Late-night jokes: Obama vows to double August's job growth of zero

As The Ticket's 73,000-plus Twitter followers and 7,200 Facebook friends/fans know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass this weekly collection on to friends using the "Share" buttons above.

Letterman: Wasn't Labor Day great, folks? Labor Day is now that time of year when Americans take three days off from looking for work.

Fallon: President Obama is refusing to give specifics about his jobs plan because he wants people to tune in on Thursday. That’s not how you handle the economy -– that’s how you handle the ‘American Idol’ results show. 'I have a plan that could put millions back to work. You’ll find out more…after the break.'

Leno: President Obama's jobs speech was tonight: A guy whose job nobody approves of giving a speech about jobs that don't exist to people who don't have any jobs.

Fallon: President Obama's $447-billion spending plan is called the American Jobs Act. It would have had a cooler name, but the name guy was laid off six months ago.

Leno: President Obama gives his big speech this week on job growth. How many of you think it will be a really short speech?

Leno: President Obama named his new $447-billion legislation the American Jobs Act. Better than the original name, the Save My Ass Act.

Letterman: Don't forget, folks, tomorrow is take your son or daughter with you to the Unemployment Office Day.

Leno: A new L.A. Times poll says 75% of Californians think the country is headed in the wrong direction. It's so bad that 60% of Californians are thinking about returning to Mexico.

Fallon: The Libyan rebels are claiming that they have Moammar Kadafi trapped within a 40-mile radius. Or as that’s also known, not trapped.

Letterman: Autumn's in the air. You can tell it's fall because that’s when the networks begin collecting nuts for their reality shows.

Leno: Government statistics show the U.S. economy created zero jobs in August. President Obama now says he's confident this month he can double that.

Conan: The L.A. Dodgers may be bought by Chinese investors. So, good news for America: Finally, something China is not going to win at!

Conan: Did you hear this? A new report says the U.S. Postal Service could go out of business this winter. On the bright side, the Post Office won't get that report in the mail for another two years.

Leno: The government says there are now 3 million fewer U.S. smokers than five years ago. Mainly due to a condition known as being dead.

Leno: The NFL season kicks off Thursday night right here on NBC. We are all very excited. The game will be on right after the season finale of President Obama.

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President Obama's job approval is now lower than uncle's blood alcohol level

-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photo: Los Angeles Times illustration by Andrew Malcolm; Pete Souza / White House.

Rick Perry grins, shrugs and swings away at Reagan Library GOP debate

 
Texas Gov. Rick Perry came under fire as Republican aspirants to Ronald Reagan's old job gathered under the wings of his former Air Force One tonight, for another debate aired on national TV.

Fresh from surveying wildfires in his home state, Perry was the shiny new toy at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley. It was his first presidential debate, and moderators Brian Williams of "NBC Nightly News" and Politico editor-in-chief John Harris called on him at most every opportunity.

And he didn't disappoint, particularly in pointed exchanges with former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, who was the presumptive front-runner until Perry entered the race on Aug. 13, the day of the Ames straw poll in Iowa.

Consider this exchange on the question of job creation:

Perry: "Michael Dukakis created jobs three times faster than you did, Mitt." (A grin and a "whaddya gonna do?" sort of shrug followed.)

Romney: "George Bush and his predecessor created jobs at a faster rate than you did, Governor."

Perry: "That's not correct."

Romney: "That is correct."

Williams: "Nice to see that everybody came prepared for tonight's conversation."

Or, when Rep. Ron Paul of Texas said Perry wrote a letter in the '90s "supporting Hillarycare."

Perry countered that he was his state's agriculture commissioner during the Clinton administration and that he was urging Hillary Rodham Clinton, then the first lady, not to forget rural healthcare in her proposal to overhaul healthcare policy. Then he looked at Paul and said, "I was more interested in the one you wrote to Ronald Reagan, saying, 'I'm going to quit the party because of the things you believe in.' "

"Oh," said Paul, "I need an answer on that!"

He went on to explain how he'd supported Reagan in 1976, and supported his....

Late-night jokes: East Coast quake also cracks Nancy Pelosi's hair

As The Ticket's 71,000-plus Twitter followers and 7,100 Facebook friends/fans know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the "Share" buttons above.

Jay Leno: A new report out says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: Last year they were worth $5 million.

David Letterman: Things are looking really bad for President Obama. His job approval is way down. He's up there on Martha’s Vineyard again. And it looks like he may be voted off the island.

Conan O'Brien: Oprah Winfrey is returning to TV with a new show. That’s right, that’s how bad things are in this country -- even Oprah has run out of money.

