprising facts about himself (our favorite: "In the Illinois primary, I accidentally voted for Kucinich").
Hillary Clinton gets to give the list tonight (a nice little bit of exposure, as we previously noted, right before voters head to the polls Tuesday in Indiana and North Carolina), and she'll be elaborating on the reasons she loves America.
For those who can't stay up or have other late-night viewing habits, here they are: ...
Maybe Hillary Clinton should have stuck with whiskey. You know, screw off the cap and pour instead of hunting around for a buttons. Or, better yet, get the bartender to do it for you (helps the local jobs picture). This MSNBC-based video has had more than 700,000 views on YouTube.
This popped up in the email inbox the other day, part of the churn of political jokes floating around out there:
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain are flying together to a debate. Obama looks at Clinton, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." Clinton shrugs and counters, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy." McCain pipes up: "So? I could throw 100 $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy." Up front, the pilot mutters to the copilot: "I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."
Okay, not exactly Jon Stewart, but it's a good lead-in here on this spring Friday to open the comments sections for your campaign jokes. Clean, please, and relatively tasteful. Remember, your mother reads this blog.
We should have seen it in the stars, but next month in preparation for the potentially rancorous Democratic National Convention in Denver in late August, nearly 200 "highly respected astrologers" will gather in the same city.
There, they'll discuss such things as business and financial astrology, Pluto's entry into Capricorn and legal issues facing today's astrologers.
Who knows they might even get into the business of predicting who the heck is gonna win this drawn-out Democratic Party primary process -- Princess Hillary or Prince Barack.
What's happening just about three moons before the Democrats gather in the Mile High City is the United Astrology Conference, promising sessions that go way beyond standard newspaper horoscope fare, although here at The Ticket on LATimes.com we find absolutely nothing wrong with standard newspaper horoscope fare.
In fact, we consult the stars before we write every item. Honest.
A conference news release predicts some 1,500 attendees, although how they can say that with Leo rising stretches credulity.
There'll be some 270 classes examining topics such as romantic and political compatibility, the future of the Iraq war and China's role in the world as well as astrometeorology (predicting the weather by the stars) and predictions about 2012 which, The Ticket predicts, will see yet another presidential election.
According to Mark Wolz, an astrologer who's also into yoga and meditation, the Internet has changed the business of astrology because it gives clients access to much more information and star charts and that kind of stuff. "People are dissatisfied with answers from traditional sources," he says, "and they're looking more and more to the symbolic arts for insight."
Somehow, we could have predicted he was going to say that.
FORGET TALKING POINTS. FORGET HEALTH CARE REFORM! FORGET TAX CUTS!
TONIGHT POLITICS TURN FUN. AND WHADDYA GONNA DO ABOUT IT? YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS?
IT'S ALL ABOUT GETTIN' IN YOUR OPPONENT'S FACE AS THE 2008 PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY RACE -- OR WHAT'S LEFT OF IT -- JOINS THE WWE IN RAW ON TV.
YOU HEARD RIGHT, MOMMA!
HILLARY CLINTON AS "HILLROCK" ("TONIGHT THE LAST MAN STANDING MAY JUST BE A WOMAN!") TAKES ON BARACK OBAMA("CAN YOU SMELL WHAT BARACK IS COOKING?").
AND JOHN MCCAIN ("IF YOU WANNA BE THE MAN, YOU GOTTA BEAT THE MAN") BATTLES THE WINNER COME NOVEMBER.
POLITICS MAY NEVER BE THE SAME!
WHICH COULD, ACTUALLY, BE A GOOD THING, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.
BUT FIRST this message from the WWE about its three-hour "Monday Night RAW" showdown starting in a few minutes (5 - 8 p.m. Pacific) over on the USA Network.
Surely, you pre-set your TiVo. (To see what the two candidates are discussing, place your cursor on the photo.)
Forget CNN and ABC. To see how real TV pros could stage the next Democratic debate, click here.
(UPDATE: Now that the smackdown is over, we can share with you the video down below here. Who do you think came across the funniest?)
