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Late-night jokes: Seeking better advice, Obama replaces top economic advisor with Magic 8-Ball

the AFLAC Duck

As The Ticket's 67,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,900 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above. Normally, we publish these on Monday mornings.

Conan: Apple founder Steve Jobs plans a new state-of-the-art corporate headquarters. Then in six months he’ll replace it with a slightly thinner headquarters with a crappy camera.steve Jobs in a thin photo

Leno: I don’t get how Washington works. We can't see Osama bin Laden’s death photo because it’s too explicit. But a congressman’s penis is OK.

Letterman: Hey, how about this Congressman Anthony Weiner guy. Is this amazing or what? It's the worst congressional scandal all week.

Conan: Congressman Weiner now admits to having affairs with six different women on email, Twitter and Facebook. Plus today he admitted an affair with three chickens on FarmVille.

Conan: New poll finds 51% of New York voters said Congressman Weiner should keep his seat. The other 49% think he should disinfect it.

Fallon: New York lawmakers proposed a new program to teach teenagers about....

...the dangers of sexting. Seriously? How about a program to teach New York LAWMAKERS about the dangers of sexting??

Conan: One of the women Rep. Weiner was sexting is a porn star. Asked how you get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, “I don’t know."

Letterman: More bad news for Congressman Weiner today. He was fired as the voice of the AFLAC duck.

Leno: Eliot Spitzer says if Anthony Weiner resigns from Congress, he can join CNN and they'll have the Weiner-Spitzer Show.

Leno: You wonder why Congressman Weiner engages in such reckless behavior. If you want people to check your crotch, go through airport security like everyone else.

Conan: Democrats and Republicans calling for Congressman Weiner to resign. Meanwhile, latMagic 8 Balle-night comedians are calling for him to hang in there.

Leno: President Obama's top economic advisor Austan Goolsbee is being replaced by something a little more effective -- the Magic 8-Ball.

Conan: Disappointing ticket sales for the new “X-Men” movie. To boost ticket sales, producers have already announced a new mutant for the next X-men movie, “Sporadically Topless Girl.”

Fallon: First Lady Michelle Obama is taking Sasha and Malia to South Africa and Botswana. Or as Sasha and Malia call it, "NOT DISNEYWORLD!"

Conan: China begins building a new 'Hello Kitty' theme park. China is also building a 'Goodbye Doggie' cafeteria.

Fallon: Good news. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke says the economy will pick up in the second half of the year. So you know what that means -– absolutely nothing.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photos: AFLAC; Beck Diefenback / Reuters (Jobs); Magic 8-Ball.

 
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Jimmy Fallon is the funniest guy on TV, hands down.


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About the Columnist
A veteran foreign and national correspondent, Andrew Malcolm has served on the L.A. Times Editorial Board and was a Pulitzer finalist in 2004. He is the author of 10 nonfiction books and father of four. Read more.
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