'Obama teleprompter glitch stunts dinner table talk'

Regular Ticket readers know how much we enjoy the Onion.

This video was too good to resist. (It might take a moment to load.)

So in honor of casual Friday, here's that important institution's faux report on an important disaster that reportedly threw the president and his entire family into turmoil.

As it no doubt would any loving and similarly equipped home.

This "report" also brings news about how Vice President Joe Biden manages to remember all those words that he keeps saying.

Back in July, you might remember, there was a real teleprompter glitch for Obama his remarks, as The Ticket described right here.

Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photo: Gerald Herbert / Associated Press (Obama's large White House teleprompter prepares to prompt)

Sarah Palin's 'Going Rogue': A powerful testament to a good woman's endurance in a mean world of politics

"Reviewing" Sarah Palin's new book is quite an assignment. There are a lot of pages. And not many pictures. But here goes:

Despite the involvement of a professional ghostwriter, Republican ex-Gov. Palin has penned one of the most powerful pieces of personal or political literature in a generation of American books. It's "Going Rogue: An American Life" (HarperCollins, $28.99).

Her behind-the-scenes memoir -- you may have noticed a photo of the cover above -- is flying off store shelves across the country even as you read this. (Now, see video below.)

It's a 413-page masterwork of personal and political insight that makes Dick Cheney's upcoming memoir look like a Golden Book. Based on the first 48 hours of....

... sales reports, HarperCollins has already ordered additional printings. And Palin is destined to become a millionaire. Again.

With her trademark down-to-earth tone and gee-gollys, Palin takes her readers inside a compelling personal quest from her loving family's upbringing through the....

First, Obama gets a Nobel Peace Prize for nothing; now, a tae kwon do black belt after zero kicks

Even President Obama himself during his just-concluded trip to Asia admitted that he was surprised to receive the Nobel Peace Prize earlier this year without actually producing any peace.

In fact, the rookie American president ordered his own troop surge, boosting U.S. troops fighting in Afghanistan to 68,000. Now, the Democrat may be preparing to send more. And a Gallup Poll showed 61% of Americans didn't think he deserved the prize either.

Anyway, there he was in Seoul, the last stop of his journey.

And out of the Seoul sky, President Lee Myung-bak hands over to the American leader a tae kwon do outfit. And then Lee, who practices tae kwon do himself, presents Obama with a coveted black belt.

After zero long years of study.

What would Chuck Norris do? Probably bow. But never as low as Obama bowed for Japan's emperor last weekend in Tokyo.

-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photo: President Obama and South Korean President Lee Myung-bak. Credit: EPA

Joe Biden update: No Nobel Peace Prize, no Joe

It's been a tough month for Vice President Joe Biden so far.

As most people now know, Biden did not win the Nobel Peace Prize. Nor the ones for physics, chemistry, plagiarism or talking.

This on the heels of the failed bid to bring the 2016 Olympics to Wilmington, Del., despite the local railroad station there being rehabilitated by economic stimulus funds overseen by the most important Amtrak passenger to ever use that building.

Everyone knows that Biden has been busting his chops getting the nation's economy back on track to lose only a few hundred-thousand jobs per month through countless numbers of closed-to-press meetings of the secret sort that used to drive Democratic members of Congress absolutely crazy when the sessions involved the devilish Dick Cheney, who was not a Democratic vice president.

Biden was reportedly the key undercover operative in getting Arlen Specter to acknowledge his Democratic Party allegiance publicly. The president is counting on Biden to get every Democratic candidate elected next month and next year. The VP will go to something like 22 states and 48 political events between March and next month, talking up a partisan storm at fundraiser after fundraiser.

And everyone knows that busy, busy Biden, who remembers the politically turbulent Vietnam War days and severe Democratic Party strife over the U.S. military commitment there (back when Obama was in junior high), is quietly pulling all....

Now, Obama wins Motor Trend Car of Year Award

It's been quite a two successful weeks for President Obama.

First, he saved Illinois and federal taxpayers countless millions of rescue dollars by helping to lose Chicago's bid for the 2016 Summer Olympics in the very first round of voting.

Then, even as he slept on the 289th day of his first term's 1,461 days, Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The Democratic president said he was humbled by his selection and millions agreed the ex-state senator should be.

Especially since: 1) the peace prize recipient is overseeing the prosecution of two wars at the moment while contemplating a recommended escalation, and 2) the Nobel nominations were due by Feb. 1, the 12th day of the Obama administration. By which time the new president had barely promised to close the Guantanamo Bay detention facility within one year, an absolute deadline now absolutely hopeless.

Obama was pleased to be the latest in a long line of Democratic presidents to receive the internationally recognized award. Jimmy Carter got the Nobel Peace Prize for years of work culminating, finally, in a lasting peaceful settlement of the long Middle East conflict, as each day's news from there demonstrates.

Bill Clinton, oh, wait, he didn't win a Nobel, which explains his silence since Friday and the ...

Joe Biden heading to Reno -- and this time it's no joke

 
So Joe Biden is heading to Reno next week to eat pancakes with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. You can join them for (up to) $2,400, and since we made up the part about pancakes, you might get eggs instead.