Jimmy Fallon: A new study says eating healthy adds $380 to your grocery costs yearly. Or as Americans put it, ‘Cool, I saved $380 this year!’

O'Brien: A brawl broke out during Vice President Joe Biden's recent speech in China. Apparently, someone was blocking the exit.

O'Brien: The stock market plunged today and the price of gold is at a record high. In fact, the price of gold is so high, today an angry mob looted Mr. T.

Letterman: You know that big East coast earthquake, 5.8 down in D.C. It was so strong that Nancy Pelosi's hair actually cracked.

Letterman: As you know, President Obama was vacationing on Martha's Vineyard. It's really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating.

Letterman: If Libya's Kadafi goes, can that country get a functioning stable government? And if they can, for the love of God, will they show us how to do it?

O'Brien: Ford is working on a new automotive technology to enable your car to communicate with other cars around it.  The new technology is being called a horn.

Letterman: I tell ya tough times for President Obama. His poll numbers are way down. The other day he went for a walk on the beach. And the tide went out.

Letterman: Regis Philbin celebrated his 80th birthday quietly with his money. 80 years old. Oh, and firefighters have the cake under control.

O'Brien: The American Psychological Assn. says that workplace incivility is on the rise. I heard about that from one of my stupid employees who I'll probably fire.

O'Brien: A year after their rescue, those Chilean miners are still unemployed. Most employers hesitate to hire them because of the giant gap in their resume.

O'Brien: They have a new GPS device out with Yoda's voice. Is it just me? If you are getting turn-by-turn directions, do you really want someone who speaks backwards?

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photos: (top) Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-San Francisco). Credit: Yuri Gripas / AFP/Getty Images

(bottom) Yoda puppet that is. Credit: Stephen Osman / Los Angeles Times

Sarah Palin's four-point plan on Libya

President Obama may still be dining with the elite at fancy island restaurants on Martha's Vineyard, but Sarah Palin is pondering the future of Libya and wisely pushing to wind down American involvement in that latest military entanglement.

Palin may not be in the race for her party's 2012 presidential nomination, but the Republican former governor released her four-point Libya plan late Thursday night to her 3.2 million fans on Facebook. Her first concern is to protect U.S. interests in that troubled land. 

"The fall of a tyrant and sponsor of terrorism is a great day for freedom-loving people around the world," she wrote. But then warned that the path to democracy is incomplete there and "we must make wise choices to ensure that our national interests are protected."

First, Palin said, the Obama White House must avoid celebrating too heartily and recall instead that tribal and sectarian fighting can erupt as it did in previous conflicts, such as in Kosovo, Bosnia and Iraq.

Second, Palin said, "history teaches that those with the guns usually prevail when a coalition overthrows a tyrant." And she warned the rebel command is an outgrowth of the Islamic Libya Fighting Group, some of whose commanders have links to Al Qaeda.

Third, Palin writes, "we should not commit U.S. troops or military assets to serve as peacekeepers or perform humanitarian missions or nation-building in Libya. Our military is already over-committed and strained, and a vaguely designed mission can be the first step toward a quagmire."

Finally, Palin said terrorist groups are trying to co-opt the Libyan revolution and the United States must use its intelligence assets to thwart that.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

Keep track of the Obama administration's latest military strikes by following The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or click this: @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle. Use the ReTweet buttons above to share any item with family and friends.

Photo: Sarah Palin makes an appearance on Aug. 12. Credit: Charles Dharapak / Associated Press

Eww! Moammar Kadafi (hearts) Condoleezza Rice

Apparently, longtime Libyan despot Moammar Kadafi did not have a whole lot of time to load up the U-Haul when he left his immense housing compound in Tripoli the other day.

Ransacking rebels -- are there any other kind? -- are still apparently going through the personal treasure troves of the strange fellow who's ruled Libya since Barack Obama was an elementary school pupil who thought fundraisers were for classroom cookies or school magazine subscription drives.

This is part of the ritual dismantling of despotic regimes familiar to the aftermath of such downfalls.

Remember when American troops were going through the house of Saddam Hussein's mistress in Baghdad a few years ago?  They found the predictable 6,000 handguns for amusement. Wine. Decadent impressionistic artwork of females whose faces were uncloaked along with other anatomical areas.

Most embarrassing perhaps was the revelation that ironman Hussein, one of the world's most evil men who killed thousands of innocents for no particular reason, put up with a household companion who had a particular female fetish for piling brightly colored and totally useless little pillows all over the beds and chairs each morning and then removing them again each night.

