Late-night's best: Libya, Libya, Zuckerberg and Libya

As The Ticket's 61,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,600 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above.

Here's the usual Monday morning collection:

Leno: Do you believe we're fighting three wars now? Can you imagine how many it would be if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize?

Letterman: Let’s see, we’ve got a war going in Iraq. And a war going in Afghanistan. Now a war in Libya. My God, you need brackets to track this stuff.

Letterman: Pentagon says we’ll be out of Libya in a couple of weeks. That’s good enough for me. Let me translate that for you: 10-year quagmire.

Leno: The Pentagon says we have a definite end date for the Libya war. Do you believe that? We still have troops in Germany and that’s, what, 65 years?

Leno: The Pentagon says that U.S. military involvement in Libya is limited with a defined end date. Yeah, it'll end when gas drops below $3 a gallon.

Conan: The first day of airstrikes against Libya cost more than $100 million. To put it....

Ticket pic of the week: 'You know, in the last uprising we didn't have cellphones'

"Hello, is this the Tripoli Triple-A?"

 

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Ticket video of the week: Jesse gets down to work

-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photo: Hussein Malla /Associated Press

Ex-Illinois state senator changes mind on U.S. government causing Middle Eastern regime change

With President Obama locked out of his own White House (see photo on right and video below), Jay Carney stepped up and issued the latest in a series of official denunciations Thursday of a Middle Eastern dictator doing deadly things to demonstrators.

Such warnings about dictators behaving badly have been the political precursor this winter to even more serious American pronouncements and foreign trips by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who's off again this weekend.

First Tunisia, then Egypt have been warned by this White House under what is becoming known as the Obama Doctrine.

The emerging Obama Doctrine can be roughly described as being caught off-guard by foreign events, issuing numerous rhetorical warnings that sound swell and waiting for somebody else to do something because the president's too busy calling on someone to do something about the quality of American education, which has polled better than foreign forays.

Coming days after Syrian government agents began killing demonstrators there, is Carney's....

Obama writes U.S. Congress from Chile: FYI, we attacked Libya on Saturday, but it was 'discrete'

Letter from the President regarding the commencement of operations in Libya

(as provided by the White House)

 March 21, 2011

Dear Mr. Speaker: (Dear Mr. President:)

At approximately 3:00 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time, on March 19, 2011, at my direction, U.S. military forces commenced operations to assist an international effort authorized by the United Nations (U.N.) Security Council and undertaken with the support of European allies and Arab partners, to prevent a humanitarian catastrophe and address the threat posed to international peace and security by the crisis in Libya.

As part of the multilateral response authorized under U.N. Security Council Resolution 1973, U.S. military forces, under the command of Commander, U.S. Africa Command, began a series of strikes against air defense systems and military airfields for the purposes of preparing a no-fly zone.

These strikes will be limited in their nature, duration, and scope. Their purpose is....

Late-night's best: Kadafi loses control, Rahm Emanuel's premature victory, Harry Reid on hookers

As The Ticket's 59,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,500 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above.

Here's the regular Monday morning collection from the previous week:

Jimmy Fallon: The National Geographic Channel has a new show, an inside look at the Secret Service. It's called "Ruining the Whole Point of the Secret Service."

Conan O'Brien: Rahm Emanuel wins the Chicago mayoral election. In keeping with Chicago tradition, his victory was announced two weeks ago.

Jay Leno: Congratulations to President Obama’s former aide Rahm Emanuel, elected mayor of Chicago with more than 120% of the vote.

Fallon: Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid wants to outlaw prostitution back in Nevada. Says he wants to keep prostitution where it belongs -- Washington.

David Letterman: Obama plans a $3.7-trillion federal budget? That's not a budget. That's a Tiger Woods pre-nup. What's the deal? Are the feds buying everything from the mini-bar?

Letterman: History note: Remember that story about Abe Lincoln walking three miles to ...

Ticket pic of the week: So, you wanna shoot some hoops or guns?

One of our favorite websites is engrish.com, which collects creative English misuses from around the globe.

Here's a new one from a rack of flip-flops on sale in China.

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Ticket pic of the week: Even pandas need to play too

Ticket video of the week: Jesse gets down to work

-- Andrew Malcolm

Speaking of funds, you need none to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or click this: @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle. Use the ReTweet buttons above to share any item with family and friends.

Showdown! Arizona vs Utah as first with an official state gun

Listen. If individual states can have their official seal and motto and song and bird and fruit and flower and fish and insect and fossil and even cooking pot.

Why not an official state gun?

Looks like that'll work in Arizona.

And what better place to launch the favorite firearm trend than the historic home state of the notorious O.K. Corral, where the Earp brothers and Doc Holliday shot it out with the Clantons et al 130 years ago this fall?

Although a movie or two muddled many details and some still say yellow-belly Ike Clanton ran from the showdown on Tombstone's Fremont Street.

