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Late-night's best: Libya, Libya, Zuckerberg and Libya

an angry female commuter in Benghazi Libya

As The Ticket's 61,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,600 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above.

Here's the usual Monday morning collection:

Leno: Do you believe we're fighting three wars now? Can you imagine how many it would be if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize?

Letterman: Let’s see, we’ve got a war going in Iraq. And a war going in Afghanistan. Now a war in Libya. My God, you need brackets to track this stuff.

Letterman: Pentagon says we’ll be out of Libya in a couple of weeks. That’s good enough for me. Let me translate that for you: 10-year quagmire.

Leno: The Pentagon says we have a definite end date for the Libya war. Do you believe that? We still have troops in Germany and that’s, what, 65 years?

Leno: The Pentagon says that U.S. military involvement in Libya is limited with a defined end date. Yeah, it'll end when gas drops below $3 a gallon.

Conan: The first day of airstrikes against Libya cost more than $100 million. To put it....

...in Moammar Kadafi terms, that's five private Beyoncé concerts.

Fallon: President Obama cut his Latin America trip short by a few hours because of Libya. So to those saying Obama doesn’t care about Libya, you're wrong. He cares three hours worth.

Letterman: So, we've got a war going in Iraq, war going in Afghanistan, now a war going in Libya. You've heard of theater ofObama Toasts in Chile 3-21-11 war? Well, this is a multiplex!

Leno: President Obama promises aid to help Libyans achieve their economic dreams. And if it works over there, he may try it back here.

Conan: They announced the official name of the U.S. military action in Libya. It’s called “Odyssey Dawn.” This is the first U.S. military action ever to be named by Crabtree & Evelyn.

Letterman: In Libya they had air raids and they went in with fighters and missiles and the bombers. They destroyed Kadafi's tent. I mean, afterward, it looked like a Charlie Sheen hotel room.

Leno: Actually, it seems right now we know more about President Obama's NCAA picks than we do about his Libya plan.

Fallon: Everyone’s following March Madness. But we've had no games for days. It’s so boring that President Obama says he actually wants to focus on Libya and Japan.

Conan: The big problem in Libya is telling pro-Kadafi forces apart from anti-Kadafi forces. So now the U.N. has passed another resolution for the war to be conducted as “Shirts vs. Skins.”sally field as the Flying Nun

Conan: At a news conference with President Obama, the president of Chile said, “I think the first lady of the U.S. is very good-looking.”  So now, we're also at war with Chile.

Leno: I don’t want to say President Obama is slow to react, but down in Chile this week he offered to help rescue those trapped miners.

Conan: Some Boston nuns are suing the archdiocese to get their pension funds. As someone who was once taught by Boston nuns, I say -- GIVE THEM WHATEVER THEY WANT! 

Conan: Tiger Woods has a new girlfriend, and she’s 22 years old. Friends describe her as "outgoing" and "not someone who follows the news."

Fallon: Have you noticed? Mark Zuckerberg changed his Facebook relationship status to "in a relationship." And that girl just changed her relationship status to "cha-ching!"

Conan: There was an essay question on this year's SAT test asking students to write about reality television. In a related story, China has won.

RELATED:

Late-night's best: Obama's NCAA picks, life expectancy and Al Qaeda fashion

Late-night's best: Arnold's return, Trump's trick and Michelle's diet

Late-night's best: Anne Taylor, Aretha and Kadafi's hats

Late-night's best: Kadafi loses controls, Rahm Emanuel wins control and Harry Reid on hookers 

Late-night's best: The Kardashians, Twitter, Home Depot and a 1 HP Lamborghini

Late-night's best: Valentine burgers, heartache for Hosni and Facebook hookers

Late-night's best: Al Gore, Hillary Clinton, snowstorms, Joe B. and Hosni M.

-- Andrew Malcolm

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Does he talk?" The parrot says, "Not without a Teleprompter." Monday mornings, the best of late-night. And no need to go out; just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photos: Goran Tomasevic / Reuters (impatient commuter in Benghazi); Pablo Martinez Monsivais / Associated Press (Obama toast in Chile); ABC-TV.

 
Comments () | Archives (4)

The comments to this entry are closed.

Obama and Hillary, the warmongers.

I like the Parrot Joke! It fits Obama to an "O"

Frank Morgan of Newhall, CA USA

Obama, you were elected president of the USA. When will you focus on this country's budget and ailing economy? No one knows for sure who the rebels in Libya are. Who's going to pay for this war?

Good post! Khadafy must be brought to justice


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About the Columnist
A veteran foreign and national correspondent, Andrew Malcolm has served on the L.A. Times Editorial Board and was a Pulitzer finalist in 2004. He is the author of 10 nonfiction books and father of four. Read more.
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