Late-night jokes: Michael Vick, Michael Bloomberg, Jon Bon Jovi; Plus JibJab annual news review

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As The Ticket's 55,700 Twitter followers here and 6,400+ Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Here's our regular Monday morning collection No. 9:

SNL: The Senate repealed 'don’t ask, don’t tell' in a landmark vote. Sixty-five Senators voted 'yea' and 31 senators voted 'I'm old.'

Leno: Intelligence reports indicate possible Al Qaeda attacks at Christmas. The U.S. government warns Al Qaeda that the correct term is 'holiday attacks.'

Fallon: Only a few days left to finish Christmas shopping. Or as guys look at it, ‘There's still a few days left to finish Christmas shopping!’

Letterman: Last week was the deadline for mailing holiday packages. You had to mail them by then if you want to ensure they’re lost in time for Christmas.

Letterman: It's crazy out there. Have you been Christmas shopping? I went to Macy's. I had to travel standby on the escalator.

Fallon: The Obamas had Bo sign their Christmas card with a paw print. Bo only agreed if Obama promised to extend the Bush-era treats policy.

Leno: I grew up in New England. L.A. is very different at the holidays. Last night carolers came to my door. Nice. But then I realized they were lip-syncing.

Fallon: Some LAX TSA officers have formed a holiday choir singing for....

Late-night's best: Will Obama pardon Rangel or the turkey? Levi Johnston bans interviews. Plus Oprah

As The Ticket's 54,600 Twitter followers here and 6,300+ Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Here's our regular Monday morning collection No. 5:

Fallon: What is going on these days? George W. Bush writes a 500-page memoir and Obama publishes a kids coloring book.

Leno: Facebook launches the next-generation messaging system -- a combination of IM, text and e-mail designed to ensure that nothing gets done at any workplace ever again.

Leno: Tough decision for President Obama this week: Pardon the turkey or Democratic Rep. Charlie Rangel.

Leno: House Democrats just elected Nancy Pelosi as their minority leader for the new Congress. Why mess with success, right?

Conan: Congressional Democrats push for $12 billion in additional....

Ticket video of the week: Jesse gets down to work

Not just one photo this week, but a video.

If you're not into pets, maybe you will be after watching this brief one.

This little guy works harder than a newly-elected member of Congress. Plus, he's obedient.

In fact......

-- Andrew Malcolm

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Ticket photo of the week: A Secretariat spinoff

OK, smile for the camera.

No, c'mon now, get serious. Please.

Stop horsing around.

Give us a smile. Please. No, not that kind of smile!

Oh, he's such a goofball.

This is My Man Puff, who's feeling his oats these days, even at age 13.

His grandfather was Secretariat. Yes, that one in the new movie. The Triple Crown winner from 1973, possibly the greatest thoroughbred race horse of all time. That year, for the first time since 1948, one horse won the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness and, on June 9, 1973, the Belmont Stakes -- by 31 lengths, no less. The last Triple Crown winner was Affirmed in 1978.

According to the legendary horse's winning jockey, Ron Turcotte, now wheelchair-bound from a racing accident, Secretariat was always a quick learner, gentle and smart. "You could show him something one day," Turcotte recalls, "and the next day he'd do the same thing. And he loved candy."

My Man Puff and his grandfather were never close in many ways. The offspring of Shelly's Charmer, My Man had a brief racing career but never finished well enough to continue competition. He's passed through a series of owners, has a personality referred to as feisty and doesn't waste much time paying attention to one thing too long.

He's now ended up in comfortable retirement in Florida with plenty of tail-swishing room on 10 acres of land owned by octogenarian Rosa Durando. She pampers the fellow, who knows he's special. She told Sun-Sentinel reporter Wayne Roustan that My Man Puff still loves to gallop and fool around. (See photo above.)

-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photo credit: Mark Randall / Sun-Sentinel

Social media wrap: The pitter patter of digital footprints -- remember, Obama warned you

Any aspiring politician knows better than to have a Facebook page filled with pictures from their past that are, let’s say, a little embarrassing. 

You know, the ones that President Obama warned young wannabe presidents about: Pictures of them lying flat out after a drinking session, burping in their sleep with a bit of spit-up on their collar and dribble down their chin.  

But what if instead of a boozy pal or ex-girlfriend tagging pics of a future pol in varying states of consciousness (and indeed undress), it was their doting mother?     

Apparently, 7% of babies have a Facebook page set up for them by a parent or guardian, according to a new social-media study. Incredibly, the average child -- aspiring politician or not -- acquires a digital footprint by the age of 6 months.

While Twitter founder Evan Williams’ wife, Sara Morishige, created a bit of a social-media stir by tweeting the birth of her first child last year, now such actions are commonplace.  

Nearly a third of children have had their images posted online from birth and about 7% have had an e-mail address created for them by a grown-up. More than 70% of mothers said they posted baby and toddler images online to share with friends or family.  

It’s perhaps unsurprising that by age 2, about 81% of children have some kind of “digital footprint.”

A quarter of parents even posted pre-birth scans of their unborn kids to the Internet, the survey ...

Ticket photo of the week: A very big grave for Manyula

A sad day in El Salvador this week.

Manyula died.

The Asian elephant arrived from India at that nation's National Zoo in 1955, which was even before Joe Biden was a senator.

