Matt Weinstock, July 16, 1959

Tomato in a Hamburger? Again, the other day, I became embroiled in an old argument. I stood firmly on my contention that the slice of tomato does not belong in a hamburger sandwich. Most of the other people at the barbecue held that it does. Mustard, relish, lettuce and, if one is feeling brave, onions -- yes. Tomato, no. Furthermore, I'm not so sure about the dill pickle. Let's just let it lay on the plate, to be eaten or not to be eaten. A pickle is a matter of mood. Tomato, I argued, is a nothing flavor, which diffuses and distorts an already perfect hunk of eating. Not only that, it adds to the sandwich's thickness, making it difficult to eat. The opposition scoffed, repeating the ridiculous canard that a hamburger is not a hamburger without a slice of tomato. All right, so I am exposed as a tomato hater. All I can state is that it's about time those of us who feel deeply on this subject start a revolt against this vicious tyranny. :: WORD STUFF -- An announcer on a Lancaster radio station, Jimmie Warrell reports, told of two bicycle riders traveling from "Holiet, Illinois, to La Hoya, California." Those Spanish Js will getcha . . . There's an Ingomar St. in Canoga Park and Stan Wood, an admirer of Ingemar Johansson, says whoever named it may have been psychic but wasn't a very good speller . . . And Herb Schnebble wonders if Al Capone ever passed through El Cajon. :: DOWN THE MIDDLE Vacation pleasures I'd willingly share; "Wish you were here!" And I were there.        -- RALPH FREEMAN :: IN 1950 Paul Werth paid Harry Belafonte $50 for appearing in concert in Town Hall, New York. A few days ago Werth, now with KRHM-FM, taped a four-hour show with the noted singer for next Monday night and jokingly suggested that he would be glad to arrange another such concert and maybe up the ante to $75. Offer laughingly declined. :: A SOCIOLOGY student at SC made a telephone survey after 9 p.m. to learn how many parents knew of their children's whereabouts. Of 25 calls, he was surprised to discover, the phone was answered nine times by children who didn't know where their parents were. :: A MUNICIPAL employees cafeteria, which actually serves excellent food, is known among them as the Ulcer Room. Perverse, those fellows . . . And a Hill St. gentleman drinker named Chuck, explaining a brief absence from the bat caves, said he'd been attending "a bourbon seance." :: AROUND TOWN -- Baseball fever note: On coming out of the anesthetic after giving birth to their first child, Martha Dubell, wife of pianist Cy Dubell, asked her doctor, "How did the Dodgers make out?" They lost but she's doing fine . . . Six Bonita High Schoolers are grateful to Bill Bendix, who put out in his speedboat in Lido Isle channel and towed their stalled sailboat to safety. And not a press agent in sight. :: FOOTNOTES -- Ray Duncan nominates for the trite movie dialogue file the line, "Forgive? There's nothing to forgive!" The heck there isn't . . . When the temperature soared over the weekend, adman Joe Vodneck , Pasadena apartment dweller, took his wife, Adrienne, and daughter, Lisa, to a nearby motel where they enjoyed the pool and air conditioning. Next morning back to Hotsville . . . Because of conflicting warnings which have gone out lately over the wireless Hank Osborne thinks the world is ready for an album titled "Best of the SigAlerts " . . . Aside to a lady named Julia: Those gals on Hollywood Freeway islands and shoulders were only part-time picnickers. Between bites of lunch they were taking the annual state highway traffic count.

