A final campaign swing for John McCain on 'Saturday Night Live'

We know the Republicans are short on cash in these last few days of the presidential campaign -– but have they really been reduced to raising funds by hawking campaign-related tchotchkes on the QVC home shopping channel?

With only three days until Election Day, that was the premise of the opening sketch on “Saturday Night Live," featuring GOP standard-bearer John McCain and Tina Fey in what she no doubt hopes will be one of her last portrayals of McCain's running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. (Click on the Read more link below to see the full transcript.)

“This past Wednesday, Barack Obama purchased air time on three major networks,” McCain starts off, referring to the Democrat's lavishly produced half-hour infomercial. “We, however, can only afford QVC.”

“These campaigns sure are expensive,” Fey says, running her fingers slowly over the fine fabric of her black suit -- a slick reminder of the $150,000 in clothing the Republican National Committee purchased for Palin and her family.

Among the wares the candidates are shilling:

• 10 commemorative plates, one for each of the 10 town hall debates between McCain and Obama: "They're blank," McCain says. "He wouldn't agree to those debates. Too bad. They're still nice plates."
• A limited-edition set of “Joe" action figures -– Joe the Plumber, Joe Six-Pack and Joe Biden: “If you pull this cord, he talks for 45 minutes!” says Fey.
• “McCain Fine Gold” jewelry, presented by a smiling Cindy McCain channeling Vanna White: It's the perfect purchase for "someone who likes fine jewelry and also respects a politician who can reach across the aisle," the Arizona senator says. “It commemorates the McCain-Feingold Act, and also looks good with evening wear. Thank you, Cindy!”

"Look, would I rather be on three major networks?" McCain asks. "Of course, but I'm a true maverick -- a Republican without money."

-- Leslie Hoffecker

The transcript of the opening sketch of the Nov. 1 "Saturday Night Live," courtesy of NBC:

SEN. JOHN McCAIN: "Good evening, my fellow Americans, I'm John McCain."

TINA FEY AS GOV. SARAH PALIN: "And, you know, I'm just Sarah Palin."

McCAIN: "The final days of any election are the most essential. This past Wednesday, Barack Obama purchased airtime on three major networks. We, however, can only afford QVC."

FEY AS PALIN: "These campaigns sure are expensive."  (SHE strokes the rich fabric of her jacket's lapel)

McCAIN: "They sure are. So tonight, we come before you to give you some final remarks on our campaign."

FEY AS PALIN: "And, as part of our agreement with the QVC folks, we're gonna try and sell you some stuff."

McCAIN: "This has been an historic campaign, so why not remember it with our line of collectible products. Such as 10 commemorative plates that celebrates the 10 Town Hall debates between Senator Obama and myself. They're blank; he wouldn't agree to those debates. Too bad. They're still nice plates.

FEY AS PALIN: "And who wouldn't want the complete set of limited edition 'Joe' action figures?  There's 'Joe the Plumber,' 'Joe Six-Pack' and my personal favorite, 'Joe Biden.' If you pull this cord, he talks for 45 minutes!

(SHE pulls cord)

JASON SUDEIKIS AS SEN. BIDEN (O.C.): "I take the Amtrak to work every day. Then -- after work -- I take it home. Let me tell you something about Joe Biden ..."

McCAIN: "It's great if you want to clear out a party."

FEY AS PALIN: "Or keep deer out of your yard."

McCAIN: "But we're not just here to sell products. We're here with a message. We are at a crossroads in American history.  The leadership of the next four years will have many challenges, and I believe my experience and my leadership will make a difference.

FEY AS PALIN: "Also too – sorry -- I need to remind you that there are just two minutes left in our 'Washington outsider jewelry extravaganza.'"

McCAIN: "Are you someone who likes fine jewelry and also respects a politician who can reach across the aisle? If so, you can't go wrong with McCain Fine Gold."

