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Late-night's best: Anne Taylor, Aretha and Kadafi's hats and one Mexican's legal U.S. visit

Kadafi Gadaffi goes with the gold ringed beret on this day

As The Ticket's 60,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,600 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above.

Here's the regular Monday morning collection from the previous week:

Fallon: A new survey reports women spend eight years of their lives shopping. Which means men spend six years on a bench outside Anne Taylor.Mexican president Felipe Calderon in Washington 3-3-11

Leno: Mexico's president, Felipe Calderón, arrived in the United States this week. So he can speak to the Mexican people.

Fallon: Mexico's president wants more American tourists to go there.  He explains their new tourism slogan:  "Mexico. Come to us or we’ll come to you!"

Leno: Oops! Texas Gov. Rick Perry says Juarez, Mexico, is the "most dangerous city in America." He just assumed Juarez is American because so many Mexicans live there.

Letterman: Libya's Kadafi was fun when he started out, you know. He’d stop by for....

... a few laughs, tell some good stories. But now he’s talking all crazy. Al Jazeera even canceled his show "Two and a Half Shiites."Aretha Franklin singing in a large hat

Letterman: And this Moammar Kadafi guy. Boy, he's nuts. Have you seen this guy? Hey, Aretha Franklin called. She wants her hat back.

Conan: State Department officials are calling Moammar Kadafi “disconnected from reality.” In fact, according to the State Department, Kadafi thought this year’s Oscars were fantastic.

Letterman: So did you see the Academy Awards? Great to see Oprah back. She gave everyone in the audience an Oscar.

Conan: The Oscars show got panned as boring and long. But one highlight was a presentation by 94-year-old Kirk Douglas. When the telecast began, he was only 89.

Conan: The new Egyptian government has invited Oprah to do her show from Cairo. So, they replace one power-mad tyrant who’s been in power for 30 years with another.

Conan: Justin Bieber got a haircut, donated his famous bangs to charity. Upon receiving the bangs, the people of Darfur said, “Umm, thanks?”

Fallon: So happy birthday, Justin Bieber, 17 years old. Exciting. He’s finally old enough for his parents to move out of his house.

the Bat SignalLetterman: New York City's crime rate is skyrocketing. 500 murders! It's so bad that every night this week I've seen the bat signal.

Letterman: So Mayor Bloomberg bans outdoor smoking in New York City. Gun smoke? No problem. Radioactive steam? No problem. Street guy roasting a goat on the corner? No problem. Toxic meth fumes? No problem.

Letterman: Mayor Bloomberg is now also trying to make it easier for foreign models to work here. A top  priority of his. Because what we need is more women you have no chance with.

Conan: Charlie Sheen’s publicist has resigned. I don’t know about you, but I’m excited to see what Charlie’s like now that he’s free to say whatever he wants.

Letterman: So, now Charlie Sheen is offering advice to Lindsay Lohan. That's as bad as Lindsay Lohan offering advice to Charlie Sheen.

Conan: Congress sends President Obama a spending bill to keep the federal government going for two more weeks. So our government has the financial-planning skills of a college sophomore.

Fallon: Costco is now selling designer wedding dresses for 40% less than fancy boutiques. It's the usual Costco deal -- "I wasn’t planning on marriage, but hey … 40 % OFF!"

Leno: The price of gas near my house went up to $4.50 today. And that was while I was pumping. It started at $3.85.

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Late-night's best: The Kardashians, Twitter, Home Depot and a 1 HP Lamborghini

Late-night's best: Valentine burgers, heartache for Hosni and Facebook hookers

Late-night's best: Al Gore, Hillary Clinton, snowstorms, Joe B. and Hosni M.

Late-night's best: Egypt, Oprah, Disney and Zuckerberg

Late-night's best: Hu, Obama and Regis

Late-night's best: Golden Globes, Swiss dogs, Turbo Tax phone app

-- Andrew Malcolm

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Does he talk?" The parrot says, "Not without a Teleprompter." Monday mornings, the best of late-night. And no need to go out; just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photos: Reuters; Alex Wong / Getty Images (Calderón); Ron Edmonds / Associated Press (Aretha Franklin singing); DC Comics

 
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About the Columnist
A veteran foreign and national correspondent, Andrew Malcolm has served on the L.A. Times Editorial Board and was a Pulitzer finalist in 2004. He is the author of 10 nonfiction books and father of four. Read more.
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