Critic puts the hurt on 'Marley & Me' in verse

When you have a new movie hitting the multiplex at holiday time, it's always a bad sign when critics write their reviews in rhyme. No one did it better than Manohla Dargis, who back in 2003, when she was a film critic at the L.A. Times, celebrated Thanksgiving by dismantling Mike Myers' frenetic rendition of "The Cat in the Hat," concluding her Seuss-style review by writing:

Critics are paid to suffer bad art,

No matter how icky it is from the start,

So all we could do was to Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!

And we did not like it, Not one little bit.

Now it's New York Post critic Kyle Smith's turn, whose review of "Marley & Me," which opens Christmas Day, is penned in doggerel verse, which he says (clearly with his tongue in cheek) should be sung to the tune of "Some Old Lang Syne," Dan Fogelberg's 1980 hit about two old lovers meeting by chance on Christmas Eve. Calling the film a "labra-bore," Smith gets to take shots at the actors, the script and--being a N.Y. Post critic--manages to rhyme "snooze" with his tabloid's arch-rival, writing "the movie's fit for me to pee upon, like the Sunday Daily News."

He says that he and his date gave the film "two paws down," ending with a joke about dogs being in heat that you'll have to read for yourself. All I can say is this: Seeing movies they disdain seems to give critics' imagination free rein. Or as Smith puts it: 

The dog steals Frisbees and at storms he barks,

That's not exactly life on Mars,

Between the leads I couldn't see sparks,

They're less fun than chasing cars.

Photo of Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson in "Marley & Me" by Barry Wetcher / 20th Century Fox

Comments

[Yeah I Said It]

I read the book (wonderful, wonderful) and when I heard they were doing a movie starring these 2 horrible actors, I thought, I hope the author gets paid big time.

They always ruin books made into movies.

I definitely won't see this trash

[Margarita]

The dog is cuter than the actors...both Wilson and Aniston are boring, boring and more boring....they need a cute dog to distract their terrible performances....both actors represent what is wrong with the me generation....selfishness, humungous egos, desperate for any publilcity, and a simplistic approach to acting (it takes more than a smile to act)!

[Susan Eiswerth]

My husband and I celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary by going to see Marley and Me last night. I don't know what a movie critic's life is like beyond the drama of wielding power over the movie industry in their little circle of influence, but these negative reviews only point out how shallow and underexposed their own lives must be. Marley & Me is a touching review of life with kids, a wacky dog and the trials of marriage -- similar to Please Don't Eat the Daisies film of the1960's. It is touching and true to life in ways that perhaps movie critics can never understand. We thought the performances by all the actors -especially Wilson and Aniston were superb - and the portrayal of the tensions of married life, job changes, family decisions and the hope that a dog will make things better, is classic. We also have a "Marley" yellow lab that we rescued several years ago. Bailey has eaten my blue tooth+ cell phone, driver’s lic. passport along with the entire contents of my leather (Coach) handbag - why he wasn't interested in the leather bag is beyond me.. . He has also dined upon an assortment of socks, pantyhose, washrags and undergarments, a plastic bottle containing a few (thankfully few) tablets of Tylenol, aspirin and vitamins, two halter leashes and one collar - including the metal buckle.
We have washed off poop to search for a watch and other offending items so as to avoid surgery. He has been able to drag me down the street chasing a butterfly - yet sleeps peacefully at my feet as a loving and loyal companion. My husband and I have had plenty of arguments with this dog in our lives - even after raising four children and making several job related moves through the years. Yet it is often the gentle nature and affection of this family pet that keeps things moving forward and helps us get over the rough spots. Marley & Me was a wonderful movie gift of the holiday season. In the closing lines, Owen Wilson delivers the entire point of the film beautifully summed up. Perhaps the critics should listen again. In the midst of life and its relationship chaos, unconditional love is what life is all about - a message obviously lost on these thickheaded critics. For those considering dropping $$ on this film, especially if you are a dog lover at any level, you won't be disappointed.