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Late-night's best: Air traffic controllers, Obama's trillions, NFL replacements, Donald Trump fired?

An airport Tower View

As The Ticket's 63,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,700 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above.

O'Brien: Earlier in the week, President Obama released his 2010 tax return. Turns out, last year Obama made $1.7 million and spent $14 trillion.

O'Brien: NBC executives say if Donald Trump decides to run for president, they will not renew “The Apprentice.” So, some good may come of this.

O'Brien: President Obama participated in a town hall meeting hosted by Facebook. In other words, like everyone else in America, Obama was on Facebook when he should have been working.

Leno: An Ohio guy gets a $16-million cable bill. He calls the company to fix it. They told him....

...for another 8 he could get the NFL package.

Leno: A new report says 65 million Americans have a criminal record. So the NFL will have plenty of replacement players to choose from this fall.Jail Cells 2-11

O'Brien: President Obama in L.A. for more fundraisers. Huge traffic delays all over L.A. Tomorrow, Obama is back on the East Coast. Huge traffic delays all over L.A.

Fallon: A new study says our happiness peaks in our late 80s. Yeah, mainly because all the people who annoyed you are dead by then.

O'Brien: The FAA has suspended an air traffic controller for watching a movie while on the job. When asked why he was watching a movie on duty, the air traffic controller said, “I just couldn’t sleep.”

Fallon: This week, a message in a bottle was found in Russia, 24 years after it was written. Unfortunately, the note said, "Help - stranded with enough food for exactly 23 years."

Letterman: So Costco is now selling wedding dresses for those who think Wal-Mart apparel is a little too dressy. Trouble is, at Costco you have to buy the wedding dresses in boxes of 12.

Letterman: With all these wars going on, gas prices could be five, maybe 10 bucks a gallon. So ABC has a new show now, "Carpooling with the Stars."

O'Brien: The online dating site Match.com says it will begin screening its members against a sex offender registry. The site expects to be pervert-free by July and out of business by August.

Leno: L.A. Mayor Villaraigosa has been fined $42,000 for accepting free sports and concert tickets. It would have been more, but fortunately for the mayor Clipper games are not conGas Gaugesidered entertainment.

O'Brien: On “The Today Show,” Gary Busey said that Donald Trump would make a great president. Experts say now Trump just needs to focus on getting the endorsements of Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.

O'Brien: To celebrate the birthday of Kim Jong Il, North Korea held the biggest magic show ever. Things got out of control when the magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat and it was immediately eaten by 28 million people.

O'Brien: A new study reports that 93% of women say their armpits are unattractive. The study was conducted by the Association of Researchers Who Have Run Out of Questions to Ask Women.

Leno: After record losses, the U.S. Postal Service says it's cutting 7,500 jobs. But a post office spokesman now says those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be a fad.

Related:

Late-night's best: Obama, Osama,Oprah, Oh Biden!

Late-night's best: Obama's campaign,Yogi Bear, Glenn Beck and Kelly Ripa's waxing

Late-night's best: Hillary Clinton, Harry Houdini and Kenya on Obama's birth

Late-night's best: Libya, Libya,Zuckerberg and Libya

Late-night's best: Obama's NCAA picks, life expectancy and Al Qaeda fashion

Late-night's best: Arnold's return, Trump's trick and Michelle's diet

Late-night's best: Anne Taylor, Aretha and Kadafi's hats

Late-night's best: Kadafi loses controls, Rahm Emanuel wins control and Harry Reid on hookers 

-- Andrew Malcolm

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Does he talk?" The parrot says, "Not without a Teleprompter." Monday mornings, the best of late-night. And no need to go out; just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photos: Richard Hartog / Los Angeles Times; Gina Ferazzi / Los Angeles Times.

 
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About the Columnist
A veteran foreign and national correspondent, Andrew Malcolm has served on the L.A. Times Editorial Board and was a Pulitzer finalist in 2004. He is the author of 10 nonfiction books and father of four. Read more.
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