Matt Weinstock -- March 10, 1959
Fellow humans, we've had it. The machines apparently have taken over. A librarian at UCLA was baffled by an incoming booklet titled "Proceedings of SHARE," written in a strange mumbo jumbo.
Example: "Ramshaw (UA) revealed that they were making excellent progress with their cross-bar switching arrangement for use of the periquip."
Another: "Borricius stated that an accurate record of the difficulties had failed to reveal any failure in core storage that were not explained by goofs in maintenance."
The librarian called the engineering department and learned that SHARE, the Society to Help Alleviate Redundant Effort, is a co-operative of firms using the IBM-704 machine.
Get the picture? The computing machines now have their own languages, SHAREse. And they're calling us goofs.
HOWEVER, there's evidence that humans have a fighting chance for survival. In fact, an incident the other day indicates the machine may become so ensnarled in its own nuts and bolts it may destroy itself.
Noel Pugh, a student at ELAJC, phoned his girl. Shirley Winstead -- object, a date. Their phones are in the PArkview exchange.
Unaccountably, business people kept cutting in on the line with irrelevant conversations. Noel and Shirley repeatedly hung up so they could dial again, but the intruders were still on the line.
In the hour they tried to communicate, Noel and Shirley were interrupting at least 25 times by, among others, people from the Startler and Rosslyn Hotels, Barker Bros., Armour & Co., U.S. Steel, Standard Oil in Taft, Westinghouse, American Airlines, a beer company either in San Diego or Tijuana, and a lawyer in the Hall of Justice. After a while everyone was hoarsely shouting "Hello!"
But persistence paid off. Noel made the date.
I'm a slave to television:
My defenses are all gone.
I doze each night while watching it,
And sometimes it's not on.
LAST WEEK after wreckers pulled the props out from under the Vanderbilt Hotel on S Figueroa Street and it collapsed in a cloud of dust, a wizened old guy came up to a TV cameraman and asked where his pictures would be shown. The photog named the channel.
"I don't care about the channel," the oldster said irascibly, "I just want to know if it's going to be shown in the newsreel theater."
You could have heard a camera click.
TODAY'S LESSON in parental ethics concerns a man who on a recent Saturday took his daughter Dorsev, 9, to the races.
She toyed successfully with show bets in the early races. Came the fifth and she instructed pater to bet the Aliwar entry on the nose, against his sage advice. It won for $10.50.
Next she wanted to bet $10 on Tall Chief II, a grey ridden by Longden, with whom she happens to be in love. Dad lectured her sternly on the evils of parlays, but as an indulgent parent he put a fin on it for her. He put the other fin on New Shift, which, according to reliable information, couldn't lose. Longden won by three lengths.
He changed the $27 from her $5 ticket into ones and she was delighted. She is also slow in arithmetic. The problem is how to give her the other $27, when he gets it, without arousing her suspicion that the old man is full of chicanery.
MISCELLANY -- The posters on the sides of busses showing a batch of rabbits aren't a reminder of Easter. The idea is that such bus ads multiply sales . . . The girls who takes dictation in offices have a gripe. They wish their bosses would refer to them as "my secretary," not "my girl."
Note: Here's a SHARE reference manual in case you have an IBM-704 taking up your garage. >>> (Ramshaw was Walter A. Ramshaw of United Aircraft Corp.)
And here's the text of UCLA Librarian, with what appears to be the original article.