Anyway, jubilant rebels in Tripoli are showing off proof today that the self-appointed Col. Kadafi was, in addition to torture and terrorism, into scrapbooking.

And Condoleezza Rice.

He had several scrapbooks devoted to the former professor, campaign advisor, national security advisor and secretary of State for George W. Bush.

Kadafi has a longtime fondness for women; he had his own "elite" female security force and, of course, purportedly numerous mistresses who've told tales for pay of lavish gifts and decadent lifestyles, if you can believe there's hypocrisy in high places.

The smart female friends, many of them non-Libyan, retired from his circle a few years ago. Kadafi also spoke glowingly of Rice a few years ago as a strong African woman.

Rice is an avid sports fan. She's now returned to the faculty of Stanford University and the Hoover Institution, disdaining repeated media talk of a political career and still dreaming of becoming commissioner of the National Football League someday. She also has an eagerly anticipated memoir coming out this fall, "No Higher Honor."

Rice, of course, is long accustomed to the public spotlight and wary of its fickle ways. She used to tell the story that as a member of Exxon's board of directors she once had an oil tanker named for her.

She appreciated the intended honor but with a smile found it a dubious distinction because "there's only one reason an oil tanker with my name would ever come up in the news -- and it's not a good one."

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Libyan ladies locked and loaded to discuss feminine issues

 -- Andrew Malcolm

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Photos: Ammar Abd Rabbo / Abaca Press via MCT (Rebels in Tripoli display the Condoleezza Rice scrapbooks found in Kadafi's compound); Alex Quesada / Los Angeles Times (Rice, 2004).

Obama on Libya: Mission Accomplished, almost

The vacationing Barack Obama was walking through the woods on Martha's Vineyard today, when he decided to give a speech to the nation on Libya.

Fortunately, a podium was growing nearby, along with the all-important presidential seal.

So, the Real Good Talker did speak. For about seven minutes. And, as usual, his full text is below.

Obama said Kadafi's hours are numbered, though some resistance continues. He celebrated rebel valor, NATO teamwork and expressed the hope that unlike so many revolutions in history, this one would not turn on itself, but would lead to a peaceful transition to a new democratic Libya in the community of nations.

When he started the war on Libyan dictator Moammar Kadafi way back in March, Obama wasn't trying to oust Kadafi. In fact, he vowed to prohibit that kind of mission creep. And no U.S. boots on the ground for sure.

Obama then was flying off with his family that weekend to tour South America. Much of Obama's historical political persona was based on being strongly opposed to U.S. military action in the internal fighting of a Muslim nation, that being Iraq.

Fighting terrorist Muslims in Afghanistan was OK with him. Also droning them in Pakistan, Somalia and Yemen. Syria's brutal dictator could continue killing hundreds of his people with only verbal warnings. But in March, there was a new sandy landscape of Libya for Tomahawk missiles.

Obama was slow to explain to Americans then how after 42 years of brutal Kadafi rule going....

Libya war news draws Obama statement from vacation: A tyrant's grasp slips

Libya

President Obama statement on Libya, as provided by the vacation White House

Tonight, the momentum against the Qadhafi regime has reached a tipping point.

Tripoli is slipping from the grasp of a tyrant. The Qadhafi regime is showing signs of collapsing. The people of Libya are showing that the universal pursuit of dignity and freedom is far stronger than the iron fist of a dictator.

The surest way for the bloodshed to end is simple: Moammar Qadhafi and his regime need to recognize that their rule has come to an end. Qadhafi needs to acknowledge the reality that he no longer controls Libya.

He needs to relinquish power once and for all.

Meanwhile, the United States has recognized the Transitional National Council as the legitimate governing authority in Libya.

At this pivotal and historic time, the TNC should continue to demonstrate the leadership that is necessary to steer the country through a transition by respecting the rights of the people of Libya, avoiding civilian casualties, protecting the institutions of the Libyan state, and pursuing a transition to democracy that is just and inclusive for all of the people of Libya.

A season of conflict must lead to one of peace.
 
The future of Libya is now in the hands of the Libyan people.

Going forward, the United States will continue to stay in close coordination with the TNC.

We will continue to insist that the basic rights of the Libyan people are respected. And we will continue to work with our allies and partners in the international community to protect the people of Libya, and to support a peaceful transition to democracy.    ####

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Photos: Esam Al-Fetori / Reuters (Benghazi residents celebrate rebel entry into Tripoli); Steven Senne / Associated Preess (Obama golfs on Martha's Vineyard, Aug. 21).