We thought at first there was a very interesting opinion piece elsewhere on this website today by Susan Jacoby, the author of "The Age of American Unreason."
The headline -- "Talking to ourselves" -- was intriguing because that's what bloggers do in the darkened early hours of the day as this is written. It's hard for political bloggers to get in a word edgewise during daylight because of all the posters leaving comments -- more than 31,000 here in recent times -- about politics and some other things.
Of course, as recent days have shown, virtually all Ticket commentors love The Ticket writers, think they're well-meaning, from legitimate families, hardworking humans whose perspectives they value and probably even treasure.
And even if on the odd occasion a reader arrives at The Ticket with his/her own personal perspective because of some stupid education or bizarre outside influence, after reading a few Ticket items virtually everyone leaves agreeing with almost every word published here. You can see that uniform unanimity reflected in recent comments.
So we were struck by the first 44 words of Jacoby's treatise:
"As dumbness has been defined downward in American public life during the last two decades, one of the most important and frequently overlooked culprits is the public's increasing reluctance to give a fair hearing -- or any hearing at all -- to opposing points of view."
Her article is only two paragraphs long, albeit probably the two longest paragraphs in the history of LATimes.com. (UPDATE: Because of the vast power and influence of The Ticket, as soon as this was posted, our efficient web colleagues fixed that typographical problem and ruined the joke.)
But in those 50,000 or whatever words she says a whole bunch of what initially seemed like good stuff.
She argues basically that as the sources of information and methods of distributing it have expanded exponentially in recent years -- cable channels, websites, blogs and the rechargeable gizmos to receive them -- Americans, ironically, have closed themselves off more from info diversity. Avoided places and people that disagree with them. And gravitated almost exclusively to information sources that agree with them.
She calls it a "militant parochialism."
That's total rubbish! Couldn't disagree more. She probably lives in her car. So we stopped reading that stupid article. Came back home here where we agree with virtually everything we write.
We've got something really special this morning, possibly the last Sunday this spring The Ticket will be able to use the words "Keystone State."
As you know if you've been awake at any time since Texas and Ohio, Tuesday is the Pennsylvania primary, which seems to have been "the next one" for about eight months now. To get everyone warmed up for that and the usual laugh-riot Sunday morning talk shows, The Ticket is steering loyal readers to some political humor.
Sheigh Crabtree, one of our creative LATimes.com blogging pals over at Show Tracker, has come up with a pretty hilarious collection of online political parodies. They erupted from last week's, shall we say, much-discussed Democratic debate on ABC-TV, where a former top Clinton presidential aide helped question a current Clinton presidential aspirant and her opponent for the Democratic presidential nomination.
Here's one of Show Tracker's gems, a fictitious exchange between George Stephanopoulos and Illinois Sen. Barack Obama:
STEPHANOPOULOS: "Senator Obama, your childhood friend Jimmy Choi told us that as a six-year-old boy living in Honolulu, one day you were both engaged in a typical game of cops and robbers, running around your yard with plastic guns, when suddenly little Jimmy tripped and fell.
"Before you helped little Jimmy back to his feet, you stood over him and said, "Pow! Pow! Pow!" over and over again, seemingly taking great pleasure in unloading your fake gun into your supposed friend. How can Democrats vote for a candidate who has shown, beginning at the age of six, to have such little regard for human life?"
OBAMA: "You're serious."
STEPHANOPOULOS: "Yes, Senator, I am serious. But not bitter."
CLINTON: "If I may, George, I feel Senator Obama's response, to what I consider a legitimate question, is once again indicative of an arrogance and elitism that has offended many, many hard-working and proud Pennsylvanians. By the way, Charlie, my father once shot a man dead in Scranton just to watch him die."
You can also nominate your own favorite parody at Show Tracker. But, first, check out this newly uncovered ABC-TV program promotion video just below. Then, click here to visit Show Tracker.
