Late-night jokes: Starbucks CEO reveals how he got rich

As The Ticket's 73,000-plus Twitter followers and 7,200 Facebook friends/fans know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each evening.

Feel free to pass this weekly collection on to friends using the "Share" buttons above.

Fallon: President Obama arrived 25 minutes late for a luncheon at the United Nations. In fact, he was so late, he had to sit next to Joe Biden at the kids' table.

Letterman: The U.N. General Assembly is reconvening. Fun to drive by and see those world leaders sitting on the front porch hooting at all the passing chicks.

Conan: Arnold Schwarzenegger is writing a memoir. It'll be available in hardcover, paperback and a book-on-tape that’s impossible to understand.

Fallon: At a New York City fundraiser President Obama says he's in ‘in a New York ...

Late-night jokes: Secret Service responds to Facebook threats with its own

As The Ticket's 73,000-plus Twitter followers and 7,200 Facebook friends/fans know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each evening. Feel free to pass this weekly collection on to friends using the "Share" buttons above.

Conan: Big announcement today: Facebook says it's appointed a new director of privacy. His name is Dave Jenkins. He lives at 17 Oakwood Lane and his PIN number is 3153.

Leno: Someone left threatening messages on the White House Facebook page. The Secret Service takes this very seriously and warns if caught, you will be Unfriended.

Fallon: A new study finds that a mother's diet affects her baby's allergies. Which can only mean one thing: My mom ate cats.

Conan: A Michigan man wearing a President Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or President Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.

Letterman: Did you hear in Brooklyn a guy found a three-foot rat! Ever hear of Gambian pouch rats? The pouch, that's where they keep their guns.

Leno: A new study says women are being more honest about their weight. Warning for Guys: That doesn't mean YOU can be more honest about their weight. It's a one-way street.

Fallon: A South Carolina company is selling a device that tracks how many bites of food you have daily. I think we already have one. It's called your butt.

Fallon: In the last 30 years, the average homesize has increased 600 square feet. That's fitting since in the last 30 years the average person's size has increased 600 square feet.

Conan: A South Carolina man sneaked a TaserGun into an NFL game and tased somebody. The man was arrested and immediately signed by the Oakland Raiders.

Leno: Hmmm. You know that Philadelphia mint officer accused of stealing $2.4 million in coins? Well, he just paid his $50,000 bond all in nickels.

Leno: So this local porn studio is building a big underground bomb shelter for 1,500 people. Can you imagine that many poolboys, pizza guys and naughty nurses in one place?

Fallon: Researchers find that  your first decision is usually the right one. Then they were like, ‘Actually, wait, no. The second decision – THATS the right one.'

Leno: Good news for Obama. His approval overseas is very high, higher than at home. But then he's created more jobs overseas than at home.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photos: Marcio Jose Sanchez / Associated Press (an Oakland Raider fan); Ricardo DeAratanha / Los Angeles Times.

Sarah Palin's four-point plan on Libya

President Obama may still be dining with the elite at fancy island restaurants on Martha's Vineyard, but Sarah Palin is pondering the future of Libya and wisely pushing to wind down American involvement in that latest military entanglement.

Palin may not be in the race for her party's 2012 presidential nomination, but the Republican former governor released her four-point Libya plan late Thursday night to her 3.2 million fans on Facebook. Her first concern is to protect U.S. interests in that troubled land. 

"The fall of a tyrant and sponsor of terrorism is a great day for freedom-loving people around the world," she wrote. But then warned that the path to democracy is incomplete there and "we must make wise choices to ensure that our national interests are protected."

First, Palin said, the Obama White House must avoid celebrating too heartily and recall instead that tribal and sectarian fighting can erupt as it did in previous conflicts, such as in Kosovo, Bosnia and Iraq.

Second, Palin said, "history teaches that those with the guns usually prevail when a coalition overthrows a tyrant." And she warned the rebel command is an outgrowth of the Islamic Libya Fighting Group, some of whose commanders have links to Al Qaeda.

Third, Palin writes, "we should not commit U.S. troops or military assets to serve as peacekeepers or perform humanitarian missions or nation-building in Libya. Our military is already over-committed and strained, and a vaguely designed mission can be the first step toward a quagmire."

