Top five redneck baby-daddy cars

Look, he’s only 18. You can hardly blame Levi Johnston for loving to party, shooting guns, playing hockey and, well, other activities. “I’m a ... redneck,” the teen who impregnated Bristol Palin wrote on his MySpace page. “You ... with me and I’ll kick your ...”

Well, at the risk of incurring the wrath of this obviously formidable young man, not to mention his mother-in-law-to-be Sarah Palin, I question his redneck credentials. Specifically, what about this picture of him standing in front of a blue Ford Fusion? A Fusion? Come on, that’s something a “community organizer” might drive.

Let me help the lad out. Here is a list of my top five redneck baby-daddy cars. Please suggest your own, and we’ll make sure to forward a definitive list to Alaska.

#1 -- Ford Bronco

The Bronco carries an undeniable cultural throw-weight as the truck for the wild and reckless. Note its appearance in movies such as “Smokey and the Bandit,” “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” and “Eight-Legged Freaks.” For true believers, the only real Bronco is one pre-1978, after which the Bronco was just a glorified F-series pickup. The hot setup is a 1977 Bronco half-cab in primer gray, with a Ford 302-cubic inch V8 crate motor, a 7-inch Skyjacker lift kit, AGR Rock Ram steering assist, Dana 44 lockers, bead-lock 36-inch Goodrich mudders, a PTO, rifle rack and fender spats. Bro-licious.(PHOTO CREDIT: KINDRED AUTO BODY)

#2 -- 1977 Trans Am SE:

In the land of the sunburned nape, the 1977 Trans Am SE –- black or brown, with Screaming Chicken hood decal, removable glass roof panels, and gold cast alloy wheels –- stands like a semi-literate colossus. Yet another star of “Smokey and the Bandit" –- and arguably its most emotive performer –- the T/A is a cultural icon of the '70s, like CB radios, “Free Bird” and blooming fever blisters. These were stupendously lousy cars, to be sure, but they were fun and fast and loud. And they looked like a fist in search of a mouth to punch.(PHOTO CREDIT: PHIL SKINNER/KBB)

#3 -- 2002 Dale Earnhardt Signature Edition Monte Carlo

The model year is key here: 2002 was the year after Dale Earnhardt, the Intimidator, died on the fabled high-banks of Daytona. Owning one of these cars says that you loved Dale so much you went out and memorialized him with a 48-month car loan. The magic number 3 appears all over this car, and it’s done up in the GM Goodwrench livery, just like ole Ironhead’s race car. For true rednecks, Earnhardt remains the quintessential NASCAR champion. Kyle Busch, Jeff Gordon, Kasey Kahne? Blow-dried weenies.(PHOTO CREDIT: DALE EARNHARDT CHEVROLET)

#4 -- Anything with duct tape

 
What do you call duct tape in North Carolina? Chrome. Duct tape is the sum and substance of what you might call redneck engineering. It can do wondrous things. It can keep your pants up. It can be used to make a nice tie for those formal occasions, or a tourniquet, when those occasions turn ugly. You can use it to tape your cellphone to your ear for high-tech hands-free phoning. But the highest calling of duct tape is to bind the wounds of a busted-up hoopty. With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, if you’ve got more than one roll of duct tape on your car, you might be a redneck. And yes, upholstery counts.(PHOTO CREDIT: EBAUMSWORLD.COM)

#5 -- Ford Mustang

Well, of course, the Ford Mustang, but which one? You can’t have the fifth-generation Mustang, the current body design, because those are cool and they have some residual value. It can’t be an '60s-era Mustang either, because they too are cool and valuable collector's items. You don’t want people thinking you’re an elitist, do you? What will really wow them down at the hunting lodge is a third-gen, Fox-platform Mustang, with a big, thirsty 5.0-liter. Extra points for a convertible with a gun rack welded up out of square-section tubing. Double bonus if you can drive your ATV onto the rear luggage rack.(PHOTO CREDIT: FORD MOTOR CO.)

-- Dan Neil

(Photo of Levi Johnson with Bristol Palin by EPA/SHAWN THEW)

Comments

[Steph W]

This. Is. Awesome. But actually not really because the reason why this guy's even in the news is because of his future mother in law and the Redneck Rain she will bring down on us if she actually makes it to the white house. My laugh is hollow and tinged with fear.

