Matt Weinstock, Dec. 25, 1959

Ribbing St. Nick     In December, 1823, Clement Clarke Moore (1779-1863) wrote a poem titled "A Visit From St. Nicholas" which, as everyone knows, began: 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring -- not even a mouse; The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.     I keep wondering what old Clem would think if he knew what has been done to his timeless verse.     The most noted parody for years has been the paisano version "Feliz Navidad, Amigos!" which includes this lilting bit: Santa is down at the corner saloon, Muy borracho since mid-afternoon. Mama is sitting beside la ventana Shining her rolling pin para manana.      This year parodies busted loose all over the place.  Some sort of compulsion seems to have gripped people to create their own.     The Mt. Washington Star, monthly stencil-printed newspaper published by two youngsters, Ed Carpenter and Pete Coonradt, had a Christmas Fable with this couplet: Santa was dressed all in red     and he looked just     like granny, The only thing was,     he needed Vic Tanny. Rich Fowler cut loose     with one which began: 'Twas the night before     pay day and all     through the house The women were stirring     and starting to grouse; "We need shopping     money!" was the gist     of their plaint-- But I showed them my     pockets, where money     there ain't.     Noel Toy and Carleton Young uncorked a 28-stanza job for their Christmas card which opened: 'Twas the night before     Christmas and all     through the pad Not a creature was stirring,     not even old dad. The chick had her nylons     draped on a chair (This Freudian slip showed     she's still a bit square.) I said, "Babe, this whole     Christmas kick is a rig, Just stop with that jazz     before I flip my wig. He's taking payola,     this Santa Claus creep So quit bugging me and     go on back to sleep. ::     SPEAKING OF parodies, every year about this time I get to thinking of comedian Fred Allen and the classic satire on "The Christmas Carol" he repeated annually.  In it he played a reluctant and depressed St. Nick who found the world in such a sad state that he announced, "I ain't agoin' to ride tonight!"     But such were the pleadings of a small boy that he finally agreed and as he harnessed his reindeer and took off, he shouted his unforgettable "Maaayreee Christmas!"     Fred's death in 1956 was one of the great losses of the departing decade. ::     AMONG OTHER reasons why postal clerks get gray was an incident overheard by a lady named Nola in the branch post office at 9th and Broadway.  A sweet little lady asked the clerk, "Do you have 1-cent stamps?"  He said yes and she wanted 12 of them.  As she dug in her purse she added thoughtlessly, "How much will 12 of them be?" ::     HERE AND THERE -- Melissa Caron isn't claiming a record but her hands are numb from gift wrapping more than 1,000 packages for a Brentwood drugstore . . . A beleaguered salesgirl in a Crenshaw Blvd. store was overheard muttering, "With all this confusion I'll be surprised if Santa over there doesn't get gift-wrapped" . . . Lady on the phone: "We all know Christmas has its commercial aspects but I think some stores sunk to a new low this year, I received a brochure from one store describing the very gifts I'd just bought -- but at reduced prices.  For instance, I paid $2.90 for a child's present and it was advertised in the after-Christmas sale for $1.77.  I think they could have waited a few days." ::     FOOTNOTES -- You'd hardly recognize Jayne Mansfield on her Christmas card family portrait- she wears a black wig . . . Actor Marc and writer Fanya Lawrence broke loose from the chains of tradition in their card.  It states, "Merry Christmas and a Glad New Year."  Instead of happy . . . Fate worse than death dep't .: A young woman on Broadway was overheard telling a companion, "The minute I heard about their divorce I cut them off my Christmas card list!" . . . Lady named Mary Louise: "Every Christmas I hope I'll get two things- a square cut emerald and half a dozen dish towels.  I made it 50% again -- the dish towels."