Paul Coates -- Confidential File, March 28, 1959
March 28, 2009 | 2:00 pm
Mash Notes and Comments(Press Release) "Americans are too modest!
"Branded as braggarts by the rest of the world, we nevertheless suffer from a highly sensitized cultural inferiority complex.
"We consider ourselves peerless in science, technology and industrial know-how, but when it comes to art forms and culture, we meekly take a back seat to the Old World.
"Let's stop underselling ourselves. Let's realize that we, too, have names to be proud of--names like Gilbert Stuart, John Singleton Copley, Thomas Sully, JamesMcNeill Whistler, Winslow Homer, Charles M. Russell and Frederic Remington. They prove that American art is second to none, and that we can be as elated about our pictorial representations as the Europeans are about theirs."
"Our committee was formed to bring these facts home to Americans everywhere. We emphasize Western Americana because too many pseudo-intellectuals tend to frown upon this great art form as mere 'cowboys and Indians.' " (signed Committee for the Restoration of American Western Art, New York City.
--If you haven't played it, don't knock it.
"The other night on the 'Bob Hope Show' Julie London did a sketch with Hope during which she kept calling him 'Adam.' Unfortunately this has had serious repercussions for a member of one of our client's family.
"How can this be? you are probably asking yourself. Well, Paul, actress Jewell Lain has a giant (135 pounds) French poodle named Adam. He was dozing peacefully in the bedroom that fatal evening of the Hope show when, suddenly, his ears perked up at the melodic call of Miss London calling "Oh, Adam' (which was really to Hope on the TV screen).
"The dog thought it was his owner calling him so he trotted into the living room only to find her engrossed in the program and paying no attention to him at all. So he went back to the bedroom.
"Again came the plaintive call of Julie London, 'Oh, Adam.' so the animal trotted happily into the living room expecting to find his mistress anxious to see him. But, alas, he was sadly disappointed.
"Two more times it happened and on each occasion the disillusioned poodle sulkily returned to the bedroom. When the program was finally over and Jewell did call him he wouldn't come. To this very day he won't respond to her call." (signed) Dodge, Heigh & Associates, Beverly Hills.
--Neither will I. but one call from Julie London and I'd bark
"Dear Mr. Coates,
"Welcome to the Low Cholesterol Club! Oh, I'm not going to rub it in, the fat, I mean. I just want to say it isn't as bad as all that.
"It may take a while to get used to no butter on the bread and you'll die when you smell the restaurant odors. But you'll get over it and feel better. Oh, well,Pollyanna, get it over with.
"I just wanted you to take this to your wife and tell her that veal is low in fat and when it or chicken are cooked down in a little wine it is pretty darned good.
"Anyway, Paul, if you can stand it, yogurt makes a wonderful dressing on salad (spiked up for variations) and we have learned to prefer a piece of toast slathered with yogurt over a thin film of jelly. You see, we voluntarily cut out cholesterol foods because I adore my husband and I wish to keep him for as long as possible.
"I'm sure your wife feels the same way." (signed) Lenore Nicholson, Hollywood.
--About your husband?