Top of the Ticket

Political commentary from the LA Times

« Previous Post | Top of the Ticket Home | Next Post »

Late-night jokes: Michael Vick, Michael Bloomberg, Jon Bon Jovi; Plus JibJab annual news review

December 20, 2010 |  7:08 am
Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

As The Ticket's 55,700 Twitter followers here and 6,400+ Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Here's our regular Monday morning collection No. 9:

SNL: The Senate repealed 'don’t ask, don’t tell' in a landmark vote. Sixty-five Senators voted 'yea' and 31 senators voted 'I'm old.'

Leno: Intelligence reports indicate possible Al Qaeda attacks at Christmas. The U.S. government warns Al Qaeda that the correct term is 'holiday attacks.'

Fallon: Only a few days left to finish Christmas shopping. Or as guys look at it, ‘There's still a few days left to finish Christmas shopping!’Bo Obama

Letterman: Last week was the deadline for mailing holiday packages. You had to mail them by then if you want to ensure they’re lost in time for Christmas.

Letterman: It's crazy out there. Have you been Christmas shopping? I went to Macy's. I had to travel standby on the escalator.

Fallon: The Obamas had Bo sign their Christmas card with a paw print. Bo only agreed if Obama promised to extend the Bush-era treats policy.

Leno: I grew up in New England. L.A. is very different at the holidays. Last night carolers came to my door. Nice. But then I realized they were lip-syncing.

Fallon: Some LAX TSA officers have formed a holiday choir singing for....

...holiday travelers. New classics like: 'I Saw Mommy Frisking Santa Claus' and 'Do You Feel What I Feel?'

Leno: Israel shot down a mysterious object flying near a nuclear reactor. Wow, how things have changed. Two-thousand years ago, if there was a bright object in the sky, people followed it. Today, they shoot it down.

Fallon: A Texas family says a thief broke in and stole their dog and all of their Christmas gifts. Yeah, right. That's exactly what the dog wants them to think.

Leno: Starting this week, its legal to carry guns onto Amtrak trains. Finally, you can fire back on the way through Newark.

jon Bon joviConan: In an interview, Michael Vick says owning a dog would really help his rehabilitation. Hearing this, dogs everywhere said, 'We’re good.'

Conan: President Obama appoints Jon Bon Jovi to the White House Council on Community Problems. No real reason. Obama just thought it would be fun to say, 'Get Bon Jovi on it.'

Conan: An old internet dating profile of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was posted online. Assange was furious, saying Some things shud be private!

Conan: Wikileaks editor Julian Assange was granted bail by a London court.  At a press conference, Assange said he will not be silenced and then told everyone who their Secret Santa is.

Conan: Some of the Wikileaks information coming out is actually encouraging. The airing of American TV in the Middle East is helping to stop Islamic extremism. Apparently, would-be terrorists watch our reality shows and realize that they’ve already won.

Letterman: So now this WikiLeaks Julian Assange guy has leaked 200,000 letters to Santa. And Barbara Walters wants to know if he's lesbian.

Conan: Time Magazine names Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg Person of the Year. Zuckerber said it's a big honor, then asked, 'What’s a magazine?'

Letterman: New York City Mayor Bloomberg says he is not going to run for president. He was born in Kenya and he can’t find his birth certificate.

Fallon: Michelle Obama was at a school talking about childhood obesity. She said it's both an economic and a national security threat. Pretty awkward 'cause she said that to one chubby kid.

Fallon: Did you see this? President Obama showed up 20 minutes late for a news conference. That's the longest he's kept people waiting. Well, unless you count the past two years.
Tim Geithner

Leno: Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner is out of the hospital after treatment for a kidney stone. He says he's recovering. Of course, that's what he said about the economy too.

Conan: Ukraine is going to open its nuclear meltdown Chernobyl site to tourists next year. They say it's like going to Disneyland except the 6-foot mouse is real.

 Letterman: Bear hunting season opens in New Jersey. That's a real tough place. The bears shoot back in Jersey. And hunters make the bear dig his own grave before whacking him.

Fallon: Southwest Airlines could soon have international flights. Which may answer the age-old question: What's it like to take a bus across the Atlantic?

SNL: Archaeologists in China have discovered a 2,400-year-old pot of soup. So, apparently, even the ancient Chinese had trouble throwing out leftover Chinese.

SNL: President Obama says the U.S. is on track to achieve its goals in Afghanistan, but gains are fragile and reversible. That may be true, but it sure makes for a crappy banner.

Leno: Obama met with Indian tribal leaders. They named him 'Dances with Republicans.' Things are so bad though that Obama offered to give the country back for a stake in their casino.

Letterman: So now Mrs. Tiger Woods is dating a guy. She's beautiful. She's wealthy. So, how does she possibly find a guy?

Fallon: New census data says Falls Church, Va., is the best-educated area in U.S. I tried to find out how New York City did, but I couldn’t find anyone who knowed.

SNL: A Massachusetts student pled guilty to falsifying his academic records to get into Harvard. My sources say he was sentenced to four years at Cornell.

Conan: The United Nations has voted to lift trade sanctions it imposed on Iraq in 1990.  Residents of Iraq are excited – and say they can’t wait to get the new Boyz II Men album.

Related:

Late-night jokes No. 8: Sarah Palin, TSA hands, Oprah and Charlie Brown

Late-night's best jokes No. 7: WikiLeaks, Karzai, Starbuck's and Justin Bieber

Late-night's best No. 6: Rand Paul, Wal-Mart and TSA pat-downs

Late-night joke collection No. 5: Charlie Rangel and Levi Johnston

Late-night joke collection No. 4: Oprah, Obama, Bush, Pelosi and Biden

Late-night joke collection No. 3: Betty White and Jerry Brown

Late-night joke collection No. 2: Joe Biden, NPR, Osama bin Laden and Charlie

Late-night joke collection: No. 1

-- Andrew Malcolm

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says, "Does he talk?" Parrot says, "Not without a Teleprompter." Every Monday morning, the best of late-night. And no need to go out, just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photos: Reuters; Getty Images; Alex Wong / Getty Images.

Comments 

Advertisement










Video