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Late-night's best: Arnold returns, Trump's trick, Obama's call and Michelle's diet

Arnold hunts pols

As The Ticket's 60,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,600 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above.

Here's the usual Monday morning collection:

Fallon: A Russian airline now has clowns and musicians performing in-flight. 'Cause with crowds and crying babies my first thought is, there should be clowns here.

O'Brien: Arnold Schwarzenegger is returning to the movies. In a 'Terminator' sequel he'll travel back in time to kill the person who suggested he run for governor.

O'Brien: According to Forbes magazine, the richest man in the world is now a man from Mexico. He’s Oprah’s gardener.

O'Brien: Donald Trump denies pretending to run for president just to gain publicity for his TV show. Trump said:....

...'Anyone who says that is clearly an "apprentice" deserving to be "fired" Thursdays at 9 (8 Central).

O'Brien: In FloridaThe Trumps Donald and Melania, a man was arrested for allegedly trapping a girlfriend’s mother inside a foldout couch. The man could face a year in prison and a lifetime of high-fives.

O'Brien: Charlie Sheen is looking for a college intern. It will be the first such internship where the student actually LOSES college credits.

O'Brien: President Obama phoned the crew of the space shuttle Discovery during its last flight. He told them, 'You are not going to believe what's happening with Charlie Sheen down here.'

Fallon: A new study finds sheep are much smarter than we thought. Turns out this whole time they’ve been counting US!

Fallon: Remember that huge sports news when the New York Knicks got Carmelo Anthony from Denver for NINE players? That explains their new name: The New York Knick.

Letterman: Baseball spring training is underway. The Yankees had an intra-squad game for 2 1/2 hrs. But don't worry They'll have that up to five or six hours by April.

Fallon: A year ago, Michelle Obama announced her plan to fight childhood obesity, 'Let’s Move.’ I think Americans have pretty cleMichelle Obama Hula Hoops for healtharly announced their answer: No!

Leno: Chevrolet is coming out with a new feature so you can update your Facebook page right from the car. Finally. It's so boring to just text and talk while driving.

Fallon: More tech news. Sprint plans a two-screen phone called the Echo. It’s nice. One screen is for you. The other displays an apology to the person you’re eating dinner with.

O'Brien: Virgin Air fired a flight attendant for placing a baby in the plane’s overhead compartment. In the flight attendant’s defense, that baby did not fit under the seat.

Fallon: Russia's navy gets a new submarine that's been under construction since 1993. You can tell it's old -- on the stern is a sticker that says, 'Whoomp! There It Is!'

Letterman: These New York City potholes are amazing! One on Eighth Ave has a scenic overlook. Teenagers go there to neck. It's so deep, gravity and light disappear. 

RELATED:

Late-night's best: Anne Taylor, Aretha and Kadafi's hats

Late-night's best: Kadafi loses controls, Rahm Emanuel wins control & Harry Reid on hookers 

Late-night's best: The Kardashians, Twitter, Home Depot and a 1 HP Lamborghini

Late-night's best: Valentine burgers, heartache for Hosni and Facebook hookers

Late-night's best: Al Gore, Hillary Clinton, snowstorms, Joe B. and Hosni M.

Late-night's best: Egypt, Oprah, Disney and Zuckerberg

Late-night's best: Hu, Obama and Regis

-- Andrew Malcolm

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Does he talk?" The parrot says, "Not without a Teleprompter." Monday mornings, the best of late-night. And no need to go out; just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photos: Andrew H. Walker / Getty Images (Donald and Melania Trump); Associated Press.

 
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About the Columnist
A veteran foreign and national correspondent, Andrew Malcolm has served on the L.A. Times Editorial Board and was a Pulitzer finalist in 2004. He is the author of 10 nonfiction books and father of four. Read more.
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