Late-night jokes: Obama vows to double August's job growth of zero

As The Ticket's 73,000-plus Twitter followers and 7,200 Facebook friends/fans know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass this weekly collection on to friends using the "Share" buttons above.

Letterman: Wasn't Labor Day great, folks? Labor Day is now that time of year when Americans take three days off from looking for work.

Fallon: President Obama is refusing to give specifics about his jobs plan because he wants people to tune in on Thursday. That’s not how you handle the economy -– that’s how you handle the ‘American Idol’ results show. 'I have a plan that could put millions back to work. You’ll find out more…after the break.'

Leno: President Obama's jobs speech was tonight: A guy whose job nobody approves of giving a speech about jobs that don't exist to people who don't have any jobs.

Fallon: President Obama's $447-billion spending plan is called the American Jobs Act. It would have had a cooler name, but the name guy was laid off six months ago.

Leno: President Obama gives his big speech this week on job growth. How many of you think it will be a really short speech?

Leno: President Obama named his new $447-billion legislation the American Jobs Act. Better than the original name, the Save My Ass Act.

Letterman: Don't forget, folks, tomorrow is take your son or daughter with you to the Unemployment Office Day.

Leno: A new L.A. Times poll says 75% of Californians think the country is headed in the wrong direction. It's so bad that 60% of Californians are thinking about returning to Mexico.

Fallon: The Libyan rebels are claiming that they have Moammar Kadafi trapped within a 40-mile radius. Or as that’s also known, not trapped.

Letterman: Autumn's in the air. You can tell it's fall because that’s when the networks begin collecting nuts for their reality shows.

Leno: Government statistics show the U.S. economy created zero jobs in August. President Obama now says he's confident this month he can double that.

Conan: The L.A. Dodgers may be bought by Chinese investors. So, good news for America: Finally, something China is not going to win at!

Conan: Did you hear this? A new report says the U.S. Postal Service could go out of business this winter. On the bright side, the Post Office won't get that report in the mail for another two years.

Leno: The government says there are now 3 million fewer U.S. smokers than five years ago. Mainly due to a condition known as being dead.

Leno: The NFL season kicks off Thursday night right here on NBC. We are all very excited. The game will be on right after the season finale of President Obama.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photo: Los Angeles Times illustration by Andrew Malcolm; Pete Souza / White House.

Rick Perry grins, shrugs and swings away at Reagan Library GOP debate

 
Texas Gov. Rick Perry came under fire as Republican aspirants to Ronald Reagan's old job gathered under the wings of his former Air Force One tonight, for another debate aired on national TV.

Fresh from surveying wildfires in his home state, Perry was the shiny new toy at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley. It was his first presidential debate, and moderators Brian Williams of "NBC Nightly News" and Politico editor-in-chief John Harris called on him at most every opportunity.

And he didn't disappoint, particularly in pointed exchanges with former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, who was the presumptive front-runner until Perry entered the race on Aug. 13, the day of the Ames straw poll in Iowa.

Consider this exchange on the question of job creation:

Perry: "Michael Dukakis created jobs three times faster than you did, Mitt." (A grin and a "whaddya gonna do?" sort of shrug followed.)

Romney: "George Bush and his predecessor created jobs at a faster rate than you did, Governor."

Perry: "That's not correct."

Romney: "That is correct."

Williams: "Nice to see that everybody came prepared for tonight's conversation."

Or, when Rep. Ron Paul of Texas said Perry wrote a letter in the '90s "supporting Hillarycare."

Perry countered that he was his state's agriculture commissioner during the Clinton administration and that he was urging Hillary Rodham Clinton, then the first lady, not to forget rural healthcare in her proposal to overhaul healthcare policy. Then he looked at Paul and said, "I was more interested in the one you wrote to Ronald Reagan, saying, 'I'm going to quit the party because of the things you believe in.' "

"Oh," said Paul, "I need an answer on that!"

He went on to explain how he'd supported Reagan in 1976, and supported his....

Rick Perry: Use Predators to track illegal drug traffic on U.S. border

Two themes have already emerged in the still-early 2012 presidential contest:

Republicans are running against Washington and President Obama is running against part of Washington, the Congress that gave him his early legislative achievements.

The newest entrant to the GOP race is Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who touched on one of the most emotional and volatile issues sitting on the nation's debate table: border security, illegal drugs from Mexico and illegal immigrants.

