Ted Green: L.A. stories ... asked and answered

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These L.A. stories are in the news. And if they’re not, they will be. Let me help with some perspective and explanation.

An idea for crowd control: If they do hold a huge Michael Jackson memorial service at Staples Center on Tuesday, have a Sparks game come in immediately behind it. That should clear the arena quickly and safely.

Why Manny won’t apologize: Because it’s like asking a frat boy to apologize for drinking beer. Why should he when everyone on frat row is doing the same thing? Ever notice that none of the performance enhancers who get busted in baseball ever show an iota of genuine remorse or honest contrition? And when they do apologize, it’s because their agents tell them it’s good PR. Why don’t they ever own up? Because they aren’t sorry! They figure they’re doing what 95% of players in every clubhouse have, and likely still are doing, which is juicing, a way of life in today’s game. They’re only sorry they get caught.

Why Juan Pierre, a top 10 hitter in the National League, has to go back to the bench: Because his next home run this season will be his first. Because with his arm, Juan needs TWO relay men. Because they’re paying Manny mucho dinero. And because no one wants to pay to sit in Pierrewood.

Why it’s non-negotiable -- the Dodgers and Ned Colletti must bring in a front-line pitcher: Because they could lose their chance at the World Series if they don’t. And if Joe Torre keeps over-relying on the bullpen the way he has, the Troncosos, Belisarios and Broxtons are gonna be KICKING the ball up to home plate by mid-August. But Kershaw is growing up very quickly now, right before our eyes. If they add a Peavy or Cliff Lee and Manny hits, they’re way good to go.

Why Randy Wolf gets so many no-decisions: Is it lack of run support, bad luck, occasionally good luck? I can’t decide. Apparently, it’s contagious. But if he gets any more no-decisions, he’s going to have to start pitching for the government.

Why Kobe is staying with the Lakers: Because the water along the Riverwalk in San Antonio is dirty and muddy? Because you can’t find good sushi in Memphis? Because Houston has a problem? Because 20 other NBA franchises are useless? I mean, where would he go, New York? They have no players. Besides, the Knicks haven’t won a title since Red Holzman had hair and Phil Jackson was 27 with hips of his own that worked. Of COURSE Kobe is staying with the Lakers. L.A. is his home and he owns this city now. Besides, staying is his only shot at catching Jordan and his six rings.

Why Shaq won’t make the difference in Cleveland: Because he’s on the downside. Because his downside has a downside and it’s getting steeper by the minute. The Cavs were already playing too slowly and not scoring enough points BEFORE Shaq got there. Now they’ll be playing at the speed of a 33-RPM vinyl record. LeBron can film three more puppet commercials in the time it’ll take Shaq to cross half-court.

Why the Clippers are apparently trading their top scorer, Zach Randolph: You really have to ask? Randolph is one of those NBA scorers who is just good enough to lose 60 games with. I hear there is actually a lottery Ping-Pong ball that has Zach’s picture on it. Besides, in financial terms, owing Zach Randolph $33 million must feel like owning stock in General Motors. Plus, confidence in your scoring ability is not the same thing as smart. The Clips knew Zach would still need 30 touches a night to feel like The Man, but there’s only room for one man and Blake Griffin is The Man now. Or should be by January.

-- Ted Green