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Late-night's best: Obama's NCAA picks, life expectancy, a squirrel and Al Qaeda fashions

March 21, 2011 |  9:44 am

a Clown

As The Ticket's 61,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,600 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above.

Here's the usual Monday morning collection:

Fallon: A new study finds people diagnosed with depression should get a second opinion. Although ... what’s the point of anything really?president Obama with his beloved Teleprompter

Letterman: A new smallest man in the world today. He’s 22 inches tall. But he says he’s so proud, he feels 2 feet tall.

Fallon: President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or as Japan put it, 'Really?!? You’re kidding, right?'

Fallon: President Obama widely criticized for making his NCAA bracket picks on ESPN with important issues like Japan and Libya. Hearing this, Obama said ‘Was today my fantasy baseball draft too?’

Fallon: Obama tells students he was always getting into trouble in school. He talked so much the teacher took away his teleprompter.

Leno: Surprisingly, March Madness is not a big deal in the Mideast. That's because they also have February Madness, April Madness, June Madness, July Madness......

Fallon: March Madness office pools. You analyze brackets, research the....

...best teams, then lose to the girl who went with the cooler-looking mascots.

Fallon: Al Qaeda recently launched its own women’s magazine. I bought a copy, and I’ll tell you right now ... those ankles are totally airbrushed.a Squirrel

Leno: Al Qaeda launches a women's magazine with everything from fashion to terrorism advice. Unfortunately for them, women are not allowed to read it.

Letterman: Now the NFL has big troubles. You don't know if you should cheer for the greedy owners or the greedy players. But we can all agree Fox needs to can that dancing robot.

Letterman: St. Patrick’s Day is a very important day in my life. That’s the day I take down my Christmas lights.

Leno: St. Patrick's Day or, as Michele Bachmann calls it, the day we celebrate George Washington driving the snakes across the Potomac River.a Mascot husky for U Conn

Fallon: Vermont residents say a squirrel has been attacking them for weeks. The town is sure everything will be OK though because, here’s the thing: It’s a squirrel! 

Fallon: Time Warner Cable has a new app that lets customers watch live TV on iPads. To make it really feel like Time Warner Cable, it doesn’t work.

Fallon: A New Jersey school named for President Obama will close this summer because of high costs and low enrollment. The school’s new education plan, 'No Child Left.'

Leno: Some good health news tonight: Life expectancy in the U.S. is up to a record 78.2 years. The bad health news: The average age you must work before retiring? 78.3 years.

Leno: Shop Smart reports the average American woman owns 17 pairs of shoes, none of which go with the new outfit she just bought. What are the odds?

Fallon: It's crazy here in New York City. The annual World Clown Convention is in town this week. You should see the traffic out there -– there’s like, one car.

O'Brien: A British blind man has kept his seeing-eye dog even though the dog has also gone blind. The two have been missing now for three weeks.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Does he talk?" The parrot says, "Not without a Teleprompter." Monday mornings, the best of late-night. And no need to go out; just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photos: Timothy A. Clary / AFP / Getty Images (a clown); Alex Brandon / Associated Press (Obama with his ubiquitous teleprompter); Charles Bertram / MCT (a squirrel); Harry E. Walker / MCT (a college mascot).

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