Opinion: Late-night’s best: Will Obama pardon Rangel or the turkey? Levi Johnston bans interviews. Plus Oprah
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As The Ticket’s 54,600 Twitter followers here and 6,300+ Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Here’s our regular Monday morning collection No. 5:
Fallon: What is going on these days? George W. Bush writes a 500-page memoir and Obama publishes a kids coloring book.
Leno: Facebook launches the next-generation messaging system -- a combination of IM, text and e-mail designed to ensure that nothing gets done at any workplace ever again.
Leno: Tough decision for President Obama this week: Pardon the turkey or Democratic Rep. Charlie Rangel.
Leno: House Democrats just elected Nancy Pelosi as their minority leader for the new Congress. Why mess with success, right?
Conan: Congressional Democrats push for $12 billion in additional....
...unemployment benefits. They say they can’t turn their backs on those who until two weeks ago were House Democrats. Fallon: New plan out to cover $6 trillion of the nation’s debt. First, look at all the spending for the past five years. Then, ask China for $6 trillion more.
Conan: Donald Trump wants to know if people think he should run for president. So his folks launched a website called shouldtrumprun.com. Americans have responded with their own website, no.com
Conan: Oprah Winfrey is reportedly considering buying a property in New Jersey. The property is called, “New Jersey.”
Letterman: Another British royal wedding. Prince William and Kate. They made the announcement on a one-hour ESPN special. No date set yet for the divorce.
SNL: The first ever Starbucks at sea opened this week on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship. And somehow there’s already a homeless guy in the bathroom.
Conan: Levi Johnston says he’s not going to do any more interviews. Says he’s already used all the words he knows.
Fallon: Experts announce a new plan to slash the deficit by $6 trillion. All we have to do is switch from regular light bulbs to not having a federal government.
Leno: Happy Birthday to Joe Biden. President Obama got him a gag gift. No, not a funny gift. A real gag.
Fallon: President Obama over in Portugal the other day pointed out to his hosts that his dog, Bo, is a Portuguese Water Dog. Yeah, that’s a good way to make friends: ‘Hey, you know who’s just like you people? My DOG.’
Letterman: New study on marriage finds diminishing interest in marriage, mostly among married people.
Letterman: Tiger Woods on Twitter now, says he wants to reconnect with his fans. So, he’ll be up in Room 436.
Fallon: GM wants to thank all who made its recovery possible: Toyota’s brakes, Toyota’s steering and Toyota’s accelerators.
Fallon: AAA says 42 million Americans will travel over the Thanksgiving holiday. Also, 30 million of them won’t be talking by the time they get there.
Letterman: A new wrinkle this year for Wal-Mart’s midnight store openings on Thanksgiving Friday: They’ve added bulls to the run.
Leno: A rough week for President Obama. He’s gotta pardon a turkey, deal with a lame duck Congress, eat crow and China flipped him the bird over currency.
Letterman: So they put up this year’s Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. For tourists, it’ll be there til early January or until it’s stolen.
Letterman: Any out-of-towners here tonight? A new poll says visitors find New Yorkers unfriendly. Yeh, well, bite me!
Letterman: In these times you know you’re having a bad day when your body scan at the airport gets the guards laughing.
Leno: Reports of wild turkeys terrorizing Staten Island residents. Experts predict the problem will be solved by Thursday.
Fallon: Senior Olympics in California -- 90% of the athletes tested positive for Ensure. And the Chinese gymnasts who claimed to be 90? Turned out they were only 86.
Conan: A cruise line is now offering a so-called, “Cougar Cruise” for women in their 40s and 50s and much younger men. The cruise will get underway as soon as a man signs up.
Conan: I’ve always dreamed of being on a late-night show on basic cable ever since I was 46. But we are already tops in a key TBS demographic: People who can’t afford HBO.
SNL: A new magazine study lists Charleston, SC, first in friendliness, Portland, OR, as first in intelligence and Philadelphia as ‘also a city.’
Fallon: Tuesday President Obama is going down to Kokomo, Ind. That makes sense: No one knows better how to get there fast and then to take it slow.
Related Items:
Late-night joke collection No. 4: Oprah, Obama, Bush, Pelosi and Biden
Late-night joke collection No. 3: Betty White and Jerry Brown
Late-night joke collection No. 2: Joe Biden, NPR, Osama bin Laden and Charlie
Late-night joke collection: No. 1
-- Andrew Malcolm
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