Paul V. Coates -- Confidential File, June 26, 1959

Confidential File Mickey to Hit Banquet Trail Mickey Cohen, reputed former czar of a million-dollar bookie empire, is preparing to hit the banquet trail to spread the word that "crime don't pay." Already a verbal-contract agreement has been reached between the ex-mobster and the head of a nationally known lecture agency, whose clients include U.S. senators, admirals and university presidents. The agency, with offices here and in the East, reportedly is set to finalize negotiations within a few days. The plan -- learned exclusively by the Mirror-News -- was confirmed to me today by Cohen and, in part, by the involved agency. A spokeswoman for the lecture booking outfit admitted that preliminary conferences had been held, and that at present the agency was "feeling out the reaction." "Whatever we do," she assured me excitedly, "we don't want to change Mr. Cohen's style of murdering the King's English. "In person," she added, "he's quite a different man than I expected. He's -- I suppose I shouldn't say it -- but he's adorable." Cohen, while not so lavish in praise of his own appearance and personality, pointed out in his conversation with me that he was fully qualified to speak on a variety of subjects. " 'Crime Don't Pay' will be the theme," he explained, "but I can handle anything. Like 'Crime in Politics,' 'Juvenile Delinquency' and 'The Mafia.' "The so-called Mafia," he corrected himself. "What I'll do is tell them the experiences I went through," he said. "I'll show them that all is not gold that glitters. A fast buck ain't all that it's set up to be. Things like that." Mickey explained that his decision to stump the fried chicken and mashed potato circuit was prompted by a conversation he had with Mirror-News columnist Drew Pearson on a recent trip east. "Pearson told me I should give lectures," he said. "But I done it before. Once I spoke in Oxnard to 300 people. And another time, I spoke to a juvenile delinquency home in Banning." "When you drive an expensive car and wear expensive clothes," I asked Mickey, "isn't it going to be hard to prove your point that crime doesn't pay?" "I don't dress expensive," he replied. "I'm just neat." I asked him what arguments he'd use to show that crime doesn't pay. "I'll use me as an example," he said. "I'll them it's no good when you're notorious and you've got people pointing at you all the time. "And," he added, "when you're harassed and bothered all the time by the police, it just don't pay." He explained to me that the tentative format for his tour would be a lecture, followed by a question-and-answer session. "Suppose somebody in the audience asks you how you can look so prosperous with no visible means of support, Mickey? How would you answer that?" He was thoughtful, but only for the briefest moment. "I'll tell them," he said, "that I got a big borrowing capacity. "Besides," he went on, "I'll be getting paid, remember? I used to do those lectures as favors. I didn't know there was dough in it." Mickey admitted that he had some qualms about facing women's clubs around the country, but what he liked best was "straight from the shoulder" talks to juvenile delinquents. Wants to Help a Little "Like that time in Banning, he said, "I told those kids that if I could get one of them to go straight, I'd feel I done something." I asked Mickey if he planned to make a specialty of lecturing to juveniles. He shrugged. "I don't know whether the agency will book me in them places. I don't think those institutions have that kind of dough." The lecture agency, which books speakers for the United States, Canada and Hawaii, has numbered among its clients Sen. Paul Douglas, Dr. Robert M. Hutchins, Drew Pearson, Sen. J. William Fulbright and Vice Admiral Munson. The agency's spokeswoman assured me that such company wouldn't be too fast for Mickey. "Our clients are all top men," she said, "but after all, Mr. Cohen, in a sense, was a captain of industry in his field. "I think he'll be a tremendous hit with the women," she added. "He's really quite captivating."  Then, with a sigh, she concluded: "But maybe I'm prejudiced. I've always been intrigued by cops and robbers."

Governor Urged to Revive Crime Commission; A Dodger Retires

"Hey! Come Back Here!"

County Supervisor Kenneth Hahn calls on Gov. Pat Brown to reactivate the state crime commission after reports of organized crime in California, while Mickey Cohen calls the whole matter a joke. "It's ridiculous. These false statements that I have killed a whole lot of people is bad. I have to go to trial again in federal court Friday. How can I get a fair, unbiased trial when such reports are prejudicing the public against me?" Cohen says. A typical Times editorial cartoon of the 1950s, before the advent of Paul Conrad.   Cohen also disputes allegations that Jimmy "The Weasel" Fratianno is a Mafia executioner. "He doesn't have the ability nor is he the type of person to carry out what the committee says he did," Cohen says.  Mrs. Heliodor Cyr shows off her 27th child.

