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Late-night jokes: Obama's new economic plan: Buy lottery tickets and hope

Carmageddon the empty 405 freeway in los angeles 7-17-11

As The Ticket's 69,000-plus Twitter followers here and 7,000 Facebook friends/fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the "Share" buttons above.

Leno: The country is edging closer to default. We could be out of money by Aug 2. I'm actually surprised we have enough money to make it to then.

Fallon: The Treasury Department is shifting from paper to electronic savings bonds next year. But don’t worry — the electronic bonds will be just as worthless as the paper ones.Tim Geithner 7-10-11

Leno: Obama's latest economic recovery plan: He told Treasury Secretary Geithner to take the little money we have left and buy lottery tickets.

Leno: Democrats warned today that if the debt limit is not raised by Aug. 2, the federal government will cease to function. How do you tell?

Letterman: So CNN has canceled the TV show of ex-Gov. Eliot Spitzer. And you have to wonder how will the poor guy spend an hour now.

Leno: CNN has canceled Eliot Spitzer's show, "In the Arena." Apparently network executives made the decision after realizing it was still on.

Fallon: Illinois schools are dropping the written parts of their standardized school tests. Asked why, a spokesman said, "We simple does not needs them."

Leno: Prince William and Kate immersed themselves in American culture so much during their U.S. visit they went home $2 trillion in debt.

Leno: So they closed down L.A.'s 405 freeway for the weekend. They have to do this every couple of years to sweep up the shell casings.

Leno: The jury found Casey Anthony not guilty of murder. Know what this means? Obama's economic team is now only the planet's second most clueless group of people.

Fallon: Two Delta planes collided the other day at the Boston airport. Passengers are OK except for having to pay Delta’s $50 collision fee.Dalai Lama 7-17-11

Letterman: That All-Star Baseball Game is something else? And the home run derby? What's more exciting than a home run that doesn't count? Next: a foul-tip derby.

Leno: Did you read about the Chinese toddler who fell 10 stories and was caught by a woman? The kid is OK. Didn't miss a day of work.

Leno: Over the weekend President Obama met with the Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama talked about the difficulty of living under China's thumb. And Obama said, "Tell me about it."

Conan: Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka Trump, gave birth to a baby girl over the weekend. The baby’s name is Trump Granddaughter and Casino.

Conan: Borders bookstore is going to be liquidated after failing to receive a single bid to buy the company. Apparently, all the potential investors who showed up just hung around inside for a while, hoping to use the bathroom.

Leno: There was so much fear about closing L.A.'s 405 freeway for a few days that even the Mexican government told its people not to cross for a few days.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photos: The closed 405 freeway in Los Angeles, Sunday. Photo credit: David McNew / Reuters. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. Photo credit: Mandel Ngan / AFP / Getty Images. The Dalai Lama on Sunday. Photo credit: Keith Hale / Associated Press.

 
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About the Columnist
A veteran foreign and national correspondent, Andrew Malcolm has served on the L.A. Times Editorial Board and was a Pulitzer finalist in 2004. He is the author of 10 nonfiction books and father of four. Read more.
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