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Matt Weinstock -- July 23, 1959

July 23, 2009 |  4:00 pm

Song of the Islands

Matt Weinstock Don't get him wrong, writer Don Quinn loves the Hawaiian Islands. But during his latest visit -- his 17th, by the way, from which he has just returned -- be became painfully aware of the natives' passionate regard for "The Wedding Song" or "Ke Kali Ne Au."

It is played a dozen times an evening in some Honolulu night clubs and barroom jukeboxes, and has achieved the status of sacred music as if it were comparable to "Rock of Ages" or "Abide With Me." Anyone who dares talk while it is played is glared at or shushed. 

It isn't a bad tune as such tunes go, but Don, an individualist, resents being brainwashed. And this is to alert our 50th state that he is working on a companion piece. Soon, when anyone gets weary of hearing "Ke Kali Ne Au" he will be able to put another dime in the slot and hear Don's tune, "The Divorce Song" or "Pei Ali Mo Ni Nau."


ON THE LANGUAGE-MANGLING front, this is to report that Ivan Nemo's young nephew solemnly advised him the other day that the longest word in English now has 32 letters instead of the former 28. A crazy, familiar trend is responsible. The word isantidisestablishmentarianismwise.

Let us all hold hands and jump off some convenient pier together.


A FRIEND phoned a lady named Viola, who has been down with bronchitis, and asked if there were anything she could do to help. Could she bring anything over or do the cooking or the cleaning? No, Viola said, everything was taken care of.

In a kind of frustrated afterthought the well-wisher asked, "Who's taking out your garbage?"


Remember the good old days
When odds were more than even
That what went up would come down
And not be a-leavin'?


A PANEL OF jurors was summoned for duty for a civil case in federal court Tuesday, and Judge William M. Bryne questioned them as to their eligibility. 

Had they heard or read about the case? Did they know any of the attorneys?

A woman in the jury box raised her hand and said excitedly she believed the defense attorney was a long-lost cousin.

Judge Byrne excused her and ordered a minute's recess while they embraced. And thus, reports Joe Drogichen, an alternate juror, Eloise Pattiz and Robert Sykes -- who hadn't seen each other for nearly 35 years -- were reunited.


ON ANOTHER legal level, Russell S. Kolemaine the same day was in traffic court, charged with cutting too sharply in making a left turn at Vermont and Melrose Aves.

Nothing unusual about that except that Kolemaine's job is making traffic exhibits for the LAPD for use in court cases and he'd prepared a graphic diagram of the factors involved in his own case.

It purported to show that the motorcycle officer was too far away to see the white lines at the intersection. Kolemaine had gotten a youngster to stand where the officer had been and measured his eyeball level. The judge, unimpressed, found him guilty and fined him $10.


AT RANDOM -- The business directory at Pacific Ocean Park reveals the following incorporated names: Up & Down Inc., which operates the roller coaster;Saltair Inc., which operates the Sea Tub; Deepest Deep, which plunges its customers into the depths; Hi-Lo Amusement, a diving bell outfit, and Up 'n Atom, Inc., which runs the PA system . . . With so many courtroom dramas showing up on TV, J. Robert Irons figures it's only a matter of time until one of them is titled, "Have Court, Will Gavel" . . . Frank Laro, who covers the beatnik beat, reports a new beachfront coffeehouse in Venice is named The Gas Chamber.