Late-night's best: The Kardashian$, Twitter, Home Depot, bankrupt Borders and a 1 HP Lamborghini
As The Ticket's 58,900-plus Twitter followers here and 6,500 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the share buttons above.
Here's the regular Monday morning collection from the previous week:
Leno: This week is the 40th anniversary of the war on drugs. Our partner Mexicans had a moment of silence and then hours of laughter.
Conan: President Obama met with Facebook's founder, Mark Zuckerberg, today. The good news is he can create new jobs. The bad news is, they're all in Farmville.
Leno: So Facebook is thinking of buying Twitter for $10 billion to combine the two companies into the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen.
"SNL": Current TV. If you're not familiar with Current TV, it's a channel founded by Al Gore. If you are familiar with Current TV, congratulations on being Al Gore.
Conan: Reports today that last year the Kardashian sisters made....
Fallon: The Kardashian family reportedly made $65 million in 2010. Just shows you that hard work and focus are clearly not necessary to make $65 million.
Conan: Celebrity Khloe Kardashian and husband Los Angeles Laker Lamar Odom are coming out with a new cologne. The cologne is called “One of Us Has a Skill.”
Conan: An Ohio man may be the Amish Bernie Madoff. He allegedly swindled millions from Amish families. People grew suspicious when they saw his horse pulling a Lamborghini.
Fallon: Big music news. Paris Hilton reveals that she's releasing a new album in the next few months. Man, I can wait to hear that.
Leno: Paris Hilton's second album will be out soon, which is strange. Because she still hasn’t apologized for the first one.
Fallon: A Japanese company plans the world’s first marathon for robots. I'm not sure who’s gonna win, but my money’s on the robot from Kenya.
Conan: So, Borders Books is declaring bankruptcy. I don’t know how this happened, but I learned about it while reading a magazine in Borders Books that I had no intention of buying.
Conan: The Borders Books bankruptcy means its creditors can't collect their debts. But they can duck in and use the store bathrooms anytime.
Leno: Michelle Obama said she expected jewelry for Valentine's Day but nothing extravagant. She says the president is very responsible when spending his own money.
Leno: Home Depot anticipates a home-improvement rush and will hire 60,000 seasonal workers this spring, 50,000 from their own parking lots.
Fallon: A new study finds that kids who work more than 20 hours a week at a job are more likely to get bad grades. On the other hand, China.
Conan: The first-ever Chinese dog was a Westminster dog show finalist. The Chinese dog lists his proudest accomplishment: "Not being eaten."
Letterman: Baseball training camps are starting now. Pitchers and catchers report today. Infielders tomorrow. And Hollywood girlfriends on Wednesday.
Late-night's best: Valentine burgers, heartache for Hosni and Facebook hookers
Late-night's best: Al Gore, Hillary Clinton, snowstorms, Joe B. and Hosni M.
Late-night's best: Egypt, Oprah, Disney and Hillary
Late-night's best: Hu, Regis and Obama
Late-night's best: Golden Globes, Turbo Tax phone app, Swiss dogs
Late-night jokes: Napolitano says Homeland Security on guard most days
Late-night jokes: Sarah Palin, TSA hands, Oprah and Charlie Brown
Late night's best: Rand Paul, Wal-Mart and TSA pat-downs
-- Andrew Malcolm
Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says, "Does he talk?" Parrot says, "Not without a Teleprompter." Monday mornings, the best of late-night. And no need to go out, just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.
Photos, from top: Lamborghini -- horse not shown. Credit: Robert Gauthier / Los Angeles Times. Kourney, Khloe and Kim Kardashian. Credit: Danny Moloshok / Reuters. Pasadena's Borders Books. Credit: Ringo H. W. Chiu / For the Los Angeles Times