Finally, Palin said terrorist groups are trying to co-opt the Libyan revolution and the United States must use its intelligence assets to thwart that.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

Keep track of the Obama administration's latest military strikes by following The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or click this: @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle. Use the ReTweet buttons above to share any item with family and friends.

Photo: Sarah Palin makes an appearance on Aug. 12. Credit: Charles Dharapak / Associated Press

Sarah Palin documentary 'The Undefeated' expands to pay-per-view, DVD and even more theaters

  

While Sarah Palin's presidential ambitions remain an open question, the documentary about her is definitely launching a major campaign.

After a limited run in selected markets over the last two weekends, on Sunday, July 24, distributor ARC Entertainment announced a national rollout plan for director Stephen K. Bannon's "The Undefeated," which chronicles the former Alaska governor's political career before and after John McCain picked her to be his GOP running mate in the 2008 presidential election.

On Sept. 1, the film will be made available via On Demand and pay-per-view through national and regional cable and satellite operators, such as DirecTV, DISH Network and Time Warner Cable. After relying on....

Sarah Palin says she was not in tears after watching 'The Undefeated'

Sarah Palin took to Facebook Wednesday to refute a British tabloid that quoted the National Enquirer which said the former governor wept after watching celebrities from Madonna to Howard Stern criticize her in the documentary "The Undefeated."

Palin and her husband, Todd, were in attendance at the world premiere of the film last month in Iowa.

"An insider told the National Enquirer: 'Sarah was brought to tears and Todd was livid after they saw the movie with a crowd of supporters in Iowa,'" the Daily Mail wrote Wednesday.

Palin responded with a hearty "huh?"

"Obviously we’ve seen our share of media lies, but the latest fabrications circulated take a big slice of the cake. The UK Daily Mail reports that I was 'in tears' as Todd 'rages over Hollywood stars ripping' me in the new film 'The Undefeated.' Huh? Really?" she wrote on her Facebook page.

"The beautiful town of Pella, Iowa, was flooded with an army of media covering the premiere of this film. You’d think someone would have caught those tears and rages on tape, right? Well, here’s a video of the remarks I made at the Pella Opera House right after viewing the film. The emotion clearly displayed was gratitude to the filmmakers who invested their own time and money into highlighting my team’s record in Alaska. Todd and I were overwhelmed with gratitude, and we hope everyone sees this film," the hockey mom wrote.

Houston Press film critic Pete Vonder Haar attended an advance screening in Texas and wrote that viewers, no matter their political stripe, might learn something about Palin from the film.

"I could see a lot of people who loathe Palin come away from 'The Undefeated' grudgingly admitting she must have done some things right in Alaska (a state with a population less than that of Austin, sure, but still). That is, if they can wade through the nonstop imagery of martyrdom: lions feasting on innocent zebras, a knight felled by one of countless arrows (fired by the leftist media, no doubt), a woman's corpse getting dirt thrown in its face," he wrote last week.

The film is expected to be in limited release later this month. 

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-- Tony Pierce
twitter.com/busblog

Photo: A poster advertising the Sarah Palin documentary "The Undefeated" at the film's premiere in Pella, Iowa, on June 28. The documentary traces Palin's rise from mayor of tiny Wasilla, Alaska, to state governor and her rise as John McCain's running mate in 2008. Credit: Brian C. Frank / Reuters.

Andrew Malcolm is on assignment.

Casey Anthony found not guilty; Twitter erupts in outrage

Casey Anthony was found not guilty Tuesday of murdering her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee, by a jury in Florida. The court of public opinion, however, thought the young mother was more than guilty, and moments after the verdict of the trial was read, social networks including Twitter and Facebook exploded with references to O.J. Simpson, Johnnie Cochran, and how upset CNN's Nancy Grace was going to be.

Issues revolving around the nationally televised trial emerged online. People questioned how much "reasonable doubt" should be factored into decisions. And of course many speculated on Anthony's future as an author, reality-television participant and Lifetime movie subject.

"This verdict is Exhibit C in the case against televised trials," wrote one tweeter.

"The judicial system is based on the concept that is better to free the guilty than to condemn the innocent," wrote another.

But the general consensus of those reacting on social media could be summed up with this from  Marky Hladish, who disagreed with the jury.  "Ok. After minutes of investigation using the facts as presented by Wikipedia, I'm ready to posit that Casey Anthony got away with murder," he tweeted.

