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Late-night jokes: East Coast quake also cracks Nancy Pelosi's hair

Happy Nancy Pelosi 6-7-11As The Ticket's 71,000-plus Twitter followers and 7,100 Facebook friends/fans know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the "Share" buttons above.

Jay Leno: A new report out says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: Last year they were worth $5 million.

David Letterman: Things are looking really bad for President Obama. His job approval is way down. He's up there on Martha’s Vineyard again. And it looks like he may be voted off the island.

Conan O'Brien: Oprah Winfrey is returning to TV with a new show. That’s right, that’s how bad things are in this country -- even Oprah has run out of money.

Jimmy Fallon: A new study says eating healthy adds $380 to your grocery costs yearly. Or as Americans put it, ‘Cool, I saved $380 this year!’

O'Brien: A brawl broke out during Vice President Joe Biden's recent speech in China. Apparently, someone was blocking the exit.

O'Brien: The stock market plunged today and the price of gold is at a record high. In fact, the price of gold is so high, today an angry mob looted Mr. T.

Letterman: You know that big East coast earthquake, 5.8 down in D.C. It was so strong that Nancy Pelosi's hair actually cracked.

Letterman: As you know, President Obama was vacationing on Martha's Vineyard. It's really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating.

Letterman: If Libya's Kadafi goes, can that country get a functioning stable government? And if they can, for the love of God, will they show us how to do it?

O'Brien: Ford is working on a new automotive technology to enable your car to communicate with other cars around it.  The new technology is being called a horn.Yoda puppet this is

Letterman: I tell ya tough times for President Obama. His poll numbers are way down. The other day he went for a walk on the beach. And the tide went out.

Letterman: Regis Philbin celebrated his 80th birthday quietly with his money. 80 years old. Oh, and firefighters have the cake under control.

O'Brien: The American Psychological Assn. says that workplace incivility is on the rise. I heard about that from one of my stupid employees who I'll probably fire.

O'Brien: A year after their rescue, those Chilean miners are still unemployed. Most employers hesitate to hire them because of the giant gap in their resume.

O'Brien: They have a new GPS device out with Yoda's voice. Is it just me? If you are getting turn-by-turn directions, do you really want someone who speaks backwards?

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photos: (top) Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-San Francisco). Credit: Yuri Gripas / AFP/Getty Images

(bottom) Yoda puppet that is. Credit: Stephen Osman / Los Angeles Times

 
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About the Columnist
A veteran foreign and national correspondent, Andrew Malcolm has served on the L.A. Times Editorial Board and was a Pulitzer finalist in 2004. He is the author of 10 nonfiction books and father of four. Read more.
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