Legislators in the Grand Canyon State currently aim to name the Colt Single Action Army Revolver as Arizona's official state gun, allegedly in memory of its 19th-century frontier days. And what a meaningful honor that would be, right?

Now, when some little item like this pops up in the news to break the hopelessly depressing monotony of faraway really important events, a cynic could suspect that....

Joe Biden update: He watches START treaty signing

Who said vice presidents rarely do much useful or important?

Even Democratic Vice President Joe Biden was allowed into the Oval Office on Wednesday to help witness President Obama signing the new START missile warhead reduction treaty with Russia. This is a really big deal until the next one.

The nation's economy is obviously now in full-swing recovery mode because, as everyone knows, for this crowd creating jobs has been Job One from Day One.

So, there's plenty of free time now for nine other Washington types to help witness the presidential signing by uselessly standing around. (If a president signs something and nobody's officially watching, is it still really, really signed?)

In attendance were a handful of senators who always seem to show up for these things to get a free pen.

But also on hand were people who do actual work, such as Joint Chiefs Chairman Mike Mullen and Energy Secretary Steven Chu. Chu has a Nobel Prize, in case you forgot, just like the president. That makes two Nobel medals in one cabinet, Obama's cabinet.

As veteran campaigners who know in their hearts that they should be the one sitting behind that presidential desk, John Kerry and Hillary Clinton instinctively staked out positions directly behind the signer to ensure they don't get cut out of most news photos.

Because of the Obama administration's policy of occasional transparency, news photographers were also allowed in to witness and record the full range of the ceremony's obvious excitement.

-- Andrew Malcolm

Click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or click this: @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle. Use the ReTweet buttons above to share any item with family and friends.

Photo: Alex Wong / Getty Images; Carolyn Kaster / Associated Press.

Obama's State of the Union: 'We do big things'

Prepared text of President Obama's State of the Union, as provided by the White House

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans:

Tonight I want to begin by congratulating the men and women of the 112th Congress, as well as your new Speaker, John Boehner. And as we mark this occasion, we are also mindful of the empty chair in this Chamber, and pray for the health of our colleague – and our friend – Gabby Giffords.

It’s no secret that those of us here tonight have had our differences over the last two years. The debates have been contentious; we have fought fiercely for our beliefs. And that’s a good thing. That’s what a robust democracy demands. That’s what helps set us apart as a nation.

But there’s a reason the tragedy in Tucson gave us pause. Amid all the noise and passions and rancor of our public debate, Tucson reminded us that no matter who we are or where we come from, each of us is a part of something greater – something more consequential than party or political preference.

We are part of the American family. We believe that in a country where every race and faith and point of view can be found, we are still bound together as one people; that we share common hopes and a common creed; that the dreams of a little girl in Tucson are not so different than those of our own children, and that they all deserve the chance to be fulfilled.

That, too, is what sets us apart as a nation.

Now, by itself, this simple recognition won’t usher in a new era of cooperation. What comes of this moment is up to us. What comes of this moment will be determined not by whether we can sit together tonight, but whether we can work together tomorrow.

I believe we can. I believe we must. That’s what the people who sent us here expect of us. With....

Anticipating Obama's State of the Union as edited for the new civility

With House Republican snipers trying to pick off repeal parts of his healthcare legislation, President Obama will attempt to march wend his way through the political minefield briar patch of his next State of the Union address this  evening.

Fully armed With policy talking points, he'll issue a trumpet call to battle stations  arms rally embattled determined Democrats to gear up prepare for the crucial assault run-up on the 2012 presidential election year.

With so many obedient party members debunked diminished destroyed demolished defeated in November's midterm battle struggle as collateral damage for that take-no-prisoners healthcare vote, the Real Good Talker president will have dozens fewer friendly faces gazing up at the podium where Speaker Nancy Pelosi John Boehner now wields holds the gavel.

As usual, Vice President Joe Biden will also be there asleep applauding.

Many of the Supreme Court's nine justices, having been riddled bombarded chided by Obama during last year's speech partisan rally, may opt to stay home tonight and watch an adult a cable channel.

In a new poll of likely voters in advance of the president's rhetorical rant speech, Rasmussen Reports finds that slightly fewer Americans are interested in the annual ritual this year.

An eye-popping Forty-seven percent say these things are mostly for show, if you can imagine such a phony thing on TV in American politics. Forty-four percent find these Capitol Hill dronings addresses ever so important in setting national policy.

Fifteen percent of Americans are dense enough to believe that presidents accomplish most of what they blabber talk about in these appearances.

The president is certain to go on about discuss the professed importance of both parties working together this year because, as he so often says, there's plenty of time for his legions of campaign troops to close ranks campaign in 2012.

In fact, there are still 671 670 669 668 days until the presidential election, so much time in fact that chief political strategist David Axelrod isn't marching rushing back to the Chicago war room campaign headquarters office to take aim at plan for possible aggressors Republican Swiftboaters opponents until next year month.

-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photo: Pete Souza / White House (Democrat Obama is about to speak).