The Heidi Chronicles, Chapter 46: What is Heidi doing right now?

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This is Heidi. Last year, she was ‘discovered’ in the park by a pet talent agency; since then, she has embarked on a one-dog quest to break into the business. This is her Hollywood story as chronicled by Diane Haithman. And this is her ‘head shot’: That longing look was achieved by placing a biscuit just out of reach.

One of the best things about dogs is that they don’t Twitter (and if they do, please, please don’t tell me). In fact, I would hesitate to even say the word “tweet” in front of Heidi lest she think a biscuit or a nice piece of cheese is headed her way.

She also doesn’t text, has no Facebook page and I will not get her a BlackBerry no matter how good she thinks they taste.

But since this dog has a blog – and we haven’t weighed in for several weeks – even without the benefit of Twitter, here are a few Heidi ‘updates’ for those who wonder what she’s doing right now. “Woofs,” if you will.

As with most tweets, all self-promotional exaggerations and embellishments are cheerfully included.

Heidi’s ‘woofs’ are longer than the 140-character limit imposed by Twitter because Heidi can’t count – she’s a dog.

A PREMIERE MOMENT: Heidi wanted to post this photo of herself arriving at a glamorous Hollywood premiere by limo... Well, actually, she’s arriving at doggie day care, and it’s a Town Car, and the only reason her hairy self was allowed into this very nice vehicle at all is that she’s being dropped off for boarding as her dad commutes to the airport. But she looks a lot cuter in any car (and on the next page, getting out of one) than Paris Hilton ever did.
COMING SOON TO A COMPUTER NEAR YOU: Even though Heidi’s “speak” is one of her strongest assets, she has been silent for awhile because she doesn’t want to overexpose herself while awaiting the debut of her web series “Sir Glen of Glenwood,” for Performing Arts Studio West (we are hoping that series star Glen Poehlman takes no offense at Heidi referring to the project as hers; she’s an alpha dog ).

We had hoped to post video sooner, but studio founder/director John Paizis assures us that the director’s cut, now in post-production, will be well worth the wait.

SHEPHERD STARLET INKS A DEAL!: One thing you learn covering showbiz for a major metropolitan newspaper is that anxious screenwriters/actors/producers do their best to get their latest project into the news before anybody’s signed a contract, in hopes that the news story will actually make the deal happen. (“See? Daily Variety is already calling it a cross between ‘Harry Potter’ and ‘Lassie’! ”…)

Therefore, Heidi and I would like to announce that Heidi’s dad, Alan Feldstein, met a director from “Desperate Housewives” at his gym (Heidi goes with him on Wednesdays and Fridays and enjoys protecting the premises from attack by people who don’t work out).

And, always networking for the dog, Alan told this director about Heidi’s showbiz aspirations. This director then mentioned that “Housewives” often features suburban women walking their dogs in the background.

Hey, I live in the Valley and save weekly with my Ralphs Club Card; how suburban is that? And, Heidi has been a dog for years – we can do this! In fact, a publicist for the show actually responded to one of my e-mails requesting consideration, though not recently. In Hollywood, that’s a done deal.

Heidi has a few more irons in the showbiz fire, but can offer no comment at this time due to the sensitive nature of the negotiations. But if you need a talented German shepherd for your project, well, all you have to do is Twitter.

-- Diane Haithman