"All Our Plans ... in the Hands of a Woman With a Gun!"
Mash Notes and Comments"Dear Mr. Coates:
"Last Friday night, when I was exiting from my room, a beautiful 19-year-old Mexican senorita stopped me and proposed marriage to me.
"She said that if she married an American in the United States she would be able to stay here in this country.
"Paul, a thing like this would never have happened to me if it weren't for the fact that our nation has put so many of our eligible young men in uniform and shipped them overseas. She was truly a beauty, thin and graceful.
"In all my 57 years I have never sufficiently impressed any woman enough for her to consider becoming my wife.
"You can imagine my surprise.
"Paul, after talking to this young lady for several minutes, I asked her, 'Have you got a lot of money?'
"She replied, 'Not any.' Then I told her, I'm sorry, young lady, we can't get married.'
"She smiled and vanished.
"If she had had a thousand dollars I would not have hesitated for a minute."
(signed) Memphis Harry Lee Ward, P.O. Box 1963, Hollywood 28.
--That's the trouble with you, Harry. Too impulsive.
(Press Release) "Advice to Los Angeles Dodger baseball fans attending games at the Coliseum -- LOCK YOUR CARS!!
"Two KMPC staffers have had their vehicles looted during recent Dodger games at the Coliseum.
"On Monday evening at the Dodger-Cincinnati Redleg game, John Dickson's convertible was entered and pilferers made off with a pair of binoculars.
"At Sunday afternoon's Dodger-Braves fracas Johnny Grant's Thunderbird was broken into and thieves made off with two sweaters, a pair of baseballs autographed by the New York Yankees and a pair of horsehides with the Braves' signatures affixed.
"The robbers apparently overlooked two balls autographed by the Dodgers."
(signed) Publicity Dept., Radio Station KMPC, Hollywood.
--Overlooked, hell! There's no market for them.
"Mister Paul Coates:
"For some years I have been an interested follower of the motion pictures, theater, radio and television. Throughout these years I have known and loved many able performers and talented entertainers.
"Now I am forced to decide that I cannot watch television nor listen to the radio any longer.
"I have reached a position in which I simply cannot longer endure the Bufferin, the Anacin, The Man Who Thinks for Himself, nor The Dog Who Owns a Ford.
"Among many millions, this outrageous insult to one's intelligence, this mockery known as commercials, until I know I shall go berserk if I should continue as a viewerin the future.
"To avoid going mad as a hatter I must bid you and your colleagues adieu.
"Please do not consider me a sort of demented crank or neurotic malcontent.
"I am reasonably normal in my views and have neither ax to grind nor political or commercial position to maintain nor to sustain me.
"I simply feel that if I must be subjected to any more stomach pills or cleansing products with such tyrannous emphasis, I shall uncontrollably smash my television set with the heaviest piece of furniture available which I can lift."
(signed) Robert W. Findlater, 3036 Shrine Place, L.A.
--Don't throw just any piece of furniture. Throw a Riviera Convertible Sofa. They sponsor me.