Paul V. Coates – Confidential File, Nov. 21, 1959
November 21, 2009 | 2:00 pm
Mash Notes and Comment
"Mr. Paul Coates, dear friend:
"About 2 1/2 months ago you called me at 12 a.m. and asked me if I could tell you who was President in 1875.
"I didn't know and I didn't win the stove. I'm not too sorry because I don't like stoves.
"You told me, however, that I would get some prize but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was. So far I haven't got anything from you.
"My neighbors claim that I never heard from you, so please answer this to straighten things out." (signed) Mrs. Theresa Herron, Glen Ellen, Calif.
--It wasn't me who called you at 12 a.m. I know who was President in 1875.
"I feel silly writing this letter, but the boss is out and I've got nothing else to do so why not?
"I'm a secretary with a problem. A funny problem, maybe, but it's beginning to get to me. It's about - you suggested it -- my BOSS.
"He's one of these practical jokers. Tacks on my chair. That kind of thing.
"One time he pinned a sign on the back of my coat and I didn't discover it until I got back to my apartment. It said, 'Danger Explosives,' and boy did he get a kick out of razzing me on that one.
Between the Cheese and Ham
"I've been putting up with this for about two years now, so the other day when he sent me out for his sandwich, I decided to get even. I typed on a little slip of paper, 'Help! I'm locked in the icebox,' and stuck it in his sandwich between the cheese and the ham.
"From my desk I can watch him eating, and I kept waiting for him to find it to watch his expression, but he didn't. He ate it!
"Everyday for a week I kept putting the same note in but the jerk kept eating them. Finally, I wrote it on a piece of cardboard to be sure that he'd find it.
"He ate that one, too!
"Now I can't help laughing when he's eating and he keeps calling out to me what am I laughing about? Then I get hysterical. Naturally, I can't tell him because he's eaten so many notes now if he gets sick he'd blame me.
Time for a Change
"I think I better start job hunting. Every time I look at him I break out in giggles.
"Incidentally, I type 60 words a minute, take Gregg shorthand like a whiz and have a VERY presentable appearance. If your secretary is worn out, why not give me a call????" (signed) Mitzi, L.A.
--I would, Mitzi, but cardboard repeats on me.
(Press Release) "Ask and ye shall receive!!!
"Ira Cook, KMPC's genial disc jockey, found out that there is more to this saying than meets the eye.
"Last week Cook lamented on the air that one of the toughest chores he is faced with daily is finding a pen to sign the KMPC log.
"He asked his listeners to send him a pen if they might have a spare around their desks.
"To his amazement, Ira received more than 1,500 pens since his request.
"Largest shipment of more than 200 came from Standard Brands, Inc.
"Ira is wondering now if he asked for a trip to the moon whether one of his listeners would come up with it." (signed) Publicity Dept.,KMPC, Hollywood.
--I can't swing the moon, Ira, but I'll give you bus fare out of town.