(CINDY McCAIN displays the  "McCain Fine Gold" like a game show model)

McCAIN (CONT'D): "It commemorates the McCain-Feingold Act -- and also looks great with evening wear.  Thank you, Cindy!"

FEY AS PALIN: "And what busy hockey mom wouldn't want to freshen up her home with Sarah Palin's 'Ayers Fresheners'?  You plug these into the wall when something doesn't quite smell quite right. Also, too, it's good because it reminds people about William Ayers."

MCCAIN: "Having trouble cutting through a tough piece of pork? Not anymore, with John McCain's complete set of pork knives: 'They Cut The Pork Out!'"

FEY AS PALIN: "So instead of going to one of those elite department stores with their liberal agendas and overpriced items and their gotcha return policies that violate your First Amendment rights, why not do your holiday shopping with us?" 

(SHE turns to a different camera)

FEY AS PALIN (CONT'D): "OK, listen up everybody, I am goin' rogue right now, so keep your voices down. Available now, we got a bunch of these 'Palin in 2012' T-shirts. Just try and wait until after Tuesday to wear 'em, OK? Because I'm not goin' anywhere. And I'm certainly not goin' back to Alaska. If I'm not goin' to the White House, I'm either runnin' in four years or I'm gonna be a white Oprah so, you know, I'm good either way."

McCAIN: "What's going on over there, Sarah?"

FEY AS PALIN: "Oh ... just talkin' about taxes." (SHE winks)

McCAIN: "Look, would I rather be on three major networks? Of course, but I'm a true maverick -- a Republican without money. And I'm not like my opponent; my only showbiz connections are Jon Voight and Heidi from 'The Hills.' So I'm here on QVC -- and, like QVC, this campaign promises you three things: quality, value and convenience."

FEY AS PALIN: "And great deals on juicers."

McCAIN: "So when you go to the polls on Tuesday, remember 'Country First'; as a reminder, all undergarments are non-refundable; and live from New York, it's 'Saturday Night'!"

Comments

[yarvet]

That was the worst Saturday Night Live I have
ever seen. The McCain's stooped to their lowest
this time. GEESH We will never watch the show
again. It was an insult! Not one thing was funny,
and that Ben Affleck was horrible. They all were.
McCain is sooooo stiff, not a funny bone in his
old body. He's got seven houses, he can afford
a half hour show instead of using our comedy
shows. Terrible show tonight.

[Beauti92]

Even though I didn't vote for McCain I thought he did wonderful, and he has a great sense of humor.

[Angela]

At least McCain can exit the race with some laughing on himself, and reminding us that his life is not of middle America, but is full of jewelry. How about flipping burgers on QVC? Of all things in America, why jewelry? How many Americans burned by the economy can afford the gold jewelry? Only Cindy, and possibly Palin could afford with RNC money.

Palin, girl we expect you to rock politics in 2012 or 2016. Bring all the drama, then. I am not ruling you out on this race, but I can smell signs of desperation and immaturity.

[Morgana Rae]

This is so odd. What kind of campaign plays up its failure and desperation three days before the election? And highlighting the VP's plans for losing Tuesday? It looks like McCain has already given up. Or he's hoping for pity votes.

[Jennifer]

Seth Green was rude to his guest as was Ben Affleck. The karma will come back on them. Some of the crowd booed. I would expect graciousness, but decent manners from common people are to be expected. They bashed McCain as a guest and not a SINGLE negative Obama comment was made. This turned my vote for sure to McCain, he showed character, strength and humor. Good Luck McCain, and God Bless You and Yours!

[Conrad]

Live from New York, It's Over!

http://swingvoters.wordpress.com

[D Nicol]

McCain has proven on SNL, and at the Al Smith Dinner speeches, that he is far and away the better comedian than Obama. His lines are better, his delivery is better, and he's a lot more comfortable than Obama about poking fun at himself.

For that reason, I believe McCain should host his own weekly political humor show, while Obama runs the country as President. Then everyone will be happy!

