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Late-night jokes: Great Wall of China seen as model for improved U.S. security on Mexico border

Obama checks out the Great Wall of China, file

As The Ticket's 67,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,900 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the "share" buttons above.

Fallon: Two women were arrested for stealing $600 in cheese from Whole Foods. $600 in cheese! That’s like…two pieces of cheese from Whole Foods.

Letterman: This is the anniversary of the Great Wall of China. We often say what’s the deal with these Chinese? But in all honesty, since they built the Great Wall, not one Mexican has sneaked in.

Fallon: New York City is cutting $10 million from its school cleaning budget. Some janitors have been forced to cut back to, like, 30 keys.

Conan: A new study says U.S. dads are spending twice the time with their kids as before. Experts say it's due to a sweeping trend called “unemployment.”

Leno: Congratulations to the new NBA champion Dallas Mavericks. They had a huge parade there, almost as big as the one in Cleveland.

Conan: LeBron James said the Heat's NBA finals loss feels like “a personal failure.” Then someone explained to LeBron that it is a personal failure.Cheese

Leno: Did you see the riots in Greece -- burned cars, sacked stores? Not about taxes. Just Canadian tourists still angry over Vancouver’s Stanley Cup loss.

Letterman: More signs that LeBron James is not taking the Heat's loss well. Today he demanded to see Dirk Nowitzki’s birth certificate.

Leno: Yup, the Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup. They said the key to their victory was not signing LeBron James.

Fallon: Happy Birthday to Donald Trump, born 65 years ago! Sweet. Today Obama sent him a nice Hallmark card that said, ‘Prove it.'

Conan: The good news: Congressman Anthony Weiner finally resigned. The bad news: He made the announcement shirtless on Skype.

Fallon: Sad news: 85-year-old Hugh Hefner and 25-year-old Crystal Harris called off their wedding Apparently, she wanted someone a little younger and so did he.

Leno: Today is the 40th anniversary of the War on Drugs. Our Mexican partners observed it with a moment of silence -- and then hours of laughter.

Leno: Did you see the picture of House Speaker Boehner and President Obama after their golf game? Boehner was crying over his score and Obama was giving a list of reasons why his score was better than it looks.

Fallon: The most popular Father's Day gifts this year: iPad accessories. I got my Dad a leather case, a screen protector and a new charger. If he ever gets an iPad, he's SET.

Leno: President Obama says he's not worried about a double-dip recession. He says it's just that there are not enough recovery jobs. A recovery not producing enough jobs is called a recession.

Fallon: Charlie Sheen is developing a new TV sitcom written for himself. And it's moving pretty quickly. I heard they’ve already picked the actor who’ll replace him.

Conan: Reports that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is engaged. Zuckerberg said he's excited and can’t wait to actually meet her.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photos: Charles Dharapak / Associated Press; Wisconsin Dairy.

 
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Obama late night or early morning he is always a joke! As always you can contact me at work and yes keep those jokes coming.Obamacare is so bad that the Democrats came up with a new name for it. They call it "waiversforfavors". Yes the plan of Obama's to cut gas usage by keeping unemployment high is really working! With out a job you do not have to drive much at all. I blame Bush!! and Bush sr. and all Republicans!!! and a few people I have never met that live somewhere in south east asia and and of course the industrial revolution.


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About the Columnist
A veteran foreign and national correspondent, Andrew Malcolm has served on the L.A. Times Editorial Board and was a Pulitzer finalist in 2004. He is the author of 10 nonfiction books and father of four. Read more.
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