Stop the presses--Big Tiny Little quits the Lawrence Welk show. Below, Scott Joplin's "Maple Leaf Rag" reduced to "rinky tink piano" crapola.
Mash Notes and Comments
(Press Release) "The Adventures of Learning in College," a guide for the young persons who seeks profit from his college years, will be published by Harper & Brothers on Aug. 5 . . ." (signed) Stuart Harris, Publicity Director, Harper & Brothers, New York City.
-- It were an adventure, weren't it, Stu.
"Paul, I got a letter from Memphis Ward. I want to get something straight. Memphis says one of your readers said I had hallatusions.
"Paul, I don't dream these things I write you about up. They happen to me.
"Every morning in this bar where I work a bird flies in the back door. He flies around the bar and chirps away at me. I feed him peanuts.
"Then he flies away but the next morning at 9 a.m. he is right back to see me.
"We are pals.
"Paul, people that think I have hallitousions have never been out in this world and seen things like me.
"I have been to the Grand Canyon. I went to Mexico to look for a gold mine. I have been to Colma Calif. where Sutter discovered gold.
"I have been a bouncer on the San Francisco water front. I started the first taxi on Bayshore highway south of San Francisoco. I started the first boys boxing club of Palo Alto my old home town I moved out of forever.
"I crashed Hollywood and worked in a movie with Greer Garson. In 1935 I was a beach comber at Santa Monica and boxing at Ocean Park and Redondo Beach. I was in the reform school Preston Calif.
"I could go on and on with the true story of my life, but anyway Paul tell your readers that I don't have hallitoutions." (signed) Parkey Sharkey, The Oasis Beer Garden, 241 El Camino Real, Menlo Park.
-- I would, Parkey, but I don't know how to spell it.
(Press Release) "Of the 36 million pounds of snuff consumed by Americans last year, less than 1% was sniffed.
"That's right! Twentieth century snuffers, following the lead of their pioneer forefathers who established the product's trend fromblueblood to redblood use, prefer to taste rather than smell the flavored tobacco.
"Seeing as they modernized the ancient snuff-taking ritual -- eliminating the cumbersome snuffbox, the lace hanky and other distracting frills -- it's little wonder that present-day snuff users call to mind the spirit of the rugged, independent Colonists whenever this one's heard: 'I've Had It!'" (signed) Snuff Information Center, 250 Park Ave., New York City.
-- So have I. Let's get the hell out of here.
"Dear Mr. Coates,
"I've never written a fan letter before in my life, but I enjoy your column so much I felt an urge to write and let you know.
"I appreciate your frankness and your worthwhile items about things that concern all of us, or should. You bring things to light that most writers would not dare. It's very seldom that you run across a man as good-looking as you are who also has brains.
"I wish they would write about you in the movie magazines so we could find out if you're married and where you are from and all. By the way, do you have a wife?" (signed) Kathleen M., Los Angeles
-- Yes, but she doesn't understand me like you do.