[James]

It's nice to see that McCain has a sense of humor.
That's something we need in the White House!!

I don't argue with Obama supporters, because they always want to get into a fight. I just go along with whatever they say.

But when I get to the voting booth, I'm going to vote for John McCain.
And I'm quite sure there are many people in America that are going to do the same thing.
I just can't put the country in the hands of someone like Obama, who I have so many questions about. He truly is untested, and we just don't need that in a time like this.

[Louis Sanchez]

This appearance demonstrated one final time that McCain does not have the decision making skills to be President. Palin frosted the cake and now this appearance was the icing script saying "Welcome Mr. President!" to Obama.

[John]

This was way below the dignitiy of the office that he seeks. It's really a shame that his campaign as come to this.

[B in NC]

This was McCain's best campaign appearance by far.

I still won't vote for him, but he did quite well. And TIna - she's great!

[Pamela Johnson]

John Mccain was a real sport. The SNL sketch was a riot. I thought they did a great job!!!! What a clever way to make a point that the republicans don't need to spend a fortune to get their message across.

[corina]

So, Obama's people have got Joe Biden hidden away because they are afraid he'll say something embarrasing, and we're supposed to think he's a wise pick for VP? What happens if VP Biden says something Embarrasing to Turkey and starts a war? But hey, it's more fun to poke fun at Palin because she has the audacity to keep her hair long and to not wear pantsuits. Go Mc Cain/Palin!

[dude]

Was that, a good thing?

[David Starr]

I 'm voting for Obama but you go to hand it to McCain he has a great sense of humor!
How come Cindy is everywhere he goes lately?

[david]

That was very funny. I think it was a good conclusion for the republicans to all the negative adds they have received in the past from snl.

[adam]

wow, this is really great surprisingly. They did a good job. Oddly enough this kind of stuff really matters, so i'm sure it helped him with some voters

[scottm]

I have to admit that McCain has out done Obama on the comedy scene, he was much better at the Al Smith dinner party and his appearance last night on SNL was pretty good too. I'm going to vote for McCain because of his sense of humor, he's right, Obama is young and has many more chances to win.

( You know what's scary?, I bet there's at least one person out there who really votes that way)

[Barbara]

Why in the last critical weekend does SNL give McCain the spotlight?

Why does the NYT have 6 writers write about what they'll miss most about George Bush?

How did that missing aunt show up days before?

[phil]

Mc Cains true personality came front and center.
FIND GOLD leave your family and look for gold.
the christian right is ok with this because he is a republican,but you remember what a Pig Clinton and Edwards were for the same thing.
Maybe someone needs to learn the meaning of HYPOCRITE.

[scootmandubious]

Appearing on SNL will not detract from the fact that the McCain campaign has produced some of the most slanderous attacks ever.

Having said that, there is a new anti-Obama ad by a slinter group that even the networks won't run.

Watch for yourself and determine if the line has been crossed:

http://scootmandubious.blogspot.com/2008/11/anti-obama-ad-networks-will-not-run.html

[Ann]

I'm an Obama supporter, but I think McCain did a great job. It was nice how he could laugh at himself and not take things so seriously.

[Ann]

I'm an Obama supporter, but I think McCain did a great job. It was nice how he could laugh at himself and not take things so seriously.

[adc53]

I thought Saturday Night Live was funny but I see so many people have lost their sense of humor with this election...I even have a neighbor who voted for Obama and was devastated when she heard Obama's aunt who stayed illegally when her visa expired has been told her $250 donation to his campaign is being returned and that he has stated the law should be applied regardless of her circumstances and she should be deported. she thought Obama was going to be easy on illegal immigrants aand she has relatives in those circumstances...people make a lot of assumptions and i think is silly to vote early, many things come out always on the last feww days before elections.

[Fran]

I thought McCain was funny -did a great job and also Cindy was a good sport in her bit Very Funny SNL