Whereas at last Obama officially publishes said memo creating Gitmo North in Illinois of all places
Whereby the ex-Harvard student known as Barack Hussein Obama (hereinafter referred to as "Obama") did of his own free will, belief and political ambition promise during the calendar year 2008 that he would close the U.S. terrorist detention facility known as Guantanamo located far off in an ocean on a foreign island known as Cuba (hereinafter referred to as "Cuba");
And whereby said Obama, having been duly sworn into the office of president of these United States two times for extra measure, did on only his second full day in office formally order that Guantanamo ("Gitmo"), be officially closed and shuttered effective Dec. 31, 2009, to many huzzahs from numerous persons of the foreign persuasion;
And whereas that closing quite simply ain't gonna happen by said date for reasons that the eager rookie chief executive didn't anticipate when he hurriedly signed the famously popular order, despite widespread warnings by know-it-all media;
And whereas the actual closing date isn't really set now either but could come during 2010 probably, although nothing in this presidential memo or blog item should be construed or taken as any kind of promise, legally binding or otherwise, of any hypothetical date, written or not;
Said Obama, still remaining as official holder of the presidential office, despite slumping....
...job-approval ratings that coincide with rising favorability ratings for persons named Sarah Palin, did finally and forthwith on the third Tuesday of the twelfth month of 2009, get around to issuing a formal memorandum to acquire a prison place with bars and wire and everything jail-like to incarcerate said bearded bad fellows, and that Obama did choose his home state for this prison facility, albeit a friendly but wintry gloomy rural site pretty far away from threatening the property values of his official private residence on the South Side of the Municipality of Chicago ("Chicago");
Also, be it known that said annoying media will, contrary to the public relations intentions of said Obama's scheming communications persons, forever refer to said Illinois facility as Gitmo North, thereby negating much of the desired global strategic communications goodwill of closing nefarious Gitmo South;
Therefore, be it known that The Ticket, having previously published in this place a blog item warning that said Obama planned said action on said day, is hereby now publishing below said memorandum in full for the record and for the interest of fellow citizens, now directed to read same, who may or may not agree with bringing such accused battlefield evildoers onto the mainland when they could have been left much safer far away although, of course, a lot of foreign people wouldn't then have liked that idea, albeit to be legally blunt, they weren't actually willing to do anything beyond yabbering to help empty Guantanamo such as, but not necessarily limited to, accepting any of remaining said evildoers into their own country.
/s/ -- Andrew Malcolm
December 15, 2009
MEMORANDUM FOR THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE and THE ATTORNEY GENERALSUBJECT: Directing Certain Actions with Respect to Acquisition and Use of Thomson Correctional Center to Facilitate Closure of Detention Facilities at Guantanamo Bay Naval Base
By the authority vested in me as President and as Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces of the United States by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, including the Authorization for Use of Military Force (Public Law 107-40, 115 Stat. 224), and in order to facilitate the closure of detention facilities at the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base, I hereby direct that the following actions be taken as expeditiously as possible with respect to the facility known as the Thomson Correctional Center (TCC) in Thomson, Illinois:
1. The Attorney General shall acquire and activate the TCC as a United States Penitentiary, which the Attorney General has determined would reduce the Bureau of Prisons' shortage of high security, maximum custody cell space and could be used for other appropriate inmate or detainee management purposes.
The Attorney General shall also provide to the Department of Defense a sufficient portion of the TCC to serve as a detention facility to be operated by the Department of Defense in order to accommodate the relocation of detainees by the Secretary of Defense in accordance with paragraph 2 of this memorandum.
2. The Secretary of Defense, working in consultation with the Attorney General, shall prepare the TCC for secure housing of detainees currently held at the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base who have been or will be designated for relocation, and shall relocate such detainees to the TCC, consistent with laws related to Guantanamo detainees and the findings in, and interagency Review established by, Executive Order 13492 of January 22, 2009.
This memorandum is not intended to, and does not, create any right or benefit, substantive or procedural, enforceable at law or in equity, by any party against the United States, its departments, agencies, or entities, its officers, employees, or agents, or any other person.
The Secretary of Defense is authorized and directed to publish this memorandum in the Federal Register.
/c/ BARACK OBAMAYou are hereby summoned to click here for round-the-clock Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item every day. Or follow us @latimestot. We're also over here on Facebook. And our new Facebook Fan page is here.
Photo: Lane Christiansen / Chicago Tribune