I rarely run The Times' old editorials because they are embarrassing (The U.S. doesn't need a federal anti-lynching law ... We shouldn't accept Jewish refugees, etc.). This one is especially noteworthy: Diplomatic recognition of Red China would be morally wrong.   At left,a little fraternity prank at San Diego State involving George Roach.

Liberace wins his libel suit against the London Daily Mirror.   Right now, the U.S. is putting mice in space, but in 10 years, we may send men to the moon -- maybe. Rod Steiger in "Al Capone."

Hey Jalopniks! Check it out! Brew 102 is made with the finest ingredients but only costs $1.09 per six-pack. That's $7.96 is 2008 dollars. Above, a TV show consisting entirely of commercials. Obviously KTTV Channel 11 was ahead of its time.

One of the Boys of Summer retired and The Times reacted as if the paper published in Brooklyn. Pitcher Carl Erskine called it a career after 122 victories. He started with the Dodgers in 1948 and his best season was 1953 when he went 20-6. But Los Angeles sportswriters clearly would miss his character more than his arm. Sports editor Paul Zimmerman credited Erskine for his "work with youth, his Sunday school teaching, his exemplary conduct on and off the field." Frank Finch said he was "the finest gentleman it has been our good fortune to meet in 30 years of sports writing. To say that Oisk is a credit to the game is damning him with faint praise. He is more than that; he is a credit to the human race." That might say a lot about Erskine or something about the other people Finch ran into all those years. The Times--OK, Finch--seemed to get rather nostalgic about an end of an era. "First it was Preacher Roe who hung up his glove, then Billy Cox, then Jackie Robinson, then Roy Campanella, then Pee Wee Reese and now Carl Erskine has called it quits. Who's next?" Finch wrote. No doubt, the Brooklyn Dodgers had a great run but only the final two players listed spent any time in Los Angeles. And wasn't the Dodgers' first season disappointing in large part because many of the old regulars were still around?                   ::                               The Dodgers swept the Braves, 10-2 and 4-0, to move closer to the top of the National League standings. Sandy Koufax and Danny McDevitt, described as the Dodgers' "youngish southpaws," pitched back-to-back gems. And Jim Gilliam started the first game with a home run over the short screen in left field against Milwaukee's ace Warren Spahn. --Keith Thursby

Police Hunt Gunmen as Officer Fights for Life; Dodgers Win, May 1, 1959

May 1, 1959: Another LAPD officer is shot in the line of duty. Robert D. Cody will survive being hit in the stomach with a shotgun blast because his Sam Browne belt blocked some of the pellets.

A police commissioner predicts a criminal "Pearl Harbor" after Mayor Poulson proposes a $6-million cut in the LAPD budget. A family brawl in Lennox ends when Billy Chance, 17, shoots his father in the head with a .45-caliber revolver. The fight began when William Chance's wife, Frieda, threatened to leave him. And there's Mickey Cohen and Candy Barr!

A look at stresses in the workforce as young employees pressure older people to retire and make way for them. Nixon will take the 1960 presidential election, Times political columnist Raymond Moley says. Will Democratic Sen. John F. Kennedy's Catholic faith help him or hurt him if he is a candidate for president?  "Ferd'nand" seems to be about Mrs. Ferd'nand smuggling a new dress into the house.

Sandy Koufax struggled, Duke Snider ran for his life and still the Dodgers won. They beat the Phillies, 6-4, ending a long losing streak in Philadelphia and keeping them in a virtual tie with the Milwaukee Braves for first place. Koufax was wild and didn't finish the fourth inning. The Dodgers didn't know what to do with him--he had yet to win a game in April during his career. "We can't seem to get Sandy to stop aiming the ball," Manager Walt Altson told The Times' Frank Finch. "We all know Sandy can be tough once he gets in the groove, but getting him there is the problem." Snider hit an inside the park home run to give the Dodgers the lead for good. His drive hit the top of the right-center field wall and the ball rebounded into foul territory. Snider, sore knee and all, scored standing up. The pitching hero was Art Fowler, who became best known as Billy Martin's traveling pitching coach for several of his managerial stops. Fowler had two saves with the Dodgers in 1959, and this was one of them. This was Fowler's only season with the Dodgers. He played for the Angels from 1961-64. --Keith Thursby

