Top of the Ticket

Political commentary from Andrew Malcolm

« Previous Post | Top of the Ticket Home | Next Post »

Late-night's best: Kadafi loses control, Rahm Emanuel's premature victory, Harry Reid on hookers

Kadafi Gadaffi Gadafi greets a happy president Obama in 2009

As The Ticket's 59,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,500 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above.

Here's the regular Monday morning collection from the previous week:

Jimmy Fallon: The National Geographic Channel has a new show, an inside look at the Secret Service. It's called "Ruining the Whole Point of the Secret Service." Rahm Emanuel is a happy Chicago pol

Conan O'Brien: Rahm Emanuel wins the Chicago mayoral election. In keeping with Chicago tradition, his victory was announced two weeks ago.

Jay Leno: Congratulations to President Obama’s former aide Rahm Emanuel, elected mayor of Chicago with more than 120% of the vote.

Fallon: Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid wants to outlaw prostitution back in Nevada. Says he wants to keep prostitution where it belongs -- Washington.

David Letterman: Obama plans a $3.7-trillion federal budget? That's not a budget. That's a Tiger Woods pre-nup. What's the deal? Are the feds buying everything from the mini-bar?

Letterman: History note: Remember that story about Abe Lincoln walking three miles to ...

... repay a penny? That makes him the last president to do anything about the debt.Donald Trump is happy too at Sunday's Oscars 2-27-11

O'Brien: A new poll says Donald Trump could beat President Obama in 2012. The poll was taken by a top world polling company, Trump Polls International.

Leno: Big announcement today: South Dakota Sen. John Thune said he will not run for president. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "Who?"

Fallon: Obama names AOL founder Steve Case to a White House jobs council. Hiring the AOL founder is very expensive. But Obama got a CD-ROM in the mail offering 100 free hours.

O'Brien: Yemen's president says he has no plans to resign. His exact words, “The Oscars are Sunday. I’ve got a palace wide-screen. You do the math.”

O'Brien: The U.S. Embassy is evacuating all remaining Americans from Libya. The mission is called "Operation What the Hell Are You Still Doing in Libya?”

Leno: News reports say that Libya’s Kadafi controls only a small portion of the country. That's like being mayor of Detroit.a World of Warcraft Logo

Letterman: It's so cold in New York I’m shaking like a Middle Eastern dictator. This Kadafi. Doesn't he look like the kinda guy who doesn’t get buzzed into a jewelry store?

Leno: Oil now costs over $100 a barrel. And with all the uncertainty in Wisconsin, Cheez Whiz is up to $80 a barrel.

O'Brien: China gets a "World of Warcraft" theme park. Because for true thrill-seekers, nothing beats the terror of riding a rollercoaster built by children.

Fallon: ChinaLarry King with someone in a lowcut dress and wedding ring, file is building a theme park based on the "World of Warcraft" video game. Unfortunately, each rollercoaster has a sign: "You must be this single to go on this ride."

O'Brien: Larry King says this spring he will go on a national stand-up comedy tour. It's going to be called the “Almost Deaf Comedy Jam.”

Fallon: In Larry King's one-man road show, the audience will get to ask him questions. The No. 1 question he'll get is, "Why are you standing in my yard?"

Leno: In Pennsylvania, someone wrapped like a mummy robbed a convenience store. Police are looking for an Egyptian man between 19 and 5,000 years old.

O'Brien: Texas college students may soon have the right to carry guns on campus. Next semester, I guess every Texas college student will get straight A's.

Letterman: So 84-year-old Hugh Hefner is marrying his 24-year-old girlfriend in August. They've decided to have an open-casket wedding. 

RELATED:

Late-night's best: The Kardashians, Twitter, Home Depot and a 1 HP Lamborghini

Late-night's best: Valentine burgers, heartache for Hosni and Facebook hookers

Late-night's best: Al Gore, Hillary Clinton, snowstorms, Joe B. and Hosni M.

Late-night's best: Egypt, Oprah, Disney and Zuckerberg

Late-night's best: Hu, Obama and Regis

Late-night's best: Golden Globes, Swiss dogs, Turbo Tax phone app

-- Andrew Malcolm

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Does he talk?" The parrot says, "Not without a Teleprompter." Monday mornings, the best of late-night. And no need to go out; just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photos: (from top)

President Barack Obama greets Moammar Kadafi in July 2009. Credit: Reuters

Chicago's new mayor, Rahm Emanuel. Credit: Daniel Boczarski / Getty Images

Donald Trump at Sunday's Academy Awards. Credit: Ethan Miller / Getty Images

Larry King. Credit: Phil McCarten / Reuters

 
Comments () | Archives (0)

The comments to this entry are closed.


Connect

Recommended on Facebook


Advertisement

In Case You Missed It...

About the Columnist
A veteran foreign and national correspondent, Andrew Malcolm has served on the L.A. Times Editorial Board and was a Pulitzer finalist in 2004. He is the author of 10 nonfiction books and father of four. Read more.
President Obama
Republican Politics
Democratic Politics


Categories


Archives
 



Get Alerts on Your Mobile Phone

Sign me up for the following lists: