Paul V. Coates – Confidential File, Jan. 23, 1960
January 23, 2010 | 2:00 pm
Mash Notes and Comment
(Press Release) "As far as space travel is concerned, a big bosom is a bust -- according to an article in the new issue of Look magazine.
"Although pulchritude may be an asset here on earth, a group of authorities on space travel agreed today that the first woman wishing to soar into orbit must have at least one qualification:
"She must be flat-chested . . ." (signed) Look Magazine, New York City.
--If there ARE people in outer space, that's a hell of a way to make friends with them.
(Christmas card, postmarked Jan. 18) "I cannot think of anything better to say to you than MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR." (signed) Duke Ellington, Chicago.
--It took you long enough to think of even that.
"Dear Mr. Coates:
"I was a comedy writer for radio, TV and the movies from 1943-1952. (Dinah Shore, Alan Young, Frank Sinatra, Jimmy Durante) I also spent two years as a gag writer for a motion picture studio, and two years writing commercials fro a radio-TV station.
"For the past seven years I've been out of the field. Now, with a wife and two children to look after, it's hard to get around to make the needed contacts.
"I'd like to get together with you for an interview. Shall I bring my scrapbook? My background includes:
"Wrote for Duffy's Tavern on radio.
"Poems and short stories published in magazines.
"Ghost-writer, taxicab driver, circus roustabout, parking lot attendant.
"Jaw broken by a baseball.
"had three cartoon ideas published in same issue of Saturday Evening Post.
"Fell off a freight train.
"Western Union boy in Miami, Fla.
"Almost drowned twice.
"Wrote by-line column for two small-town newspapers.
"Was knocked out in the grease pit of a gasoline station.
"Appeared as contestant on 'People Are Funny' radio show.
"Fell out of a taxicab.
"Wrote about 100 items published in newspapers.
"Shot at by moonshiners.
"Attended a dozen Kentucky Derbies, once riding a bicycle eight miles with my leg in a cast to get there.
"Traveled thousands of miles carrying two bottles of whiskey from Ireland.
""Was passenger in plane that made emergency landing in Nova Scotia.
"While waiting for an elevator, was bitten on leg by a small boy.
"Entered contest and won first prize of trip from Los Angeles to Switzerland . . . " (signed) Dave Kohnhorst, Los Angeles.
--You didn't really win it, Dave. The insurance companies were just trying to get you out of town.
(Press Release) "In ever increasing numbers, the American swoops across the sea to Europe and then swoops home again. He has a clear image in his mind of the Italian, the Englishman and the Frenchman.
"Inevitably he wonders: What do they think of me?
Famous Natives Respond
"Responding in the new issue of Esquire magazine are three famous natives of Italy, England and France -- Alberto Moravia, Malcolm Muggeridge and Andre Maurois.
"Stressing the superficiality of any characterizations made on the basis of mere nationality, Alberto Moravia, nonetheless, makes some pertinent observations on the American in Italy, concluding that Americans and Italians get along together 'swimmingly.'
"Not so in England, however, where according to Malcolm Muggeridge, the American is indulged because of his historical kinship to the English.
" 'The American in England,' writes the former Punch editor in Esquire, 'whether consciously or unconsciously, deliberately or accidentally, gives the impression of much preferring America.' . . . " (signed) Esquire Magazine, New York City.
--Cheeky lot, those Colonials, eh, Muggeridge?