In his announcement speech in South Carolina on Saturday, Perry said:

America’s standing in the world is in peril, not only because of disastrous economic policies, but from the incoherent muddle that they call foreign policy. Our president has insulted our friends and he’s encouraged our enemies, thumbing his nose at traditional allies like Israel.

He seeks to dictate new borders for the Middle East and the oldest democracy there, Israel, while he is an abject failure in his constitutional duty to protect our borders in the United States.

And the nation's longest-serving governor waved his right hand toward Mexico as he said it before a national TV audience and an enthusiastic crowd of conservative online writers at the RedState Gathering.

Now comes word that the border-state governor thinks as long as the U.S. is using unmanned aircraft so effectively in Afghanistan and Pakistan, why not use the same Air Force surveillance assets to protect the homeland?

The feds, former Air Force pilot Perry told a campaign gathering in New Hampshire, should use unarmed Predator drones to monitor the flow of illegal drugs coming from Mexico. Predators can fly for up to 20 hours undetected and are equipped with sophisticated video and tracking technology.

We know that there are Predator drones being flown for practice every day because we're seeing them; we're preparing these young people to fly missions in these war zones that we have. But some of those, they have all the equipment, they're obviously unarmed, they've got the downward-looking radar, they've got the ability to do night work and through clouds.

Why not be flying those missions and using (that) real-time information to help our law enforcement?

Such double use of military assets is not unprecedented, using training flight hours for real-time law enforcement work.

National Guard helicopter pilots, who need to log regular flight hours each month to maintain proficiency, were for a time tasked to do that over national parks. There, they'd scout for illegal drug operations using pockets of those vast public acreages as free farm land for marijuana growing. Some were well-guarded and even mined against poachers and authorities.

The Customs and Border Protection arm of the Department of Homeland Security says on its website it has been using unmanned aerial craft for several years, although the agency is vague on the crafts' specific missions other than "support of disaster relief efforts."

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-- Andrew Malcolm

For unpredictable commentary on politics, follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or click this: @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle. Use the ReTweet buttons above to share any item with family and friends.

Photo: Don Bartletti / Los Angeles Times (A California National Guard chase plane monitors a Predator  flight over populous Southern California.)

George Lopez: I'd move to Canada if Palin were president

Sarah Palin hasn't announced that she is running for president, but if the former Alaska governor does throw her hat in the ring, and happens to win, late-night talk show host George Lopez says he will bid adios to the U.S.

Lopez, the hugely successful Mexican-American comedian, told CNN's Piers Morgan that he would leave the U.S. if the hockey mom became the next commander-in-chief, but he won't head south of the border. Lopez said that he would head to the Great White North.

"If Sarah Palin becomes president at any point, I would say 'allegedly,' I will move to Canada," Lopez said.

"I will go further north. I’ve been south but I will go further north. I will leave the United States of America,” Lopez added.

When Morgan asked Lopez why he would do such a drastic thing, the California native said, "I like my politicians to actually have a political background."

Lopez, whose TBS talk show follows Conan O'Brien's, was then asked why he thinks Palin appeals to a certain segment of the country.

“Is it that maverickness? Is is that homespun kind of Andy Griffith, wink-your-eye, shake-the-imaginary-gun thing. Maybe?" Lopez speculated. "Do we elect somebody by their smile? Instead of by their content? It’s a little bit of all of that,” he added.

Lopez may want to consider property in either Vancouver or Toronto. Although Palin hasn't made anything official, she continues to do extraordinarily well in the polls. A recent Washington Post/ABC poll has Palin right on the heels of front-runner Mitt Romney.

   

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-- Tony Pierce
twitter.com/busblog

Photo: Television personality George Lopez throws out the ceremonial first pitch before the game between the Chicago Cubs and the New York Yankees at Wrigley Field. Credit: Jerry Lai / U.S. Presswire

Late-night jokes: Obama's new economic plan: Buy lottery tickets and hope

As The Ticket's 69,000-plus Twitter followers here and 7,000 Facebook friends/fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the "Share" buttons above.

Leno: The country is edging closer to default. We could be out of money by Aug 2. I'm actually surprised we have enough money to make it to then.

Fallon: The Treasury Department is shifting from paper to electronic savings bonds next year. But don’t worry — the electronic bonds will be just as worthless as the paper ones.

