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Late-night jokes: Conan uncovers a secret clause in the debt ceiling deal

August 8, 2011 | 11:12 am

As The Ticket's 70,000-plus Twitter followers here and 7,000 Facebook friends/fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the "Share" buttons above.general george armstrong Custer The Last Stand by Nathaniel Philbrick Viking Penguin

Letterman: OK, Obama reached a debt compromise with congressional Republicans. As I understand the details, it's the same kind of compromise Custer reached with Sitting Bull.

Leno: Did you see the District of Columbia has the nation's worst drug and alcohol abuse problems?  If you watched the Redskins a whole season, you'd need some relief too. Let's not judge.

Letterman: They say we averted economic disaster with this debt ceiling nonsense. Now we're $16 trillion in debt instead of $14 trillion. How is that not an economic disaster?

Fallon: The other day President Obama said, ‘Things will get better.’ Then he opened his eyes and blew out the candles on his birthday cake.

Fallon: Michelle Obama asked her husband’s fans to sign an e-card for his 50th birthday. That explains why Joe Biden's computer screen has magic marker all over it.

Leno: President Obama turned 50 Thursday. A year ago he was in his forties and his approval was in the fifties. This year it's the other way around.Dr Phil

Leno: President Obama is making a three-day bus tour across the Midwest later this month focused on jobs, mainly him keeping his.

Conan: Did you read about that man who jumped the White House fence? There was a brief chase, but the Secret Service was able to convince President Obama to return and continue his term.

Leno: Here's how bad our nation's credit rating is right now. President Obama asked China for another loan. But they won't give it to him unless his mother-in-law co-signs.

Conan: Part of the new national debt deal includes a Super Congress committee to make some very tough fiscal decisions before Thanksgiving. The Super Congress consists of six congressmen from each party, plus Wolverine.

Letterman: Good news in all this debt talk business: Now Congress can get back to doing what it is it does best--I have no idea.

Fallon: A new study says eating healthy adds $380 to your grocery costs yearly. Or as Americans put it, ‘Cool, I saved $380 this year!’

Fallon: After countless rounds of talks and numerous compromises on both sides, finally a deal! My wife will go to ‘Cowboys & Aliens’ while I will go see ‘The Smurfs.'Smurf

Conan: The congressional budget deal would raise the debt ceiling until the year 2013. The best part--it prevents another Smurfs movie until the year 2014.

Conan: Analysts say Oprah could help Obama get the white working-class female vote. And Dr. Phil can help deliver the crucial fake doctor vote.

Conan: Ex-Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was released from prison. He said he spent most of his time in prison hanging out with other Detroit mayors.

Leno: A New Jersey Dunkin' Donuts clerk was arrested for prostitution, turning  tricks in the parking lot overnight. Police were able to crack the case after only 10 years of surveillance.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photos: Viking / Penguin (Custer); John Shearer / Getty Images (Dr. Phil); Mark Renders / Getty Images (a Smurf).

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