Paul Coates -- April 18, 1959

Ventura County Vice Jury May Call Cohen BY PAUL COATES Staff Columnist Former gambling czar Mickey Cohen may be called before a Ventura County grand jury to discuss his possible connection with prostitution, commercial sex parties and organized crime in Oxnard and Ventura, I learned today. Ventura County law enforcement officers have launched a full-scale probe of a ring which assertedly panders to Hollywood playboys for pastimes now denied them in the rigid confines of the Sunset Strip. Woman's Tip Told The investigation, by police in Oxnard and Ventura and the district attorney's office, was touched off when a former, self-confessed prostitute blew the whistle on what she termed syndicated crime in Ventura County. She also charged that the gangster invasion of Oxnard and Ventura was masterminded by "certain gentlemen from Detroit." But the organization, she alleges, has connections in Los Angeles and many customers she entertained traveled from L.A. and surrounding communities. Cohen Call Told Cohen's name was introduced to the case when a source close to the district attorney's office said the some-time racketeer may be included in future grand jury subpoena lists. Mickey, of course, denied any connection with prostitution anywhere. "Look," he told me, "you know my record. I've never been mixed up in either prostitution or narcotics." I asked him if he was on friendly terms with a certain businessman in Oxnard and if, according to allegations, he had visited the man on several occasions. Friend of Friend "I have a friend who owns a bar in Oxnard," he began, then interrupted himself. "No, that's not right. I know a guy whose brother runs a bar in Oxnard." That's all Mickey had to say on the subject. Woodruff Deem, chief criminal complaint deputy for Ventura Dist. Atty Roy Gustafson, told me that his office is heading up the vice probe. Thus far, grand jurors have heard testimony from 28 witnesses, including the former prostitute. Other witnesses who appeared before the jury last March 30 include prominent Oxnard businessmen. They refused to talk with reporters about their testimony. The former prostitute assertedly told jurors that she had been the star attraction at numerous parties arranged by the gangster element. She also charged, it is understood, that one Oxnard businessmen's organization sponsored some of the stag parties, which featured nude dancing by girls, the showing of lewd films, and mingling of male guests and female "stars" before the assembled group. Party 'Bait' In fact, she reportedly told the jury, she was used as a lure to tempt men to join the group. "They'd promise prospective members that they could 'date me' if they'd join," she said. She charged that eight girls were employed by the syndicate to operate in at least four nightclubs in Oxnard and Ventura. The girls' total take was estimated to be in excess of $5,600 a week, with much more going to the organization's male leaders. Was Confident  Oxnard Police Chief Al Jewell conceded that his office felt it had a "strong case" when he took it to the district attorney's office. Is he disappointed that his investigation hasn't resulted in indictments by the grand jury? "Well," he answered carefully, "as a law enforcement officer I am always interested in results." The alleged vice activities reportedly began about three years ago during a community battle in Oxnard over the selection of a new police chief. Crime Fighter Subsequently, Chief Jewell, a nominee and dedicated fighter against  crime, was selected to lead the Police Department after considerable pressure was brought to bear on the City Council. Lee Grimes, managing editor of the Oxnard Press-Courier and grand jury foreman, has refused to discuss the probe, even with his own reporters. Deputy Dist. Atty Deem, pressed for an answer on the infiltration of Detroit hoodlums, would only say: "Well, we do know that there are certain Detroit people in business here." Fatherhood Charged The self-confessed prostitute, who said she made between $200 and $300 on weekends from her illicit activities, ignited the investigation after a businessman refused to acknowledge her child, a boy she claims was fathered by him. In her discussions with law enforcement officers, she assertedly charged that one of her sisters in the world's oldest business had been murdered by the syndicate to prevent her escaping its clutches.

