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Late-night's best: Napolitano says Homeland Security on guard almost every day; Obama's gift for Hu Jintao

December 27, 2010 |  7:14 am

Homeland Security Secy Janet Napolitano praying at news conference 12-14-10

As The Ticket's 55,900 Twitter followers here and 6,400+ Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Here's the usual Monday morning collection:

Leno: Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano says her department is working 24/7 364 days a year to protect the United States. Uh....

Conan: New dog owner survey -- 70% give their dog Christmas presents. The most popular pet gift is a plastic bone. The least popular = a Michael Vick jersey.

Fallon: Madame Tussaud's has a new gallery of all 44 U.S. presidents in wax. Obama’s was so real that Joe Biden spent an hour telling him about his weekend.

Fallon: China's President Hu Jintao turns 68. President Obama was....

...going to get him a nice gift. But it's a little awkward buying someone a gift with their own money.

Conan: A German airport recently hired clowns to entertain grumpy passengers whose flights had been delayed. None of the clowns survived.

Letterman: This week was the actual anniversary of the pilgrims' landing on Plymouth Rock. They had a very tough sea voyage. Crude living conditions. And then that first winter they lost everything at an Indian casino.

Conan: The U.S. Senate votes to allow gay soldiers in the military. Great news for gays. Bad news for straight troops planning to say they were gay to get out.

Leno: President Obama read his new children’s book to a school class. But it didn’t go well. Fifty-four percent of the kids disapproved and 83% felt tDemocrat Barack Obama enjoying a good pre-election laughhe story line was headed in the wrong direction

Conan: A new study reports that having casual sex does not kill your chances of having a warm, fulfilling, long-term relationship with that person. The study was published by the Institute of Guys.

Leno: A 103-year-old woman is the oldest Facebook user. She believes you're never too old to waste the little time you have left.

Leno: Congratulations to singer Shania Twain. She's engaged now to the ex-husband of the woman her own husband left her for. Now, that's the ultimate re-gifting.

Conan: One of the most popular TV shows in Afghanistan now is a police drama. The show is called, “Murder, She Wasn’t Permitted to Write.”

Conan: Jennifer Lopez’s ex-husband is trying to release a sex tape he made of the two of them. Jennifer Lopez says she plans to keep people from seeing the movie by promoting it heavily.

Letterman: Two new WikiLeaks shockers: Ricky Martin is gay. Also apparently China is trying to censor the Internet. Wow, that's not the China I know.

Conan: Sad news tonight about American education: A new study finds that U.S. teens rank 25th on a global math test out of 34 countries. When they heard this, American teens said, “Like there's 34 countries?”

Fallon: So the 2012 Ford Focus can be upholstered in denim. One problem, people keep ordering a car one size too small, hoping eventually they'll fit.

Conan: Time Warner Cable is testing a new premium service that sets a specific time for the cable installer to arrive at your home. You have a choice of two times: “Winter” or “Spring.”

Related Items:

Late-night jokes No. 9: Micael Vick, Mike Bloomberg, JibJab Annual Review

Late-night jokes No. 8: Sarah Palin, TSA hands, Oprah and Charlie Brown

Late-night's best jokes No. 7: WikiLeaks, Karzai, Starbuck's and Justin Bieber

Late-night's best No. 6: Rand Paul, Wal-Mart and TSA pat-downs

Late-night joke collection No. 5: Charlie Rangel and Levi Johnston

Late-night joke collection No. 4: Oprah, Obama, Bush, Pelosi and Biden

Late-night joke collection No. 3: Betty White and Jerry Brown

-- Andrew Malcolm

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says, "Does he talk?" Parrot says, "Not without a Teleprompter." Every Monday morning, the best of late-night. And no need to go out, just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photo: Associated Press; Larry Downing / Reuters.

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