Diebold software error reveals John McCain to win Nov. 4 election

Breaking News for April 1: An apparent simultaneous software glitch in thousands of Diebold electronic voting machines across the country during the night accidentally released word that Arizona Republican Sen. John McCain will officially win the general election on Nov. 4.

Release of the preset presidential election results months prematurely could become a serious embarrassment to the company whose expensive and allegedly unreliable electronic voting machines have been so controversial in some places.

"We really don't know how this happened," a company spokesman told The Ticket, "but we stress that all the congressional election outcomes are still sealed. So there's still some mystery. And we're asking the news media to suppress the presidential news results in order to maintain the national political suspense for another seven months." Obviously, the appeal for secrecy worked on other websites but not on The Ticket.

The computer error is certain to affect negatively the television....

audience ratings on election night, since viewers will have known the winner for exactly 31 weeks. So election night's mounting popular vote counts, the states changing colors, electoral college totals and pleasant people with perfect hairdos predicting state outcomes and discussing what it all means will look like the sham it is, except this time viewers will know it.

On the positive side, the candidates will continue raising millions and campaigning to help fuel the nation's stumbling economy. McCain's writing staff has already set aside his September nominating acceptance speech to begin crafting the January inaugural address. And Republicans can make their inauguration travel and hotel arrangements well in advance and book Wayne Newton.

Also, the fact that neither New York Sen. Hillary Clinton nor Illinois Sen. Barack Obama is going to win anything anyway may help tone down the harsh rhetoric that has characterized their Democratic Party competition in recent days. Both will know by breakfast today that they're competing in useless primaries for a worthless nomination. And the superdelegates won't be so super anymore.

Vermont Sen. Patrick Leahy, an Obama supporter, issued an immediate statement urging Clinton to stay in the race as long as possible because one-candidate debates are pretty boring, although even in her absence CNN's commentators will still declare Clinton the winner.

Spokesmen for both parties said their national conventions would go ahead as planned -- the Democrats in Denver and the Republicans in St. Paul -- because they've already paid for the convention centers, and late-summer TV shows are usually lame.

News of McCain's upcoming victory confirms the long-held and often-expressed suspicions of Rep. Ron Paul's supporters about a vast media-corporate conspiracy to ignore the Texan's hopeless, longshot presidential campaign and suppress both his poll numbers and primary voting results to prevent his certain sweep.

Word of the Diebold computer malfunction first leaked shortly after midnight on April Fool's Day on the Onion satirical website. McCain supporters were spotted in several cities celebrating prematurely. The website's exclusive compelling video report is here.

-- Andrew Malcolm   

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Comments

[dave]

some people won't miss an occasion to make a fool of themselves. nice april fool's day.
(warning, not funny: e.g. google video, 'hacking democracy')

[jon]

Nice joke, too bad you copied it from the Onion!

(Too bad you didn't have time to read the whole thing.)

[Buj]

OK Dems. Pack it up. We already know the winner regardless.

[Jenn]

Hummm. Guess the real joke/fool is all of us, really. I am not amused.
Dibold really is openly, in your face, joke on the American People..
A very depressing April 1st. Thanx

[Bosworth]

Oh Malcolm, hahahaha. Shucks you make me laugh.

Here's what people in England are reading:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/us_elections/article3620881.ece

[This is not funny]

Well now the idiots who believe in conspiracy theories will have some new "facts" to rant about. It would be wonderful if you guys simply REPORTED NEWS instead of trying to be funny. It doesn't work.

[steve jackson]

This would be really funny if it weren't true. I work for the Deibold branch in Lenexa, Kansas. You would be amazed at what goes on here.

[matthew]

I can only imagine how many people opened this article thinking "them dirty republicans, how low will they stoop" and how many read the article still thinking the same thing except with a slight sense of incredulity tossed in for good measure.

Top class humor.

[csbrudy]

This has ruined all my plans. I was looking forward to volunteering hundreds of meaningless hours dedicated to whichever Democratic Loser was nominated, It just won't be the same now that everyone knows.

I'll just have to get my passport updated, now.

[jfx]

nice
too bad they didn't also accidentally leak November oil prices

(Or some stock prices eh?)

[Jordan]

Credit for this story really should go to The Onion (the URL links to their original story)

[John Ralston]

What No Real News To Find?
What A Waste Of TIme.
If You Go Look Out the Window Instead Of Reading The Onion At Your Desk you Might See Some "News" Strolling By.
Better Yet; Just Go Home -Take the Rest of the Day Off.
This Is Why I Don't Have Any Intention Of Ever Paying For The Fish Wrappers You Call A "Newspaper".
To Me You Just Look Like Fools Who Cannot Or Are To Simple & Lazy To Do What Used To Be Known As Reporting.
If I Want This Kind Of Crap I'll Stay Up To Tune In For David Letterman.

(Wow, somebody got up on the Grumpy Side of Bed today. FYI, this isn't a newspaper. It's a blog. Online. No paper. And thanks for stopping by.)

[Keith]

How disappointing, I was hoping for a Ron Paul joke to get all the Paulites stirred up.

[Rob Johnson]

Vice Presidident Huckabee -YES. Romney NO. Anyone but Romney-O.K. If Romney is McCain's choice for running mate, my choice will be not to vote for the first time in this registered Republicans thirty years of supporting the party and its candidates. So, for the sake of our Country, McCain, and the Party, I hope that McCain will not be so foolish as to offend the spiritual sensibilities of the parties evangelical conservative base.