Hillary Clinton (to start the show) and Barack Obama (to end it) made brief (very brief) appearances on "The Colbert Report" tonight. But it was the Democratic rival they left in the dust almost three months ago -- John Edwards -- who stole the show.
Edwards strolled onto Stephen Colbert's set to punctuate the point the comic was making that in a race between a woman and a black, the key to success in their battles has hinged -- and presumably will continue to depend -- on which one white men support.
It's about time this demographic ruled, Colbert smirked. And Edwards quipped that no white male voter is being "more vigorously courted than this one."
He began his shtick by reiterating that he remains undecided -- and provided some elaboration as to why. On the one hand, he said, he doesn't want to be seen as "anti-hope." With fine timing, he added: "On the other hand, I don't want James Carville to bite me."
He then detailed some expected -- and unexpected -- ways that Clinton or Obama might win him over.
A commitment to ending poverty in 30 years -- his prime platform -- was mentioned. But so was comping him a jet-ski (and maybe two, so his wife, Elizabeth, could join the fun). And he'd like to be assigned to spy duty ... and get his face on new money ... and have national holidays declared for each of his three children.
No word from Clinton on meeting this wish list, since her walk-on had ...
The annual Radio and Television Correspondents Assn. Dinner doesn’t attract the same kind of star power as the other black-tie gala held in Washington later this month. (As comedian Mo Rocca put it, the RTCA dinner is the Nicky to the White House Correspondent Dinner’s Paris.)
But corralling the political establishment in a ballroom with hundreds of reporters never fails to produce news-worthy, and sometimes cringe-inducing, moments. (MC Rove, anyone?)
Wednesday’s dinner kicked off with a surprise guest not necessarily known for his comedy chops. As CBS News political director and dinner chair Steve Chaggaris welcomed the black-tie crowd packed into the ballroom of the Hilton Washington, one-time presidential candidate Mitt Romney strolled onto stage.
“I’m wondering why there is a cardboard cut-out of Mitt Romney behind me,” Chaggaris deadpanned as laughter spread through the room.
“I see I’m getting the same kind of coverage on CBS I used to get,” Romney replied, prompting guffaws.
In fact, the former candidate said he was there to offer a Top Ten List of why he decided ...
Take one 26-month presidential campaign. Mix in pervasive 24-hour media that have to find something to say or film or write around the clock. Add -- what? -- 1,000 television channels, each one slicing another piece of American life thinly, from Irish jewelry to left-handed golfers.
Stir in a dollop of voter curiosity.
And there you have the modern-day political campaign, which is trying to develop credible, debatable policies to guide the United States of America for the next four to eight years, but is being besieged by you wouldn't believe how many different organizations to complete policy questionnaires and also answer some of the most inane feature questions you could imagine.
Not just boxers vs. briefs. But a candidate's favorite movie from childhood. Favorite bed-time story. Most romantic vacation. Biggest surprise in life. Most delicious food. Favorite hymn. Worst movie ever.
Answering these are the jobs that get passed to the...
All right. The Timothy McSweeney website is one of the most entertaining and eclectic around. If you like unpredictable -- and predictably we think the Ticket readers do -- that place is worth a regular visit.
Especially now.
Because Nick Ripatrazone there went out to the driveway this morning just to get the paper and snipers opened up on him. Sniper fire was everywhere. It was like Bosnia. He had no idea where it was coming from.
He had to run for his life to the parked car and then through the front door to safely reach his base. He remembers it as if it was today.
Despite enduring that furious fusillade, which qualified him to run on his experiences for first lady, he sat down to write in his blog. It's titled "Other Dangerous Historical Events Hillary Clinton Experienced as First Lady."
ot saying she used to be a CIA operative, are about to endorse a certain female Democratic candidate for president. But we can't say who.
egedly involved in tracking down some no-longer-with-us Middle Eastern dictator's non-existent but credible plans to acquire yellowcake uranium in some very hot place in Africa, which could be used in constructing nuclear weapons. (The yellowcake, not the hot place.) Although The Ticket can't really talk about that a lot right now.