Mickey Cohen at Center of Underworld Probe; Comedy of Errors at Wrigley Field, April 2, 1949

The San Bernardino County Grand Jury finds widespread corruption in the Sheriff's Department. What do we find in the 1949 paper but Mickey Cohen in the middle of the Alfred Pearson scandal. To vastly simply the story, Pearson picked up a $4,000 house for $26.50 at a marshal's sale after he brought a lien against the owner -- a widow -- for an $8 bill at his radio repair shop. Cohen talks about this incident at length in his autobiography, claiming that Mayor Fletcher Bowron wanted him to "take care of" Pearson because Pearson was unfairly exploiting the law. Also notice the late Sam Rummel, attorney who was shot to death outside his home in December 1950. The Times called him "underworld mouthpiece" Sam Rummel.

Alfred Pearson offers a deal to return the widow's home. San Bernardino County Sheriff James Stocker denies corruption charges. Susan Hayward has as good as signed a deal for "My Foolish Heart," based on a J.D. Salinger story. Just a guess but I think "Nancy" is referring to a Ponzi scheme ... and we have a seriously unfunny "Ferd'nand."

I'm no baseball purist. Low-scoring games bore me as do contests filled with well-executed plays by highly compensated stars. Maybe it has something to do with all the years I spent watching Little League games but I find baseball is best when it's unpredictable. My two sons went with me to spring training in Arizona recently and we saw two games in one day, a crisp Angels game in Tempe followed by a wild and sloppy Giants game in Scottsdale that included a nine-run inning and several horrible plays. I'll take the Giants game any day. The old Los Angeles Angels won such a contest at Wrigley Field, defeating the Seattle Rainiers 12-10. But as The Times' Al Wolf wrote, "They really didn't win at all." Carmen Mauro's pinch-hit, three-run home run was the difference with two outs in the ninth inning. If things were only that simple. With one out, Dick Wilson struck out and reached first base when the ball got away from the catcher. The runner at first advanced to second. Wilson should have been out automatically--a hitter can't advance on a strikeout if there's a runner already at first. That should have been the second out. Eddie Malone popped out and that should have been the ballgame. Instead that was the second out. Mauro then homered. The Rainiers should have protested and they did--in the first inning over a completely different matter. "[Seattle] Manager Jo-Jo White ... fell asleep--along with the umpires and all the Seattle players--when he had a real kick coming in the ninth and fateful inning," Wolf wrote. They missed some ending. --Keith Thursby

