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Letterman: Big Labor Day Weekend. The day each year we celebrate our work force. Do we even have a work force anymore?
Leno: So the U.S. economy created zero jobs in August. Zero. President Obama says don't read too much into that. How can we? There's nothing there. It's zero!
Fallon: Denny's is now selling The Mac ‘n Cheese Big Daddy Patty, a burger-melt with macaroni and cheese. I know what you’re thinking – no bacon???
Leno: President Obama's Uncle Omar is in trouble. Imagine getting picked up for drunk driving, jailed and the only person you can call for bail money is $14 trillion in debt.
Fallon: Hurricane Irene caused $7 billion in damages. Mainly to the bodies of people who ate a week's worth of food supplies in one night.
Leno: Did you see Hurricane Irene over the weekend? Got downgraded to a tropical storm. Now, even our hurricanes get downgraded.
Leno: Well, at least Hurricane Irene did something the economy couldn't do. It got President Obama back into the White House.
Letterman: President Obama’s uncle was arrested for DUI. Here’s the odd part: His blood-alcohol level was actually higher than the president’s job approval.
Leno: As Hurricane Irene approached, 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey. Today, three of them went back.
Letterman: The CIA is hoping Kadafi's weapons don't fall into the wrong hands. And I said, Wait! Aren’t they already in the wrong hands?
Letterman: Such a lovely day today in New York City. Warm, sunny, blue skies. So because of that, Mayor Bloomberg only held three emergency briefings.
Fallon: A new survey finds that half of all American employees have faked a sick day. While the other half have just lied on a survey.
Letterman: President Obama unveils his next big jobs bill this week. I'm sure that will sail right through.
Fallon: A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually takes place after the man points out that the woman gained more weight after marriage.
Fallon: Big movie news: Box office revenues were up this summer, although ticket sales were down. I was so confused, I almost spilled my $30 bucket of popcorn.
Fallon: A cute story here. Beyonce reveals that she and Jay-Z are expecting a baby. That kid is gonna have everything! Except a last name.
-- Andrew Malcolm
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Photos: Framingham Police Dept. (Onyango Obama); Denny's.