Unveiled: The sad tale of Marty Eisenstadt

Once upon a time there was a boy named Martin. He was a sickly child growing up in rural Austria in a family so poor that it couldn't afford its own last name.

So, Martin's father, Vince, and his mother, coincidentally named Vince, took the name of their town, Eisenstadt. (See photo)

Martin Eisenstadt was a lonely child, slow but short. He didn't play with other children because they always made him the ball.

Vince devoted little time to his son, who was a geek before there were things to be geeky about. Vince spent his days muttering about Mozart and making shoes ("Cobbled Shoes for Cobblestones"). Martin's mother was also busy.

However, Marty, as his friend called him, discovered that he could attract adult attention by telling stories, which he did every night by the fire long after his parents fell asleep. The wilder Martin's stories, the louder they snored. This made Martin feel worthy and valued and he was still telling stories when the Vinces awoke at dawn to shave.

Martin told stories about dragons and demons. He told stories about rich relatives who didn't exist. He claimed to advise famous people. He told stories about wolves in the woods waiting to eat careless Amway salesmen. No one in Eisenstadt paid much attention to Eisenstadt because he was so emotionally needy.

Soon, laptop computers were invented and Martin discovered the Internet where few had heard of Eisenstadt. He told stories there too, big ones. He pretended to be important, tall, wise and handsome.

Since no one could see how ugly and misshapen Martin really is, he told fantastic tales of his own knowledge and contacts and spread them online. He only targeted the most important websites -- Huffington Post, MSNBC, The Ticket.

One day Martin told a fantastic tale about a woman, Paris Hilton, he had loved since the night he first saw her in an Internet film clip. To impress, Martin made up a story about Paris' rich grandfather. He said things about the old man's generous Republican donations and criticized someone named John McCain, who'd implied Paris was a mere celebrity.

After publishing his story Martin waited in his fuzzy slippers, hoping Paris would find him in his dank Schenectady basement.

But instead early last summer, a blog called The Ticket saw Martin's made-up story and, never having been to Eisenstadt to hear the sad story of Eisenstadt, it mentioned some of Martin's fictitious details about Paris' grandpa and his nonexistent anger with McCain. How silly was that?

Then, that blog corrected itself in an item just like this.

~~~The End~~~

--Andrew Malcolm

Photo credit: WireImage

Comments

[Andrew]

Best correction ever.

[Tom J]

And everyone lived happily ever after, especially the beautiful princess.

[thorswitch]

Sorry, Alessandro, but Palin is no where NEAR to being Biden's equal. Palin had no idea what the Bush Doctrine was, couldn't name any publications she's read or any court decisions she disagreed with (aside from Roe v. Wade,) and thinks that she has foreign policy experience because Alaska is between Russia and Canada.

Biden, on the other hand, has actually had to deal with any number of issues related to foreign policy during his time in the Senate - which means he actually knows the kinds of things that have to be taken into account when determining how we interact with other nations. And while he's not been asked to do it (that I know of,) can you truly think that he wouldn't know things like supreme court cases he disagrees with, publications he reads or something as important at Bush's doctrine of pre-emptive war? I'm quite sure he does. Maybe he makes a few gaffes now and again, but they're usually more of the "mouth running faster than the brain" type, as opposed to the "brain not running on all cylinders" type.

While I certainly hope nothing would require this, but should the worst happen (Gods forbid!) the idea of having Biden as our president isn't something that causes me grave concern. The prospect of Palin having to take over for McCain, however, filled me with almost more dread than the idea of McCain himself being the president.

The LAST thing we need is another "empty suit" as the head of our country - someone who knows very little and doesn't really care about learning anything more. Bush seemed to think that having other's read the newspapers for him and then tell him what *they thought* he needed to know was sufficient, but it left him open to significant manipulation by not having - or caring to have - any information that might tell him something different or give him any insight to what their ideas might cost our nation.