Many more reactions after the jump. Feel free to give your opinion in the comments.

Mitt Romney's Obama's 'Misery Index' example doesn't seem so miserable

Mitt Romney in April said, "We're going to have to hang the Obama Misery Index around his neck".

Thursday on Romney's YouTube channel, the former governor and GOP presidential hopeful, posted a video about a young man who claims that times are so tough that he has to eat bologna sandwiches.

The two-minute video called "Obama's Misery Index: Ryan's Story" features Ryan King, a recent college grad who in one moment complains that it's hard to get a job when you have no experience (“Is it my fault that I can’t get a job?”), but in the next moment says that he only has $3 in his wallet... until his next paycheck comes.

“To a certain point, you just start losing faith in yourself,” King says.

And at a certain point the viewer loses faith in the story.

Greg Sargent of the Washington Post reports that King was described in the local paper in 2009 as the vice treasurer for the Midland County Young Republicans, and his Facebook page has photos of him at the 2011 state GOP convention.

Indeed in the Facebook album called "Republican State Convention 2011 - Grand Rapids" King seems to be having a grand old time. 

However King's public Facebook wall reveals a different side to the the bologna misery. It's one that involves eating a bacon, sausage, egg and cheese burrito with beer, buying an excellent new speed-metal cd from the band In Flames, and getting wasted deford style.

Anthony Weiner, serial sexter, opts for ground service to deliver House resignation letter today

Four days after Anthony Weiner promised to quit, copies of his letter of resignation to New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo arrived on the desks of House leaders today.  It takes effect Tuesday.

It is now up to Cuomo to call a special election for his state's 9th Congressional District, covering parts of Brooklyn and Queens, most likely to coincide with November voting.

In case you've been over on MySpace, last month the married, seven-term congressman accidentally tweeted a photo of an enlarged private portion of his body to his entire Twitter audience instead of a direct message to one woman.

Weiner at first said he had been hacked, but his refusals to deny they were his gray briefs raised questions among those who could spot their own underwear if it appeared online. And the Democrat finally admitted serial sexting and sexual conversations on cell, Twitter and Facebook with at least half a dozen women around the country over the last three years.

Weiner said he was sorry and would seek treatment for something.

But after two days in seclusion, more shower self-portraits emerged of Weiner's package as did word that Weiner had exchanged private messages with a 17-year-old Delaware high school girl.

Even if they were discussing the newest X-Men movie, that ended the patience of Democratic colleagues and calls for his resignation grew.

Weiner's future career plans are unknown. Larry Flynt offered Weiner a job in his porno empire.

However, after his own sex scandal, resignation and a period of out-of-sight contrition, Weiner's fellow New York Democrat, ex-Gov. Eliot Spitzer, got a job judging other pols on CNN.  Also, after another recent alleged New York sexual incident, the International Monetary Fund's top job is open.

Although short for self-justifying resignation letters that end up in the National Archives, Weiner's departure missive was way too long for Twitter -- 212 characters.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

Don't forget to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or click this: @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle. Use the ReTweet buttons above to share any item with family and friends.

Photos: ABC News (one of the photos Megan Broussard said she exchanged with Weiner); Timothy A. Clary / AFP-Getty Images (Weiner's head).

Lessons of the Anthony Weiner sexting saga

Finally, we can all be rid of that awful Anthony Weiner scandal that had many of the elements that so disgust humans and their pandering media representative that they simply can't avert their eyes or mouse: power, sex, attractive women, dirty talk, lies, online infidelity, perversion and did we mention sex?

Like virtually every American, we really had zero interest in any of the sordid, sexy parts of the long Weiner story. All we cared about, quite frankly, was the potential for abuse of public resources by an elected official. And his truthfulness. That was key. Really.

Honey, we truly had no desire interest in reading any of the blackjack dealer's explicit texting transcripts until professional obligation called required. The Dallas bathrobe pic, towel shots, strategically placed cellphone can honestly say we did not see them much.

Same for watching the news conference of the porn star  stripper featured dancer with Gloria Allred that L.A. lawyer.

The Weiner saga did, however, reveal how amazing are the connective networkings within the human mind.

Once you raise erect establish that the subject is sex and a man, almost any word immediately takes on unintended pair of double meanings.

