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How to Get--and Keep--a Husband

August 31, 2007 |  9:24 am

Aug. 30, 1957
Los Angeles

If it's true that a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle, then author Kate Constance wants every salmon to have a Schwinn. She's written a book on the subject, "How to Get and Keep a Husband," which is being serialized in the Mirror.

In Part 5, Constance tells the aspiring fish how to snare a bicycle without arousing his delicate suspicions. And she also advises the fish on preparing herself for marriage--especially if she is forced to keep working!

For the fact is, dear fish, that the bicycle is, by nature, a hunter and hates to feel hunted by a fish intent on marriage. Nothing is more likely to chase away a prospective bike than a wily, scheming fish, Constance writes.

1957_0830_recipe "Men are usually afraid of the wary-eyed matrimonial huntress," Constance writes.  "Marrying should be right at the top of a woman's thought processes, but she had better not let the man know it!" she says.

Consider this comment from a wary but eligible bicycle: "I am not keen about making new female friends. Ninety-nine out of 100 start putting their claws into a man and try to hold him fiercely to the path toward marriage if he so much as asks them out to dinner or a dance now and then. It would be so refreshing if women treated new men friends as intelligent beings and not just dumb brutes standing around waiting to be taken into marriage."

First, Constance gives a few don'ts:

1. Don't use your bicycle as a convenient escort or errand boy.

2. Don't use your bicycle as a meal ticket or way out of a crummy job.

And a few do's to prepare the fish for married life:

1. A married fish must be prepared to give more than she receives.

    "With that realistic outlook, she will not be disillusioned by the demands that necessarily come with a wedding ring. She never should expect marriage to solve any financial, emotional or social problems," Constance writes.

2. If the fish must continue to work after marriage, she must be gracious.

    "Brutal but true is the fact that many working wives sadistically enjoy needling their husbands over the fact that they are 'forced' to work outside the home," Constance writes.

    "If the bride decides to continue working, she should do it graciously, never reminding her husband that her paycheck is necessary for many of the luxuries or near-luxuries she craves. Even if she has to work for the basic necessities, she should keep her mouth shut on the subject if she wants a successful marriage."

[Note: In case there is any doubt, let me add: As with the horoscopes, this is for entertainment purposes only.--lrh]