Paul Coates -- Confidential File, March 25, 1959

Confidential File Quiet Costs Merely $14 for 15 Minutes RIPLEY, Tenn, (AP) -- A businessman who doesn't like rock 'n' roll music bought 15 minutes of radio time yesterday and devoted almost all of it to silence. James W. Porter began his quarter-hour on station WTRB by shattering several records and then proposing a national "Can the Racket League." Now there, I thought, is a man after my own ear. I thought it just before picking up the phone to initiate a long-distance friendship with Mr. James W. Porter of Ripley, Tenn. "Mr. Porter?" I asked the pleasant drawl which answered. (It wasn't one of those deep, chitlin and black-eyed peas types of Southern drawls. Just the kind that has a hint of ham hock in it). "This is James W. Portah," he replied. "Can ah help you?" "Well, Mr. Porter," I said, "I'm a reporter." "There was the briefest moment of silent confusion. Finally, he said: "How's that again? Say your name is Portah, too?" We worked our way out of that small dilemma well within the three-minute time limit. When he understood that I was a "reportah" from Los Angeles, I asked him to tell me what he did for a living down there in Ripley. "You aren't by any chance a music critic?" I wanted to know. "No, suh, ah'm not," he replied. "Ah'm a tobacco growah by trade. Grow the finest brand of tobacco in Tennessee." It took a little effort, but I was able to stop myself just short of asking him if he thought that everyone should grow his brand of tobacco. Instead, I got right to the point. "Mr. Porter, is it true that you bought 15 minutes of radio time just because you didn't like rock 'n' roll?" And that you devoted the time to silence?" "You not jus' whistlin' Dixie, son," he said. "That's what ah did. Daw'gonnest thing evah happened to me. Ah got nationwide publicity. They even wrote me up in the Miami papers. Imagine that! Ah didn't think the story'd evah get outside of Memphis. nothing evah does. "Why, ah even got a call from some Yankee up in Chicago. Mean to tell you, the old boy got real nasty with me." "How's come?" I asked. (I'm highly suggestible). "Tole me to mind my own business. Asked what ah got against rock 'n' roll. Jus' tole him ah don't think rock 'n' roll is music. An, mistah, ah don't!" "Well," I asked, "don't the radio stations down there play anything else?" "Some," he said. "We get country music. And Grand Ole Opry. But," he added dramatically, "we jus' don't evah get any Lawrence Welk." Mr. Porter let that sink in a moment then went on: "Thass an ole boy ah can REALLY listen to, that Lawrence Welk. How about you?" "I don't dig him," I said. "Say what?" Mr. Porter asked. "Tell me," I said, switching the subject away from that dangerous area, "how much does 15 minutes of silence cost on a Ripley radio station?" "Ah paid 14 dollahs," he chuckled. "Course it's a small station. Probably cost considerable more over in Memphis. Ever'thing does." "Mr. Porter," I said. "Just one more question. Have you got a favorite song?" "Well, suh," he replied, "Ah'm a tobacco man. So ah'm partial to ..." " 'Smoke Gets in Your Eyes' " I chanced. "Son," Mr. Porter assured me, "you ain't just whistlin' Dixie."

Mickey Cohen in Senate Racket Probe; Drysdale Throws Shutout, March 25, 1959

At first, I thought this would be great for my lead art ...

... next, I thought this would be even better...

... but "Nancy" wins. Ernie Bushmiller's comic is usually timeless, but here's a rare topical reference to the blacklists.

No smog today. Revolt against Red China spreads across Tibet ... Gen. Curtis E. Lemay warns that the U.S. has a fleet of 1,000 bombers carrying nuclear weapons in the event of a world crisis ... A man is accused of strangling his estranged wife when she rejected his attempts at reconciliation ... Pope John XXIII gets 12 motorcycles during a papal audience with world motorcycle champions ... Elizabeth Ann Duncan, convicted in a plot to kill her daughter-in-law, is deemed legally sane. She will become the fourth woman to be executed in California. Mickey Cohen and Fred Sica take the 5th Amendment during a Senate investigation into the alleged shakedown of a cigarette machine company. Look for Fred Otash!

Mickey Cohen, Part 1 Mickey Cohen, Part 2

Why it's "Moon Mullins," which used to appear on the cover of the Chicago Tribune's sports section. The Dodgers clinch deals with Don Drysdale, Sandy Koufax and Johnny Podres as starters. Clem Labine and Johnny Klippstein "are set for bullpen duty," The Times says.

