Paul Coates -- Confidential File, March 14, 1959
March 14, 2009 | 2:00 pm
Mash Notes and Comments
"This week OSCAR will be taping the OSCAR LEVANT show. We think this is an occasion worth noting and celebrating.
"It has been a wonderful and dramatic year for the multitudes of LEVANT fans:
"We can remember with fond smiles the first day he appeared with KCOP. The show was later at night and it was so cold you could build igloos out of your frosty breath, but people came in droves to see the fabulous man.
"Remember the time OSCAR took the sponsor's word for it and threw the 'unbreakable' radio on the floor, only to have it fly into two parts?
"Remember OSCAR distributing daily piles of lye, grease and ink on the floor to mop up for the linoleum sponsor?
"Remember how the camera rushed over to capture the intriguing sight of OSCAR with his head hidden under the shade of a gigantic lamp another sponsor was displaying?
"Remember once, during a commercial, when one of the huge backdrop pieces fell over and missed hitting him on the head by not more than an inch? . . ." (signed) Some of OSCAR'S Fans, Maggie Rose, Rita Carter, ShirleySiegel, Diane White.
-- It missed him? Seems to me SOMETHING must have hit him on the head.
"Mr. Paul Coates,
"Recently you wrote about being in the hospital for a check-up. A doctor once asked me, 'How long since you had a check-up?'
"I told him, 'I never had one.'
"Trouble with you is that you have been placed in the wrong economic bracket by the doctors. If you had been Bill Jones, a garbage collector, the doctors would not find a thing wrong with you.
"The doctors have made the wrong diagnosis of your financial status. Don't try to fool me. You must follow your destiny and you better like it.
"Send $2.00 for complete horoscope and analysis." (signed) Gordon Stuart, 1015 Galloway Street, Pacific Palisades.
-- Sorry. One check-up a year is all I can afford.
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-- Are you sure you're not in this for the money?