‘Drag Me to Hell’ : You are Bob Weinstein’s new personal assistant!

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Defamer is reporting today that Bob Weinstein, whom the website snarkily refers to as the ‘silent but deadly snake-in-the-grass to brother Harvey’s raging grizzly bear,’ is looking for a new assistant.

This announcement has inspired much merriment in Hollywood, since signing on as a Weinstein assistant is pretty much in the same league as volunteering to be a suicide bomber. When it comes to being a Boss From Hell, Weinstein is right up there in the pantheon with Scott Rudin, Joel Silver and Kim Jong Il. Since the ad was posted anonymously, it can’t be proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that some poor, bedazzled young film student is going to be hazed within an inch of his or her life, but just to be helpful, I thought I’d fill in some of the blanks with the position, so anyone tempted to take the job might get a hint of the real toil and trouble coming their way.

So here’s what this ‘top NYC entertainment executive is looking for,’ followed by my comments on what it really means:

‘The ideal candidate should have excellent communication skills.’ [TRANSLATION: No matter how loudly I scream expletives at you, you should always say, ‘Thank you, sir!’]

‘Excel under high pressure.’ [TRANSLATION: Copious weeping, groveling, developing a twitch in one eye or hiding under your desk, sucking your thumb and reciting passages from ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ is not an option.]

‘Be motivated, dedicated and extremely loyal.’ [TRANSLATION: If you leak any of my tirades to Defamer, just remember that Bert Fields knows where your parents live in Queens.]

‘Supply constant mobile communication and attend to personal errands.’ [TRANSLATION: Yes, you are also my plumber.]

‘Liaison between executive and studio presidents, talent agencies, Fortune 500 CEOs, writers, directors, producers and A-list talent.’ [TRANSLATION: In the unlikely case that any of them are still bothering to call.]

‘This is a 24/7 job. You must be available on nights and weekends, and expect to spend long hours at the office.’ [TRANSLATION: In other words, pack a toothbrush, a pair of pajamas and a BIG bottle of Tums.)

‘Responsibilities include: Managing heavy phones, rolling calls and maintaining a call sheet.’ [TRANSLATION: If anyone from Goldman Sachs phones about their money, you must always return the call at 5:05 a.m. EST.]

‘Superb gate-keeping skills.’ [TRANSLATION: If Rob Zombie is calling about what happened to our plans for a big TV buy on ‘Halloween 2,’ I am definitely NOT in.]

‘Attending events and company-related functions with executive.’ [TRANSLATION: Under no circumstances should my table be any farther away from the dais than Harvey’s.]

‘Coordinate screenings, meetings, private lodgings, parties for executive and senior staff.’ [TRANSLATION: But always ask for the Auto Club discount.]

‘Minimum of three references.’ [TRANSLATION: If you’ve worked for Scott Rudin, that counts for two.]

‘Take dictation and be responsible for speaking on behalf of executive.’ [TRANSLATION: Whenever I say, ‘You can take that deal memo and shove it up your (expletive)!!!!,’ you are never, ever, in any circumstances, to use less than four exclamation points.]