Leno: Obama's latest economic recovery plan: He told Treasury Secretary Geithner to take the little money we have left and buy lottery tickets.

Leno: Democrats warned today that if the debt limit is not raised by Aug. 2, the federal government will cease to function. How do you tell?

Letterman: So CNN has canceled the TV show of ex-Gov. Eliot Spitzer. And you have to wonder how will the poor guy spend an hour now.

Leno: CNN has canceled Eliot Spitzer's show, "In the Arena." Apparently network executives made the decision after realizing it was still on.

Fallon: Illinois schools are dropping the written parts of their standardized school tests. Asked why, a spokesman said, "We simple does not needs them."

Leno: Prince William and Kate immersed themselves in American culture so much during their U.S. visit they went home $2 trillion in debt.

Leno: So they closed down L.A.'s 405 freeway for the weekend. They have to do this every couple of years to sweep up the shell casings.

Leno: The jury found Casey Anthony not guilty of murder. Know what this means? Obama's economic team is now only the planet's second most clueless group of people.

Fallon: Two Delta planes collided the other day at the Boston airport. Passengers are OK except for having to pay Delta’s $50 collision fee.

Letterman: That All-Star Baseball Game is something else? And the home run derby? What's more exciting than a home run that doesn't count? Next: a foul-tip derby.

Leno: Did you read about the Chinese toddler who fell 10 stories and was caught by a woman? The kid is OK. Didn't miss a day of work.

Leno: Over the weekend President Obama met with the Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama talked about the difficulty of living under China's thumb. And Obama said, "Tell me about it."

Conan: Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka Trump, gave birth to a baby girl over the weekend. The baby’s name is Trump Granddaughter and Casino.

Conan: Borders bookstore is going to be liquidated after failing to receive a single bid to buy the company. Apparently, all the potential investors who showed up just hung around inside for a while, hoping to use the bathroom.

Leno: There was so much fear about closing L.A.'s 405 freeway for a few days that even the Mexican government told its people not to cross for a few days.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

Don't forget to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or click this: @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle.Use the ReTweet buttons above to share any item with family and friends.

Photos: The closed 405 freeway in Los Angeles, Sunday. Photo credit: David McNew / Reuters. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. Photo credit: Mandel Ngan / AFP / Getty Images. The Dalai Lama on Sunday. Photo credit: Keith Hale / Associated Press.

Herman Cain urged to quit presidential race by angry Latino Republicans [Video]

Herman Cain found himself in hot water Monday with Latino Republicans after telling an audience that his solution to illegal immigration along the Mexican border would include a Great Wall of China-like electrified fence that would rise 20 feet high above a moat filled with alligators.

"We call on Herman Cain to drop his candidacy for president. His recent comments and lack of practical solutions to solving illegal immigration show he’s not a serious candidate," the Somos Republicans group wrote in a statement released Monday.

"Many Hispanics find his recent comments comparing immigrants to 'invading Huns' offensive, and also insensitive when thousands of immigrants died crossing the desert. We’re looking for practical and humane solutions, and find Cain’s pandering to xenophobes disgusting. Apparently nativist tea has been served up at many tea parties! Hispanics are a key swing vote, and whichever GOP candidate succeeds in winning the nomination cannot win the general election without the Hispanic vote. Cain needs to leave the field open to more serious candidates," Somos demanded.

Apparently the Arizona-based organization, which claims to be "the fastest growing Hispanic Republican group in the nation," was not impressed with the inspiration the former Godfather's Pizza chief executive received on a recent trip to Asia.

"I just got back from China," Cain told potential voters in Pella, Iowa, in early June. "Ever heard of the Great Wall of China? It looks pretty sturdy. And that sucker is real high. I think we can build one if we want to! We have put a man on the moon, we can build a fence!"

"Now, my fence might be part Great Wall and part electrical technology," Cain continued. "It will be a 20-foot wall, barbed wire, electrified on the top, and on this side of the fence, I'll have that moat that President Obama talked about. And I would put those alligators in that moat!"

Late night jokes: Second recession coming, but when did the first one leave?

As The Ticket's 68,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,900 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the "Share" buttons above.

Leno: Economists are now predicting a second recession. A second recession? When did the first one end? I missed that.

Fallon: President Obama asks foreign countries to invest more in the U.S. economy. Mexico’s president was like, ‘The people of Mexico are with you! Literally.'

