'Funky Cold Tim Tebow' and other potential comeback hits
Now that it's apparently trendy to use Tim Tebow's name in an updated version of an '80s hit (no, you weren't dreaming -- John Parr really did record "Tim Tebow's Fire"), here are some ideas that could help pop stars of yesteryear get their careers back on track:
"Wake Me Up Before You Tebow," by Wham!
A surefire hit! Not only does it utilize the name of the mega-popular Denver Broncos quarterback, it also talks about the pop culture phenomenon he inspired -- posing on one knee as if in prayer anywhere there's a camera around. After all, the one-time fad of streaking inspired a No. 1 hit, so why not Tebowing? But if George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley shoot a new video in which they actually Tebow, they probably should rethink the length of their shorts.
"Funky Cold Tim Tebow," by Tone Loc
What a great title, even if I'm not exactly sure what it means. I get the "cold" part -- after all, he does play in Denver -- but "funky" is not a word anyone would use to describe Tebow. Loc will have to explain that part in the lyrics, all which will need to be rewritten anyway since they currently describe a lot of un-Tebowlike behavior. Otherwise, this one may have to go the way of another phenomenal title I ultimately had to reject because it made no sense ("I Want Tebow What Love Is").
"Tim Tebow Killed the Patriots Star," by The Buggles
This one faces a lot of hurdles, not the least of which is it makes it sound like the devout Christian quarterback broke the 6th Commandment. And even if we can get past that, the only way this concept will work is if the Broncos find a way to beat the heavily favored New England Patriots in Foxboro on Saturday. Tebow also would have to outplay opposing quarterback Tom Brady, which seems unlikely since Brady threw for the second-most yards in NFL history this season. But then again, anything can happen when Tebow is involved.
"Tim, Tim Tebow," by Vanilla Ice
Vanilla Ice is already long overdue for a comeback anyway (trust me on this one). A new version of his mega-hit that repeats Tebow's name over and over is sure to make that happen. My favorite line from the original is when Ice brags about "cooking MCs like a pound of bacon." In the new version, he can change MCs to DBs, which would be appropriate since Tebow just smoked the Pittsburgh secondary last weekend. Maybe they can get Steelers cornerback Ike Taylor in a giant frying pan for the music video.
"Nas-T," by Janet Jackson
This is a rather under-developed idea at this point. The title does not describe Tebow's personality at all (plus it really doesn't even mention his full name, which is key when you're trying to exploit someone). And the last time Jackson and the NFL mixed, the results were very un-Tebowlike. Really the only idea I have for this one is for Jackson to remind us, in that sassy voice of hers, that the Broncos quarterback's name is Tim, Mr. Tebow if you're nasty. The rest, I'm sure, will work itself out.
"Mr. Tebowto," by Styx
This song could be epic -- or it could be really, really stupid (I can imagine that Styx had a similar debate before recording the original version). Just think of the possibilities -- T-shirts, posters, actions figures, maybe even a computer-generated showdown between Mr. Tebowto and that Fox football robot. Like I said, epic ... or stupid. And for the millions of people who simply want to say "domo arigato" to Tebow -- well, here's their chance.
Those are all off the top of my head. I'd love to hear your suggestions -- and I'm sure a lot of former pop stars would too.
-- Chuck Schilken