Top five redneck baby-daddy cars

Look, he’s only 18. You can hardly blame Levi Johnston for loving to party, shooting guns, playing hockey and, well, other activities. “I’m a ... redneck,” the teen who impregnated Bristol Palin wrote on his MySpace page. “You ... with me and I’ll kick your ...”

Well, at the risk of incurring the wrath of this obviously formidable young man, not to mention his mother-in-law-to-be Sarah Palin, I question his redneck credentials. Specifically, what about this picture of him standing in front of a blue Ford Fusion? A Fusion? Come on, that’s something a “community organizer” might drive.

Let me help the lad out. Here is a list of my top five redneck baby-daddy cars. Please suggest your own, and we’ll make sure to forward a definitive list to Alaska.

#1 -- Ford Bronco

The Bronco carries an undeniable cultural throw-weight as the truck for the wild and reckless. Note its appearance in movies such as “Smokey and the Bandit,” “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” and “Eight-Legged Freaks.” For true believers, the only real Bronco is one pre-1978, after which the Bronco was just a glorified F-series pickup. The hot setup is a 1977 Bronco half-cab in primer gray, with a Ford 302-cubic inch V8 crate motor, a 7-inch Skyjacker lift kit, AGR Rock Ram steering assist, Dana 44 lockers, bead-lock 36-inch Goodrich mudders, a PTO, rifle rack and fender spats. Bro-licious.(PHOTO CREDIT: KINDRED AUTO BODY)

#2 -- 1977 Trans Am SE:

In the land of the sunburned nape, the 1977 Trans Am SE –- black or brown, with Screaming Chicken hood decal, removable glass roof panels, and gold cast alloy wheels –- stands like a semi-literate colossus. Yet another star of “Smokey and the Bandit" –- and arguably its most emotive performer –- the T/A is a cultural icon of the '70s, like CB radios, “Free Bird” and blooming fever blisters. These were stupendously lousy cars, to be sure, but they were fun and fast and loud. And they looked like a fist in search of a mouth to punch.(PHOTO CREDIT: PHIL SKINNER/KBB)

#3 -- 2002 Dale Earnhardt Signature Edition Monte Carlo

The model year is key here: 2002 was the year after Dale Earnhardt, the Intimidator, died on the fabled high-banks of Daytona. Owning one of these cars says that you loved Dale so much you went out and memorialized him with a 48-month car loan. The magic number 3 appears all over this car, and it’s done up in the GM Goodwrench livery, just like ole Ironhead’s race car. For true rednecks, Earnhardt remains the quintessential NASCAR champion. Kyle Busch, Jeff Gordon, Kasey Kahne? Blow-dried weenies.(PHOTO CREDIT: DALE EARNHARDT CHEVROLET)

#4 -- Anything with duct tape

 
What do you call duct tape in North Carolina? Chrome. Duct tape is the sum and substance of what you might call redneck engineering. It can do wondrous things. It can keep your pants up. It can be used to make a nice tie for those formal occasions, or a tourniquet, when those occasions turn ugly. You can use it to tape your cellphone to your ear for high-tech hands-free phoning. But the highest calling of duct tape is to bind the wounds of a busted-up hoopty. With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, if you’ve got more than one roll of duct tape on your car, you might be a redneck. And yes, upholstery counts.(PHOTO CREDIT: EBAUMSWORLD.COM)

#5 -- Ford Mustang

Well, of course, the Ford Mustang, but which one? You can’t have the fifth-generation Mustang, the current body design, because those are cool and they have some residual value. It can’t be an '60s-era Mustang either, because they too are cool and valuable collector's items. You don’t want people thinking you’re an elitist, do you? What will really wow them down at the hunting lodge is a third-gen, Fox-platform Mustang, with a big, thirsty 5.0-liter. Extra points for a convertible with a gun rack welded up out of square-section tubing. Double bonus if you can drive your ATV onto the rear luggage rack.(PHOTO CREDIT: FORD MOTOR CO.)

-- Dan Neil

(Photo of Levi Johnson with Bristol Palin by EPA/SHAWN THEW)

Comments

[Chris]

I get so tired of hearing conservatives whine that the playing field is only tilted in their favor 90% of the time instead of 100%.

My contribution for what a wild-oats sowin', pinkish under the collar, masculinity-challenged shotgun-groom would have to quickly post in the classifieds would be a late sixties Chevy C-10 pickup, lowered with a 350 and dual exhaust.

[cargas]

You left out the chevy nova, Road runner and any mumber of other great cars. You guys really are losers. Oh by the way, why don''t you go play hookey one on one with Levi, I would love to watch!!!!

[Jason]

Woah,
I grew up in the middle of redneck land. I even had a lifted Chevy S-10 Baja, with 32 x 10.5 tires, roll bar and more lights than a football stadium. No gun rack, but the shotgun fit nicely behind the seats. Given my credentials, I feel I have the authority to point out a glaring omission in your piece.

Aside from my truck, you forgot the quintessential redneck mobile - the 1981-86 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme Coupe. Get one of these babies, primer over the rusty bits, lift the rear end (not sure why), stick (no, not install) some speakers against the rear windshield, get some fuzzy dice, crappy wheels and you are rolling.

Damn, that was a fine ride!

[Andy]

I agree with these picks, although I think the Earnhardt monte carlo and the Trams Am will be a little too pricey for your every day redneck. Reds are looking for something they can tool on, primer out, and muscle up, one paycheck at a time, while the rust-bucket relaxes on blocks on the front lawn.

Did we also forget to add the ubiquitous Calvin peeing on something sticker?