Paul Coates -- Confidential File, March 7, 1959

CONFIDENTIAL FILE Inactivated Barber Makes Superb Clip Any man who can overcome a handicap like an underactive thyroid and make a name for himself in show business, is, in my book, all right. Therefore, to wit, I like Perry Como. True, he makes me yawn. But it's not because he, personally, bores me, personally. It's just that -- as anybody knows -- yawning is contagious. The reason I mentioned Perry in the first place is because I read a significant item about him in yesterday's paper. According to the story, he got together with a few Kraft Food Co. moguls over some pimento cheese spread and crackers, and signed a television contract which will gross him $25 million in the next two years. Frankly, I'm happy for Perry. If the Kraft Food Co. thinks he's worth that much, that's their business. Maybe his mother values him even higher. The only thing I'm against is the indelicate way his press agent blabbed it all over town. It's making a bum out of the rest of us. Collectively. All over America today, wives are glaring meaningfully at their husbands, most of whom have perfect thyroids. The equilibrium of the American home has been upset, just because Perry and his new bosses couldn't keep a secret. Twenty-five million dollars is a lot of money -- more than some of us earn in a whole lifetime. But personally, I'm not envious. In fact, if I'd been sitting at that negotiation table in place of Perry, I'm not so sure that I would have signed. Certainly, I would have checked into my prospective employers a little more carefully than he did. I would have found out, for example, something about working conditions. There are some cheeses I don't like the smell of. I'd make sure there weren't any of those stacked around near my desk space. Then, there's the matter of paid vacations. Fringe benefits. Promotion programs. And coffee breaks. What I'm trying to say is, the salary's all right. But it's the little considerations that really make an employee feel comfortable, feel wanted, in his job. In a Cheesey Sort of Way As for future prospects with the company, I guess that Kraft is a solid-enough organization. But remember, the contract that Perry signed was for television shows. Granted, the medium of television is a pretty popular one right now. It's new, though. Sort of in the fad stage. That's the final point, which I wonder if Perry bothered to take into consideration: Is television here to stay? But come to think of it, even if TV isn't here to stay, Perry's got it made. He could always go back to being a barber and, at the price of haircuts today, he'd still be a millionaire.

Paul Coates -- Confidential File, January 15, 1959

CONFIDENTIAL FILE Mother Knows Best (She Says So Herself) REPORT FROM A BOY'S BEST FRIEND: Deep down in the grimy recesses of my mind lives the unreasonable conviction that, in my dear mother's eyes, I'm a bum. As I say, there is no rational basis for this. My mother is a sweet, inoffensive, prematurely gray, little lady who thinks I'm too young to be married and is quietly certain that my wife is systematically starving me to death. Other than this one small prejudice, her whole philosophy in life, she keeps telling me, is: "If you can't say something nice about somebody, don't say nothing." And I keep telling her, "That's a double negative." To the best of my knowledge, she has never gone around knocking me behind my back. In fact, she always speaks very highly of me. And, for the record, I do of her. But I cannot escape the gnawing feeling that she really thinks me unworthy. As a result, I'm constantly trying to prove myself to her. And yesterday I tried again. After getting what old newshands like Lee Tracy would call a "scoop" by interviewing Anastas Mikoyan, I rushed to the long-distance phone and got my mother. "Mom?" I shouted into the phone. "Just thought I'd call and tell you I had an exclusive interview with Mikoyan." "That's a nice way for a son to start a conversation," she replied. "I beg your pardon?" I said. "A boy calls his mother who is three thousand miles away," she explained. "No hello. No 'How do you feel, Mom?' " "Hello, Mom," I said meekly. "Hello, Sonny," she replied. "How do you feel?" "Don't ask!" she snapped. There was, you will forgive me, a pregnant pause. Then I continued, enthusiastically: "Anyway, dear, about this interview. I though you'd like to know that I . . ." "I already know," she interrupted. "You interviewed the Russian." "How did you know?" "My neighbor," she said. "She read something about you in today's New York Journal-American." "What'd it say?" I asked. "You don't know?" I shouted. "Didn't you buy a copy?" "We don't take the Journal-American," my mother answered. "We take the World-Telegram." After a moment, she added: "How did you talk to him?" "To who?" I asked. "To whom," she corrected. "To Mikoyan. How did you interview him? You don't speak Russian. He doesn't speak English." I explained that the Soviet's deputy premier had an interpreter with him. 'Got to Watch Them' "Umm, hmm," she said sagely. "And how do you know that the interpreter gave you the right answers?" "Well, Mom," I told her, "I just assumed that . . ." "You've got to watch them," she warned me. "Anyway," I said weakly, "I just thought I'd call you." "What else is new?" she demanded. I assured her that nothing else was new. "Are you eating enough?" she said. "I saw a picture of you and you looked thin." I assured her that it wasn't a picture of me. "That smog out there is pretty bad," she suggested. I assured her that it was. "Good night, Sonny. And try to get some sleep for a change. You sound sick to me," she said ominously. I assured her I was and then said good night.