[Jack Meoph]

The Chevy Nova, anything after '75, cause they have the ugly bumpers. 350 small block with lifted rear and positract. You're set good buddy.

[Tom]

I loved the article and we should enjoy Mr. Neil's piece for its satirical value and leave the political invective out of it.

Dan, how could you leave the big, mid-1970's 4WD Dodge Ram pick up out of this? I see one, with a gun rack in the rear window, Yosemite Sam mud flaps, a #3 and #8 decal in each corner of the rear window, and perhaps the Stars & Bars in the middle of the rear window as the ultimate Southern Redneck rig.

[Sophie]

Dan, you are very brave. Keep an eye out...

[Heck No!]

This is good, but y'all are missing some critical choices...

1. 1987 Buick Grand National

2. 1982 Chevy Camaro with four-cylinder engine, but decked out with fake higher-end decals and rims.

3. Any year F-250 4x4 with faded paint, bald oversized mud tires, and an exhaust leak.

[-Rz]

You forgot the Camaro!!!
All Camaros, ever. They should be tied for 2nd place, with the Trans Am. True rednecks honestly think they are different cars. Now hold my beer, I'm gonna try me something...

[Windfall]

Great, now how about the top five Marxist Community Organizer cars?

5. Volvo station wagon (any year or color).

4. 1972 white SuperFly Cadillac Eldorado

3. Lime green AMC Gremlin (any year).

2. 2008 Prius with multiple yellow watch-me-go-55-in-the-car-pool-lane stickers

1. Any city bus.

[JT]

Have I missed the Palins on Springer already?

[Inland Empire]

This is good, but y'all are missing some critical choices...

1. 1987 Buick Grand National

Rednecks can't afford these. Check the blue book on the 87 GNX.

[Jtil]

Bwahahahah! I knew it had to be Dan Neil writing this as soon as I got to the part about the "sun-burned napes..."
EXCELLENT blogging here. It should reach the heights of Digg, if anyone's thought to submit it. Thanks for another enjoyable read, Dan!

[eric]

This whole article is just another swipe at Palin; which is par for the course at the old ultra-lib, with diminishing prestige, LA Times. Why doesn't the LA Times just rename the paper?

My suggestions: LA Enquirer; The LA Star Magazine? Or the best yet: Papier de Toilete!

[mark]

and yet again the la times shows themselves as the leftist anti-republican rag we all know it to be...

how about a little decorum when it comes to the family of a political candidate...

and you wonder why distribution is down...

[paul graves]

The LA Times is a disgrace to journalism. You don't know anything about this kid. I'm really perplexed at the lack of ethical journalism coming from a fine newspaper like the LA Times. Sure its a little funny, but at who's expense? Innocent kids who have questionable judgement. I'm sure your judgement was 'state of the art' at 18?

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[Olddog]

I'll take the Yellow Bronco please,......or a 'Cherry' old Land Cruiser will do too.

[Mark]

Hey LA Times! Not funny to Republicans! They only find humor in partisan attacks—satire is WAY over their heads!

[Terrible Swift Sword]

Bubba and Bristol don't need a new used car. What's wrong with the Rambler and its back seat they already have?

[Art Marriott, Seattle]

Hey, we're talking about getting around in Alaska, folks...

How about a Cessna with training wheels?

[Manya]

Publish more snide, smarmy chuckles at the lowbrow rednecks in flyover country, please. Give us examples of their inbred, ignorant lives and louche behavior. Keep it up. You will put McCain in the WH doing so. Thanks for that.

[it is a blog]

So what's funnier is that this is BLOG not the newspaper.

[Kathy]

This is the most ignorant Blog I've ever read.
What is your definition of a redneck?

[Jake Ryan]

You're showing the wrong year Trans Am. The one pictured is circa 1979/80.

[Lou]

Gotta have a Camaro IROC Z on the list.

[KidDanger]

What's picured is not a '77 Trans Am. That's an '81. I know this because I'm a redneck.

[GaryDL]

Fun article. However, my first new car was a 1979 Firebird - not the Trans Am. Conrary to your statement,it was a good car for the money and definitely not a redneck magnet (I am a lawyer in DC and was just starting out then.). Back then, not all of us had abandoned American cars...