Conan: Brazil confirms discovery of a primitive Amazon tribe with no outside contact. The tribe is so primitive it lives in huts and hangs out at Blockbuster video.

Fallon: A new study finds that 10% of toddlers are overweight. That explains the most popular new stroller on the market, a wheelbarrow.

Fallon: A 92-year-old Florida woman marries an 82-year-old man she met on Match.com It's a cute story. But it turns out the woman lied on her profile. She said she was only 88.

Conan: A bus-sized meteor narrowly missed Earth the other day. In Los Angeles hearing this, people asked, 'What the hell is a bus?'

Fallon: New York's Gov. Cuomo calls a special election for Sept. 13 to fill Anthony Weiner’s House seat. He said, "Anyone interested in the job should email me @......well, maybe better just call."

Conan: The dog that inherited $12 million from Leona Helmsley has passed away. The pet died broke after smoking $12 million worth of dog crack.

Fallon: A Delta flight made an emergency landing in a Hawaii wildlife refuge. The lions  were like, "Can you believe it?! Delta's ACTUALLY serving food!"

Fallon: A British strip club is using a hypnotist to get men to spend more money during their visits. At least that’s what one guy told his wife when she found his credit card bill.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

Don't forget to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or click this: @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle. Use the ReTweet buttons above to share any item with family and friends.

Photo: Robert Gauthier / Los Angeles Times (Two meteor-sized Los Angeles Metro buses vie for street position).

As Obama fundraises in Texas, Arizona's Gov. Jan Brewer fires back over illegal immigration

Well, that didn't take long.

A few hours after President Obama's latest immigration reform speech, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer responded sharply, saying she hoped the Democrat's trip to El Paso, Texas was not just "about locking down votes in 2012."

Knowing full well that's exactly what the long trip and speech were about.

Earlier Tuesday within a cartel shot of the Mexican border, Obama called for comprehensive immigration reform to show impatient Hispanic supporters that he's trying to deliver on all those past promises of a path to citizenship.

Even though the Democrat has no intention of introducing such legislation and knows full well that if he did, it would never pass this Congress.

Obama claimed the porous border with Mexico has never been safer, thanks to additional agents.

(UPDATE: No wonder the president's El Paso remarks sounded like a campaign speech. They were. By evening a video of the complete 24-minute speech from MSNBC's broadcast had been distributed to millions of Obama supporters via email. Along with, of course, the opportunity to donate in U.S. funds.)

As Obama went into his second Democratic fundraiser of the night in Austin (dinner only $35,800 per plate), Brewer's office launched her short salvo (full text below).

Brewer said the president should have accepted her numerous invitations to visit Arizona, where she said nearly half the country's border apprehensions occur.

And where, the Republican state chief executive added, he could have met with frightened ranchers and law enforcement officers "who are frequently outgunned by the heavily-armed cartels."

"Everyone can agree our immigration system is broken," Brewer stated, adding:

Any reasonable fix will require the good-faith efforts of state leaders, members of Congress, local officials, the business community and the White House. But the people of America won’t be fooled again. They know that any talk of a path to citizenship is simply amnesty by another name. And they’re smart enough to recognize a political ploy when they see it.

Brewer said she suspected the president's trip was just more of the familiar "promise something, do nothing, blame someone’ strategy of this White House.

Brewer and the Obama administration are also facing off in court over an injunction to halt enforcement of parts of the state's 2010 illegal immigration law, SB 1070. Scroll down for Brewer's full statement.

Obama aides said the president was expected to collect about $2 million from the two Austin fundraisers, before retreating back to Washington aboard Air Force One in time for Wednesday night's poetry party.

-- Andrew Malcolm

Follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or click this: @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle.Use the ReTweet buttons above to share any item with family and friends.

 

Response to the president's immigration speech by Arizona Gov. Jan  Brewer, as provided by her office

After two years of waiting, I am glad the White House has chosen to focus on immigration. But I remain skeptical. It would be a shame if this effort is more about locking down votes in 2012 than securing our nation’s border today.

First, the President should have come to the Arizona border, where I have invited him repeatedly. He should have spoken to our ranchers, who live with drug-runners and human-smugglers crossing their lands. He should have met with our law enforcement officers, who are frequently outgunned by the heavily-armed cartels.