'Ramadan Kareem:' Obama marks the Muslim holiday

Statement by President Obama on Ramadan, as provided by the White House

As Ramadan begins, Michelle and I would like to send our best wishes to Muslim communities in the United States and around the world. 

Ramadan is a festive time that is anticipated for months by Muslims everywhere. Families and communities share the happiness of gathering together for iftar and prayers. Bazaars light up the night in many cities from Rabat to Jakarta. And here in the United States, Muslim Americans share Ramadan traditions with their neighbors, fellow students, and co-workers. 

 For so many Muslims around the world, Ramadan is also a time of deep reflection and sacrifice.

As in other faiths, fasting is used to increase spirituality, discipline, and consciousness of God's mercy.  It is also a reminder of the importance of reaching out to those less fortunate.

The heartbreaking accounts of lost lives and the images of families and children in Somalia and the Horn of Africa struggling to survive remind us of our common humanity and compel us to act. Now is the time for nations and peoples to come together to avert an even worse catastrophe by offering support and assistance to on-going relief efforts.

Times like this remind us of the lesson of all great faiths, including Islam -- that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us.  In that spirit, I wish Muslims around the world a blessed month, and I look forward to again hosting an iftar dinner here at the White House. Ramadan Kareem.    ####

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Photo: Noah Seelam / AFP / Getty Images (Indian women begin their Ramadan prayers, Aug. 1).

Bipartisan debt deal draws bipartisan flak from Limbaugh, Krugman, Beck--and a Gallup warning

No wonder top Senate Democrat Harry Reid wants a quick vote on the bipartisan deficit reduction agreement:

Less than 24 hours in, opposition is jelling quickly. And it too is bipartisan.

Oh, and a new Gallup Poll now gives President Obama his lowest weekly approval rating ever.

Sunday night was all about legislators, who love making deals, having made a deal after making it look hard for weeks. Monday is all about explaining it. At least $2.1 trillion in spending cuts sounds good to many.

But wait, what? Cut $350 billion from defense? In this day and age. With a community patrol officer as president launching protective military attacks against Libya over what its dictator might do to civilians, while Syria's regime actually does kill them by the hundreds and draws wimpy warnings?

Some might see bipartisan unhappiness with the budget deal as a sign of a genuine compromise. Others that it might be doomed. And they could both be right.

Top radio talker Rush Limbaugh points out the maximum $2.4-trillion debt increase would be the largest increase in U.S. history on top of the previous largest increase ever ($1.9 trillion), both by the pen of Obama. Limbaugh predicts Obama will cite a failure of cuts next year and return to his tax increase demands.

Glenn Beck, who also doesn't hold elective office, pronounces:

Don’t be fooled. We’ve just been betrayed by Washington. A deal on the debt ceiling is near and Washington still hasn’t gotten serious about the fundamentals. It hasn’t gotten serious about default. It certainly hasn’t gotten serious about the future. When Harry Reid hails a “bipartisan compromise” you know we’re doomed.

Republicans and Democrats have just negotiated away the future of our children behind closed doors. The big compromise on Capitol Hill features elaborate triggers, tranches, Hornswogglers, Snozzwangers, Super Duper Commissions that will make the Snozzberries taste like Snozeberries, and a whole bunch of other convoluted gibberish that will, no doubt, come with loopholes and create entire new bureaucracies.

What it doesn’t do is fix the problem.

Over on the left, the White House was busy this afternoon trying to calm angry progressives such as bearded talker Paul Krugman. He says Obama surrendered and folded, and he urges a "no" vote on the "disaster."

Firedoglake is organizing calls to Congress to denounce especially the unconstitutional "super Congress" soon to be making further cuts outside the purview of other elected members.

And libertarian-like Texas Rep. Ron Paul joins Krugmen in blasting the agreement for its false promises. Do we hear a can being kicked down the road yet again?

On the polling front, Gallup this afternoon released a new survey finding Obama's weekly job approval is now at 42%, one point lower than his previous lowest.

Such a deal for everyone.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photo: Andrew Harrer / Bloomberg (Reid); Nicholas Kamm / AFP / Getty Images (Joe Biden smiles gamely on Capitol Hill, Aug. 1).

Ticket pic of the week: Locked and loaded, Libyan ladies discuss women's issues

A trio of Libyan ladies arrive for a scheduled forum on women's issues.

Naturally, being supporters of Moammar Kadafi and under attack for several months by NATO forces led from behind by the United States, the women are armed and ready for any discussion topic that may come up.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photo: Med Lamloum / AFP/Getty Images