How, candidly, do you handle describe something as innocent as the national pastime without now snickering over balls the spherical objects they play with toss around throw? Or an on-deck player swinging his big bat. Reaching second base. Striking out. Scoring.

Suddenly, any sport is susceptible. A whole new meaning to sacking someone. Jockeys. Boxers. Diving. Breast stroke.

We won't insert detail fishing. Or golf. But you get the point subject matter.

This Weiner story, bottom line at the end of the day, was really about a pedestrian flasher who talked good and took advantage of his powerful position to attract female attention in certain parts ways from the presumed safety of his office chair.

We were pondering if this particular scandal would have had the same endurance  lasting power timeframe if Anthony's last name wasn't Weiner. If he was Anthony Solovitz. Or Tony Pesce. Would the late-night comedians still be doing their Oscar Mayer thing?

Just then the cell rang. FedEx with a package delivery.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

Don't forget to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or click this: @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle. Use the ReTweet buttons above to share any item with family and friends.

Photos: BigGovernment.com (Shirtless man identified as Anthony Weiner by BigGovernment.com); Carolyn Cole / Los Angeles Times (Weiner's resignation announcement, June 16).

Anthony Weiner's resignation now sought by a growing list of people who were not sexted by him

There are at least three prominent Democrats out there who have not yet suggested that fellow Democrat Anthony Weiner should resign from the U.S. House of Representatives -- Barack Obama's White House, ex-Speaker Nancy Pelosi and CNN's Eliot Spitzer.

They all have good reasons to steer clear of the Weiner mess. Why would a president, even one out of the Chicago machine, want to touch such a thing? Pelosi needs all the Democrats she can hold in her minority caucus -- and anyway she's from California.

And as the notorious Client No. 9, Spitzer walked into his own public sex scandal for patronizing prostitutes after prosecuting them, moving from one political scandal in office to another of spouting DNC talking points on CNN with low ratings.

However, elsewhere, the $174,000 congressional salary of the New Yorker Weiner seems in distinct jeopardy since he suddenly became more famous for his underwear (briefs), for what they were covering or not, for what he was sexting while on duty and for lying and concocting a phony hacker plot when confronted with the distasteful news.

Tim Kaine, former chairman of the Democrat National Committee, Wednesday suggested Weiner's public lying was "unforgivable and he should resign."

Admittedly, Kaine is himself running for office again (albeit only the Senate). So he could hardly be expected to endorse or ignore behavior involving even consensual sexually explicit online messages.

Then, Wednesday afternoon, Rep. Allyson Schwartz, a senior official of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, said Weiner should go. This one is serious.

"Having the respect of your constituents is fundamental for a member of Congress," Weiner's House colleague suggested. "In light of Anthony Weiner’s offensive behavior online, he should resign."

As his opening ploy to avoid joining the unemployment line after 10 days of lying, the seven-term Weiner this week appeared tearful at a news conference admitting his falsehoods and the allegations and sexting. He did claim that the half a dozen or so ongoing online and telephone relationships with women across the country were virtual affairs, not physically consummated.

While not suggesting Weiner resign, the often-speaking authority on pop stuff Dr. Drew confessed to his CNN audience that he had serious concerns for Weiner. "My fear," the doctor said, "is when all this really rushes in those moments that you see him looking so overwhelmed and so ashamed, that he could develop a severe mood disturbance."

In previous pathetic political news, Republican Rep. Chris Lee, who also drinks New York water, immediately resigned merely for posting a shirtless bathroom photo of his amazing abs. Weiner, however, is from New York City, which makes him far more important than upstater Lee.

Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee, suggested that Pelosi's response, a simple call for a House Ethics Committee investigation, was empty and silly. "Do we really need an investigation to determine if this guy's a creep or not," Priebus said.   

Priebus, whose party now controls the House and is in position to take over the Senate next year, may want to rethink this approach. If creepiness becomes a bipartisan disqualification for Congress, neither chamber would likely ever have a quorum.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who represents Nevada, home to one of Weiner's more explicit virtual mistresses, candidly said he would like to defend Weiner.

But he could not.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

Don't forget to follow the Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Or click this: @latimestot. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle. Use the ReTweet buttons above to share any item with family and friends.

Top photo: Anthony Weiner holds a sign to verify his identity in a photo sent to Meagan Broussard. Credit: ABC News. Bottom photo: Spitzer. Credit: Associated Press