Nearly half of our nation’s border apprehensions occur in Arizona. Our state remains America’s gateway for illegal immigration, and we continue to bear the brunt of the federal government’s failure on this issue. If the President felt confident in declaring the border secure, he should have come to tell the people of Arizona face-to-face.

Everyone can agree our immigration system is broken. Any reasonable fix will require the good-faith efforts of state leaders, members of Congress, local officials, the business community and the White House. But the people of America won’t be fooled again. They know that any talk of a path to citizenship is simply amnesty by another name. And they’re smart enough to recognize a political ploy when they see it.

I’m afraid today’s announcement is simply more of the ‘promise something, do nothing, blame someone’ political spin we’ve become accustomed to hearing from Washington. That would be a shame.    ####

Photo: Michael Schennum / Associated Press (Brewer); Bob Pearson / EPA (Obama speaking at one of two Austin party fundraisers).

Obama warns White House party crowd: 'You do not want to be between Michelle and a tamale'

El president Obama meant it as a joke for his latest White House party tonight, one to mark Cinco de Mayo.

The crowd laughed.

But Mr. Obama may pay for this public quip later tonight up in their private quarters. Since Primera Esposa Michelle Obama has been talking healthy eating and combating obesity for muchos meses, Even as her husband continues to be photographed downing junk food at most any opportunity..

No 'Cinco de Cuatro' gaffe this year. Obama learned his lesson two years ago; you can read this year's version in full by scrolling down. Americans politicians and many of their constituents mark May 5 as a celebration of Mexican-Americans and their heritage, especially the year before an election. In parts of Mexico the fest actually has more to do with a thumping they gave French soldiers 149 years ago (and not in soccer).

The president was clearly in a jolly mood despite a somber day of 9/11 wreath-laying at New York's ground zero. He promised the crowd a short speech and sort of delivered (11 minutes), unless you were hungry.

He thanked the usual long list of attendees, who can never get enough POTUS shoutouts. And he also thanked "my band," although the musicians on hand actually belong to the United States Marine Corps.

-- Andrew Malcolm

Celebrate any holiday by following The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or click this: @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle. Use the ReTweet buttons above to share any item with family and friends.

President Obama's Cinco de Mayo remarks, as provided by the White House

THE PRESIDENT:  Gracias, gracias. (Applause.)

AUDIENCE:  USA!  USA!  USA!

THE PRESIDENT:  Thank you. Gracias. Buenas noches. (Applause.) Bienvenidos. Welcome to the Cinco de Mayo at the White House.  (Applause.)   

Nothing ruins a good fiesta like a long speech from a politician. (Laughter.) So I'm going to keep it short.

MRS. OBAMA: Keep it short.(Laughter.) 

THE PRESIDENT:  Keep it short. I just want to acknowledge a few proud Latinos and friends of Latinos who are here with us tonight:  A great friend to me and to the United States, Ambassador Arturo Sarukhan is here, from Mexico, with his lovely wife Verónica.  (Applause.)  Interior....

Late-night's best: Oprah, Obama, Osama, Oh, Biden!

As The Ticket's 63,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,600 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above.

Letterman: So Joe Biden slept through President Obama's deficit speech. Give Biden a break. He's completely exhausted from whatever the hell he does all day.

Leno: The FAA is taking steps to fire a Knoxville air traffic controller for sleeping five hours on duty. Taking steps? He was sleeping five hours on an eight-hour shift! What do you have to do to get fired from government?

Leno: President Obama has a plan to pay off our $14-trillion debt: He calls on all Americans to have more grandchildren to grow up and pay taxes.

Leno: The price of gas in Southern California is now close to five bucks a gallon. It's so expensive today I passed a van packed with legal Americans.

Leno: Gas prices went up 20 cents just this week! Shouldn't we stop calling it crude oil and just make it obscene oil?

Leno: A new poll says only 19% of Americans strongly approve of Obama. The other 81% do not own gas stations.

Leno: So relations are strained between the U.S. and Pakistan, which says it's slowing down the hunt for Osama bin Laden. Really? 10 years now. How do you tell slower?

Conan: Hillary Clinton said the ousting of Ivory Coast President Laurent Gbagbo sends a message to other dictators. And the message is, “If we can’t pronounce your name, you’re toast.”

Letterman: The Obamas plan a little change in this year's White House Easter Egg Roll. This year the kids will be looking for Obama’s birth certificate.

Conan: In a recent interview, President Obama said, “I miss being anonymous."  He says,....