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Late-night's best: Will Obama pardon Rangel or the turkey? Levi Johnston bans interviews. Plus Oprah

November 22, 2010 |  7:24 am

Prince William and Kate Middleton of Britain

As The Ticket's 54,600 Twitter followers here and 6,300+ Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Here's our regular Monday morning collection No. 5:

Fallon: What is going on these days? George W. Bush writes a 500-page memoir and Obama publishes a kids coloring book.

Leno: Facebook launches the next-generation messaging system -- a combination of IM, text and e-mail designed to ensure that nothing gets done at any workplace ever again.

Leno: Tough decision for President Obama this week: Pardon the turkey or Democratic Rep. Charlie Rangel.

Leno: House Democrats just elected Nancy Pelosi as their minority leader for the new Congress. Why mess with success, right?

Conan: Congressional Democrats push for $12 billion in additional....

...unemployment benefits. They say they can’t turn their backs on those who until two weeks ago were House Democrats.

Fallon: New plan out to cover $6 trillion of the nation's debt. First, look at all the spending for the past five years. Then, ask China for $6 trillion more.

Conan: Donald Trump wants to know if people think he should run for president. So his folks launched a website called shouldtrumprun.com. Americans have responded with their own website, no.com

Conan: Oprah Winfrey is reportedly considering buying a property in New Jersey. The property is called, “New Jersey.”

Letterman: Another British royal wedding. Prince William and Kate. They made the announcement on a one-hour ESPN special. No date set yet for the divorce.

SNL: The first ever Starbucks at sea opened this week on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship. And somehow there's already a homeless guy in the bathroom.

Conan: Levi Johnston says he’s not going to do any more interviews. Says he’s already used all the words he knows.

Fallon: Experts announce a new plan to slash the deficit by $6 trillion. All we have to do is switch from regular light bulbs to not having a federal government.

Leno: Happy Birthday to Joe Biden. President Obama got him a gag gift. No, not a funny gift. A real gag.

Fallon: President Obama over in Portugal the other day pointed out to his hosts that his dog, Bo, is a Portuguese Water Dog. Yeah, that’s a good way to make friends: ‘Hey, you know who’s just like you people? My DOG.’

Letterman: New study oDemocrat president Barack Obama enjoys a large laugh before the recent midterm elections 10-31-10n marriage finds diminishing interest in marriage, mostly among married people.

Letterman: Tiger Woods on Twitter now, says he wants to reconnect with his fans. So, he’ll be up in Room 436.

Fallon: GM wants to thank all who made its recovery possible: Toyota's brakes, Toyota's steering and Toyota's accelerators.

Fallon: AAA says 42 million Americans will travel over the Thanksgiving holiday. Also, 30 million of them won’t be talking by the time they get there.

Letterman: A new wrinkle this year for Wal-Mart's midnight store openings on Thanksgiving Friday: They've added bulls to the run.

Leno: A rough week for President Obama. He's gotta pardon a turkey, deal with a lame duck Congress, eat crow and China flipped him the bird over currency.

Letterman: So they put up this year's Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. For tourists, it'll be there til early January or until it's stolen.

Letterman: Any out-of-towners here tonight? A new poll says visitors find New Yorkers unfriendly. Yeh, well, bite me!

Letterman: In these times you know you're having a bad day when your body scan at the airport gets the guards laughing.

Leno: Reports of wild turkeys terrorizing Staten Island residents. Experts predict the problem will be solved by Thursday.

Fallon: Senior Olympics in California -- 90% of the athletes tested positive for Ensure. And the Chinese gymnasts who claimed to be 90? Turned out they were only 86.

Conan: A cruise line is now offering a so-called, “Cougar Cruise” for women in their 40s and 50s and much younger men. The cruise will get underway as soon as a man signs up.

Conan: I've always dreamed of being on a late-night show on basic cable ever since I was 46. But we are already tops in a key TBS demographic: People who can't afford HBO.

SNL: A new magazine study lists Charleston, SC, first in friendliness, Portland, OR, as first in intelligence and Philadelphia as "also a city."

Fallon: Tuesday President Obama is going down to Kokomo, Ind. That makes sense: No one knows better how to get there fast and then to take it slow.

Related Items:

Late-night joke collection No. 4: Oprah, Obama, Bush, Pelosi and Biden

Late-night joke collection No. 3: Betty White and Jerry Brown

Late-night joke collection No. 2: Joe Biden, NPR, Osama bin Laden and Charlie

Late-night joke collection: No. 1

-- Andrew Malcolm

So, this blog reader walks into a bar.....Every Monday morning, the best of late-night. And no need to go out, just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We're also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.

Photos: AFP (Prince William and Kate Middleton); Larry Downing / Reuters (Obama in Cleveland before the midterm elections).

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