Matt Weinstock, Feb. 17, 1960
February 17, 2010 | 4:00 pm
The Golfo Nuevo Case
It distressed me no end to read how the Argentine Navy bungled things with the unidentified submarine trapped in Golfo Nuevo. First reports stated the sub had been crippled by depth charges and 13 Argentine warships were standing by to prevent its escaping through the narrow outlet of the Golfo and to force it to surface and surrender.
Then there was the story that the depth charges weren't hitting deep enough and the Argentine Navy was borrowing some of ours, at which point a raised eyebrow is permissible.
In between there was a report that a second sub was acting as a decoy to enable the damaged one to sneak out to sea. Also that a frogman's body had been found.
FINALLY the dispatch came through stating the sub may have escaped and maybe it wasn't Russian after all but perhaps one of ours, out there playing games.
Mostly what came out of Buenos Aires, 650 miles from the Golfo, was confusion.
It is apparent to anyone who took a course in Chaos 1-A at any university that Argentine officials have sadly lacked imagination in this dilemma.
Obviously the sub was really a German U-boat, the Flying Dutchman, that has been roaming the seas since the end of WW II and that frogman tossed out was Adolf Hitler with his mustache shaved off.
The way I reconstruct things, out of my wide experience with confusion, the commander of the sub, Marlon Brando, and his crew have been keeping the old tub going by piracy, stopping occasionally at the island of Bula Bula in the South Pacific to say hello to the girls and refuel. There's this one girl, Gina Lollobrigida, who has a crush on Marlon. But he must go on and on, see. That's the way it has to be. So she sits under a banyan tree and yearns for him.
Meanwhile, back at the latitudes and longitudes, the sub has been building a lot of nuisance value. There are people along the California coast, for instance, who think they see a gray whale now and then heading for its mating grounds. Gray whale,Hah!
Come to think of it, the movie may have already been completed at 20th Century Fox and the Golfo Nuevo bit is the publicity buildup.
AS THE lady writers on the People page are always saying, a teenager's life these days is fraught with delicate problems.
Take the case of the father who signed his 15-year-old daughter into a suburban hospital to await motherhood. Her husband is a sailor, presently at sea.
As the father finished with the paper work, he instructed the head nurse, "By the way, don't serve her any coffee. She doesn't drink it. She's too young."
REMEMBER HOW H.L. Mencken used to rant about "tonsorial artist" replacing "barber" in the language? Fortunately he isn't around any more. The old iconoclast would have blown his top at "tonsorialectomyst," which appeared in an ad for a barbershop in a Pomona paper.
Furthermore, John Grover received a notice from N.Y. press agent announcing that a Soviet-made film. "The Sword and the Dragon," soon to be shown in this country, is taken from an ancient Russian "folklorical" legend.
On guard, everyone, they are coming in on the flank.
AT RANDOM -- Colleen Clement, Rolling Hills fourth grader, said it: "I know how to tell them apart -- Lincoln as the beard and Washington has the pony tail!" . . . Jack Jarvis, Seattle columnist, has whipped up another batch of fictitious clubs on his home printing press and sent me membership cards. Included are the I'm in a Rat Race and the Rats Are Winning Association, the Ignorance in Action Association and the Non-Conform My Way Association . . . Tom Cracraft says both NBC and Jack Paar seem to have gone faar too faar.