Opinion: Charlton Heston dies! Hollywood’s GOP population plummets 25%

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According to the homepage on this website, someone named Charlton Heston died Saturday at the age of 84. Daily Kos reports the ‘great actor and gun nut’ died. TopNews of India reports ‘Hollywood star and gun lobbyist’ dies.

Obviously, this is another one of those Internet frauds because the Charlton Heston that many of us knew is indestructible, which is what made his famous ‘from my cold, dead hands’ line so chilling.

He was, in life, larger than life. So it follows that he is also larger than death.

It was simply inconceivable, him having survived the flight from Egypt and those power-crazed simians and those wars. Not to mention the chariot race while sweating that much and never once looking into the camera. Which was, by the way, mounted exactly where on the chariot?

Heston was an actor. So, technically, he’s not supposed to be in a political blog. But we’ve had Magic and we’ve had the Cheers guy and his latest wife and we’ve had the supreme leader of the Oprah cult. We even wrote about Bo Derek once.

But when 25% of Hollywood’s conservative Republicans die in one night, that’s real political blog news. (Let us know below who you think the other three are.)

You can read that alleged obituary if you want and even believe it and click through the photo gallery, too, for old time’s sake. He sure looks a lot larger than 6-2, doesn’t he?

But now we’ve discovered proof that he’s not really gone.

You can still listen to him say some of his most famous lines right here. Anytime you want. But be careful. Sometimes Moses doth sweareth.

What other proof do you need that He lives on?

--Andrew Malcolm