Opinion: Late-night’s best: Valentine burgers, heartache for Hosni, Facebook hookers and a pork-loving beauty
This article was originally on a blog post platform and may be missing photos, graphics or links. See About archive blog posts.
As The Ticket’s 58,700-plus Twitter followers here and 6,500 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the share buttons above. Here’s the regular Monday morning collection from the previous week:
Leno: In Iran, you know, it’s a crime to buy flowers for Valentine’s Day. It’s too Western. As opposed to the U.S. where the crime is what they charge for roses.
Conan: The White Castle fast-food chain has been taking reservations for Valentine’s Day. The perfect place to take that special lady you never want to see again.
Leno: As you know, 84-year-old Hugh Hefner is marrying his 24-year-old girlfriend, Crystal Harris. If you are buying them a gift, they’re registered at Bed, Bath & Almost Gone.
Leno: Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak was expected to resign. But instead he announced he’s going to do rehab at home like Charlie Sheen.
Leno: Wow, this Egyptian news is big. President Hosni Mubarak didn’t not want to retire. Turns out, Hosni Mubarak in ancient Egyptian means ‘Brett Favre.’
Leno: President Mubarak is really steamed about being forced out in Egypt while the Cleveland Cavaliers coach gets to stay.
Conan: Prince William’s best friend and nightclub owner, Guy Pelly, is said to be planning a wild bachelor party. It’s gotta be weird though, stuffing money into a stripper’s bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it.
Leno: So Keith Olbermann has a new job with Al Gore’s Current TV channel. Keith’s first assignment is to find anyone who watches Current TV.
Leno: Keith Olbermann joins Al Gore’s Current....
...cable channel. Don’t want to say the audience is small but each night Keith will open with: ‘Good evening, Al.’ Letterman: More trouble for Christina Aguilera, who messed up the Super Bowl National Anthem. Now Republicans want to see her birth certificate.
Letterman: President Obama’s Super Bowl party menu was beer, cheeseburgers, deep-dish pizza, buffalo wings, ice cream. Yes, lighter fare this year. And all from Michelle’s garden.
Letterman: Did you know the Super Bowl pregame show is still going on? But this year they had no commercials with Betty White. Seems the NFL banned her for dogfighting.
Letterman: I tell you those Wisconsin Packer folks haven’t been this excited since they invented aerosol Velveeta.
Conan: President Obama called to congratulate the Green Bay coach for his Super Bowl win. Then Obama met with victims of the Black Eyed Peas halftime show.
Conan: A new survey says 83% of prostitutes have Facebook pages. You can tell the prostitutes’ pages. For Relationship Status they say: “It’s Simple.”
Letterman: Now Lindsay Lohan is on trial for stealing a necklace. Today she took the stand. Not to testify. She just took it.
Fallon: They’re killing the ‘Guitar Hero’ video game. It just means I’ll have more time to play my new favorite video game: ‘Grand Theft Lohan.’
Conan: A Texas beauty contest is trying to retrieve the newest queen’s crown because she’s put on too much weight. You could have seen this coming. Her pageant talent was ‘eating ham.’
Conan: An Italian art expert says the Mona Lisa is actually a portrait of Leonardo DaVinci’s male lover. This could explain the painting’s original title: The Mona Larry.’
Fallon: President Obama announces his plans to build a $53-billion network of high-speed trains all across the U.S. It makes Obama the favorite to win the presidential election -- of 1836.
RELATED:
Late-night’s best: Al Gore, Hillary Clinton, snowstorms, Joe B. and Hosni M.
Late-night’s best: Egypt, Oprah, Disney and Hillary
Late-night’s best: Hu, Regis and Obama
Late-night’s best: Golden Globes, Turbo Tax phone app, Swiss dogs
Late-night jokes: Napolitano says Homeland Security on guard most days
Late-night jokes: Sarah Palin, TSA hands, Oprah and Charlie Brown
Late night’s best: Rand Paul, Wal-Mart and TSA pat-downs
-- Andrew Malcolm
Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says, ‘Does he talk?’ Parrot says, ‘Not without a Teleprompter.’ Monday mornings, the best of late-night. And no need to go out, just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We’re also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.