Something else about the breakfast fundraiser is nagging us, though. It feels like we’ve read about Biden visiting the Biggest Little City in the World before. In the Wall Street Journal? No. And not the New York Times …

Aha! The Onion. Of course.

In a particularly prescient July story, the self-proclaimed America’s Finest News Source (which, for the uninformed, both makes up the news and makes the made-up stuff funny) wrote that Biden had requested to become the special envoy to Reno.

As The Onion wrote, the VP had, apparently, already "made significant headway with a local dignitary named Candi" and asked for a weekend of, ahem, diplomatic immunity near several of Nevada’s legal brothels.

Funny thing: In real life, Dennis Hof, owner of the Moonlite BunnyRanch near Reno, is rather politically active. That won’t help Joe and Harry’s breakfast, though; Hof’s a Ron Paul kind of guy.

-- Ashley Powers

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Photo credit: Los Angeles Times

OMG, Obama Exec Order fed txtg while drving ROFL!

Now that Health and Human Services Secy. Kathleen Sebelius has issued formal instructions on the proper way Democrats want Americans to sneeze and/or cough during the official federal flu season (into your elbow), President Obama 2day issued an Executive Order with strict new rules for feds to not text while driving.

Good thing for highway safety, cuz feds not known as gr8 multi-taskers.

The order (full text below in legalese) was obviously written by a Harvard-trained team of lawyers with all kinds of cool sections and subsections, which include lots of things -- but, you should know, are not limited to them. You can, for instance, leave the car motor running while texting from vehicle, but must be on the roadside and/or driveway at the time. Good 2 no.

The Obama Order is way longer than 140 chars. But lawyers paid by hr anyway.

Important thing is highway safety, rt? The nation's chief executive is also the country's most notorious left-handed CrackBerry addict. He's very interested in personal safety, according to the executive order, which is no doubt why he also made his daughters wear those goofy-looking helmets while bicycle-riding on their recent Massachusetts vacation. (See photo below.)

Although, truth be told, the role-model-in-chief went helmetless himself for that photo op. (Why? Think 1988. Photo op. Massachusetts. Governor. Democrat. Dukakis. Army tank. Dumb helmet. Laughter. Loser.)

Also, Obama doesn't drive himself anywhere anymore. So he's in the back....

Will this glaring photo prompt urgent federal action?

An unidentified American sports fan, caught in the uncomfortable perils of global warming and climate change, awaits emergency federal guidance from the Obama White House on how best to combat the sun's glare at an afternoon athletic contest. 

After eight years of failed Bush-Cheney Republican policies, potentially millions of Americans like this remain uncovered and in similar straits threatening their basic healthcare, a predicament the protective Democratic administration finds unacceptable in an era of rapid change for a country that can put a man on the moon.

According to uninformed Washington sources, under the multi-billion-dollar Cash for Caps program being discussed, American residents who qualify (including illegal immigrants) will receive personalized instruction for up to six weeks on precisely how to properly position a visored cap to protect the face against the harmful sun's ruthless rays.

-- Andrew Malcolm

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Yes, Bo Obama is really cute. But can he do this?

Yesterday we had a much-read item and photos about Barack Obama's First Dog, Bo.

The eager young Democrat bounded off Marine One at the White House as if he was glad to have the family's expensive Martha's Vineyard vacation over and return to the familiar if ordinary digs and government servants of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Bo no doubt has a ghostwritten book in the works, like so many first pets before him. And he's obviously captured the affection of the Obama family and many others around the country simply by looking, well, curly.

But one loyal Ticket reader, apparently from Europe, wasn't so impressed.

She sent us this unbelievable video of ordinary German mutts doing some incredible things without government assistance. And they involve a whole lot more than standing around on a new leash and federal grass looking fine.

You'll note that none of these dogs are blue. And the little one seems to have a distinct anti-regulatory libertarian attitude.

Watch the whole thing. It's even more amazing than an MSNBC evening talk show. (And no Progressive insurance commercials!)

-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photo: Reuters

Obama defies safety advocates, shuns bike helmet, looks great, ignites debate

In an obvious bid to broaden public support for his troubled healthcare reform plans, a vacationing President Obama has now taken to defying the advice of safety advocates at both the federal and state levels.

The bold move, coming in late August when there's little else to prattle about except homicides and deaths (also wildfires), is certain to create continental controversy among several people concerned about hats worn during recreation.

Such open defiance of proper head healthcare is actually not new for Obama, who began the helmet-less practice even as a child in Hawaii (see photo left).

On Thursday, the nation's first father did have his two young daughters don the protective headgear for a bicycle ride on Martha's Vineyard, an island preserve for rich people just off the coast of Massachusetts.

But as commander-in-chief and national role model, ex-Sen. Obama declined to wear a helmet. His allegedly protective detail did not insist. And the ocean breezes no doubt felt wonderful flowing freely around his cool shades and over his naked head. He looked like a trillion bucks.

Last summer on vacation in Hawaii Obama was famous for not wearing a shirt over those naked, now presidential pecs. This summer the famous photo will be him not wearing a helmet.

During a 2008 bicycle ride with his family in the urban wilds of Chicago, the wannabe president did wear one of those goofy-looking helmets that make your forehead sweat and fog up sunglasses. (See photo below.)

And some disrespectful bloggers sitting on their broad behinds in air-conditioned work spaces poked....