In fact, the current vice president was only a seventh-grader at the time that the symbol of the Republican Party moved into that Central American zoo.

Nearly three generations of locals visited Manyula over the ensuing 55 years and she became a friendly fixture in the memory of countless families.

Hundreds of mourners, some wearing costumes, showed up for her funeral in a very large grave beneath a very large tarpaulin festooned with flowers.

The United States did not send an official delegation headed by a vice president.

-- Andrew Malcolm

On a happier note, join the 53,000 global readers who follow The Ticket with Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or follow us @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available here on Kindle now. 

Photos: Reuters

 

Social media wrap: And the winner of the cutest pet on Capitol Hill is ...

... Cali the Dachshund, owned by Californian Republican Rep. Ken Calvert.

Showing that even our political representatives are not above sending each other cutesy pics of adorable animals, Calvert on Tuesday tweeted and Facebooked the results of the annual competition sponsored by the Animal Health Institute:

I’m pleased to announce that our office dog Cali beat out 131 other dogs to be crowned Cutest Dog on the Hill! Congratulations Cali! #pet

and

Go here to see the cutest dog on Capitol Hill http://bit.ly/cTV1wd #pets

Hawaiian Democrat Mazie Hirono, whose cat Hemic, placed second also tweeted:

D.C.- @AnimalsHealthy My cat Hemic is a runner up in the 2010 Cutest Pets on the Hill contest http://tinyurl.com/24dbgxw  ...

So, if Obama was like a dog, what kind would he be?

The peripatetic President Obama, who's off again today to Ohio of all places to talk more personally about spending even more billions to help the economy, may have made an unintentionally revealing personal comment during his last speech on the subject. (Listen for him to cite the same grandparents he brought up in last year's healthcare townhalls.)

On Labor Day in Milwaukee, having doffed his coat and tie just like a real working guy, the Democrat tried to launch the fall election campaign by listing his many accomplishments and his fights for real Americans. (See full Milwaukee text here.)

And as is the Democratic party line between now and Judgment Day Nov. 2, the chief executive who promised before the last election to take us all beyond the old-style partisan politics, warned....

President Obama's statement on Rosh Hashanah

A staple complaint of online critics of President Obama is that he acknowledges Muslim holidays but not Jewish or Christian days of observance. Here is the president's statement today on Rosh Hashanah, as provided by the White House:

As Jews in America and around the world celebrate the first of the High Holy Days I want to extend my warmest wishes for the New Year. L’shana Tova Tikatevu – may you be inscribed and sealed in the Book of Life.
 
Rosh Hashanah marks the beginning of the spiritual calendar and the birth of the world. It serves as a reminder of the special relationship between God and his children, now and always. And it calls us to look within ourselves – to repent for our sins; recommit ourselves to prayer; and remember the blessings that come from helping those in need.
 
Today, those lessons ring as true as they did thousands of years ago. And as we begin this New Year, it is more important than ever to believe in the power of humility and compassion to deepen our faith and repair our world.
 
At a time when too many of our friends and neighbors are struggling to keep food on the table and a roof over their heads, it is up to us to do what we can to help those less fortunate.
 
At a time when prejudice and oppression still exist in the shadows of our society, it is up to us to stand as a beacon of freedom and tolerance and embrace the diversity that has always made us stronger as a people.

(UPDATE: Our blogging buddy Don Surber way back East near Ohio has a most interesting comparison of the Rosh Hashanah messages released by the president and some former governor of Alaska. Read his take here.)

And at a time when Israelis and Palestinians have returned to direct dialogue, it is up to us to encourage and support those who are willing to move beyond their differences and work towards security and peace in the Holy Land. Progress will not come easy, it will not come quick. But today we had an opportunity to move forward, toward the goal we share—two states, Israel and Palestine, living side by side in peace and security.

The scripture teaches us that there is “a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.” In this season of repentance and renewal, let us commit ourselves to a more hopeful future.

Michelle and I wish all who celebrate Rosh Hashanah a sweet year full of health and prosperity.    ####

Pebbles and America mark Labor Day weekend the best way they know

Contrary to the belief of some, the traditional summer-ending holiday of Labor Day was not designed as the day Americans labor the hardest of any all year.

Nor was it clever advance planning for gas grills, the start of pro and college football seasons or intended to cause urban traffic jams that might someday rival China's.

Labor union officers, copying similar workers' celebrations in Canada, had marched in local parades previously.

But this weekend marks the 116th official observance of a hastily-designed federal day off designed by President Grover Cleveland to mollify an angry organized labor movement that had just seen federal marshalls and troops kill some workers during the quelling of the Pullman strike. Democrat Cleveland, the only U.S. president to serve two non-consecutive terms, lost in 1894 anyway.

The idea though was to pick a day at the calendrical opposite end of that socialist workers holiday of May 1. And so the first Monday of every September became Labor Day when most Americans work the least of any. (See photo above.)

Passing the holiday legislation is also one of the rare times that Americans got to see a piece of legislation zip through Congress by dual unanimous votes. Put that in your post-partisan BBQ and smoke it.

-- Andrew Malcolm

Speaking of celebrations honoring honest, solid working Americans, join the 52,000+ global readers who follow The Ticket with Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or follow us @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available here on Kindle now. Pebbles-approved.

Photo: Paul Guggenbuehl (Pebbles marks Labor Day appropriately).