[TR]

Buick Grand National . That's how I pick up my kids from my baby mama's house. You can even fit a 40oz in the cupholder.

[Uncle Leroy]

Hey Danny. What about a '69 Dodge Charger? Very Luke n Daisy.

Uncle Leroy

[AS]

How funny it is that we're so much better than everyone else. Imagine having to drive a car that's beat up. You're right LA Times anyone who has to put duct tape on a car to fix it is a loser!

[marion]

WILL THE KNEE JERK LATIMES NOT SINK TO ANY LEVEL TO SMEAR SOMEONE?SHAME,SHAME,SHAME!

[Tom]

"I agree with these picks, although I think the Earnhardt monte carlo and the Trams Am will be a little too pricey for your every day redneck. Reds are looking for something they can tool on, primer out, and muscle up, one paycheck at a time, while the rust-bucket relaxes on blocks on the front lawn.

Did we also forget to add the ubiquitous Calvin peeing on something sticker?"

Andy, you hit the bulls eye, and created a fantastic visual image! I'm sure they'll all be watching the Powerblock on Spike TV this Saturday for Horsepower TV. Musclecar, Trucks and Extreme 4X for DIY tips too!

[Sick]

Why are you checking the My Space page of an 18 year old guy anyway? Trolling? Sick, man, just sick. Shame shame shame.

[Russ Miller, Ft. Worth, Tx.]

Actually, many of us outside the urban areas consider the term redneck a term of pride and not disdain. The term was originally applied to farmers with sunburned necks from their many hours of working in the sun. Certainly a deed not worthy of derision, but rather one of pride and accomplishment.

[Levi]

Don't f*** with me, man.

[Grumpy]

wha? No '65-69 Dodge Dart or Plymouth Valliant? you kiddin' me? Every redneck high school student needs one.
Funny, all this time I was under the impression redneck was a term of endearment for us here in the south.

[Bob the Writer]

To all those incensed rednecks who take offense:

Dude! This is L.A.! We don't complain to the Winston-Salem Gazeteer (or the O.C. Register) when one its columnists makes fun of us. At least I don't. For all I care, the sunburnt hoopleheads in Mission Viejo can whoop and holler about liberals until the sun burns itself out (or until their favorite detergent box crosses the finish line in Fontana, whichever occurs first).

By the way, a Camaro (especially the third gen IROC) is more of a Guido car, something I found out when I bought a fourth gen Z-28 (black with t-tops, no less).

Hey Dan, maybe you can assuage the hurt feelings by doing a Top-Five Guido Car piece?

[LPB]

Any sort of rear-wheel drive ex-police car.

But, Dan, since what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, are you going to have another article on what sort of "_________"-car Mrs. Obama should be driving?

Remember, just because I call myself something in fun (See R. Pryor, J. Foxworthy, C. Rock, et al), doesn't mean you can call me that because you think it's "funny".

But I wish you would go ahead and see what would happen if you did.

[Larry13]

You LA people don't get it. 80's 3/4 ton chevy pickup with lift kit and big tires.

[pogo]

|Dodge Charger

[mjh463]

Top Five Left Leaning LA Beautiful Person Cars

1. Any vehicle whose sticker value is north of $40,000.
2. Any vehicle that allows you to appear to be eco-friendly as you drive away from the 8 bedroom and 9 bath house where you, your partner, and several small dogs reside.
3. Any vehicle that does not contain a single component that was produced by weighing down the backs of the noble poor in third world countries.
4. Any vehicle that allows you to hope for change and then change that hope for change based hope that will then result in hope based change.
5. Any vehicle driven by an illegal alien regardless of whether it is properly registered, smogged, insured, or being driven by a licensed driver except when such vehicle comes within too close proximity to the vehicle you drive from the above list.

[Al]

No, to be fair, we should be doing a list of what should Joe Biden's daughter-in-law be driving.

C'mon, he's a kid. He's not a politician. For all you know, the boy may be a democrat redneck--lots of those in the south, you know. Leave the kid alone. Pick on his future mother-in-law to be, but why you gotta drag a kid into your warped LA world.

Having said that, I have to concur that the Bronco is the ultimate redneck machine. The duct-tape posting--that's just tacky. (in both senses of hte word)

[Dean]

The old Valiants were cool, my buddy had a '61. The best part was the way the rear seat would fold down, making a bed where your feet would go into the trunk. The second best thing was the vent doors you could hide beer in, each side would hold 3 or 4, and keep them cold in cooler weather.

[jj]

Had 4 of that generation Mustangs (and some of the others). Had the Bronco. IROC instead of Trans Am, a 1962 Ford Falcon for the duct tape version, but didn't have the Chevy. Did have a few other v-8 American cars that I modified, so does that count? Hmm, do I want them to count?

[dani]

Any 70's El Camino/Ranchero

[Summer]

how could you forget the IROC?? Any Chevy truck fot that matter,Hello?? And it's not a true redneck car 'til it's up on blocks in the front yard.

[Jimbo Goleta]

Dude, you missed the ultimate redneck wagon: the El Camino, preferably early to mid-70s. Slap some Gabriel Hijackers and some fat tires on the rear end and you're good to go. It'll haul anything.

Although they're usually driven by 50-something bikers, and they'd need to put a few sand bags in the back for those Alaskan winters, I'm sure Levi and Bristol would feel right at home in the thing.

[Doc Holliday]

Ah, great, guys, but the Trans Am you have pictured in the article isn't a '77 Trans Am.

It's a '79....

Seems like you should have checked this. With the hundreds of cable channels out there, "Smokey and The Bandit" is sure to be playing somewhere...