Ted Green: The real Manny Ramirez questions are answered

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Now that they’ve gone Albucuckoo in Albuquerque, treating Manny Ramirez’s aptly named ‘rehab’ assignment like the biggest thing to happen in New Mexico since aliens landed in Roswell, here are the answers to all the important Manny questions you may be asking.

This, of course, is in connection with all the fuss being made over a charismatic drug cheat with cool dreads who has shown zero remorse to his baseball public after getting busted for performance enhancers.

Ethically speaking, should the Dodgers be profiting from three rare sellouts at their triple-A affiliate as well as Manny souvenir sales in New Mexico?

No, this is called blood money. Or dirty, sexy money. In a sport already bereft of real integrity, every penny the team makes should go into drug-prevention and -awareness programs.

How much money is Manny losing during this 50-game suspension?

Not enough, but the actual answer down to the penny, based on his 2009 salary of $23,854,494, is $7,347,184 and 15 cents.

All Manny has really said so far in response to questions about steroid use is that he ‘didn’t rape or murder no one’ along with, ‘I ain’t talkin’ about this anymore.’ Any more?

How could he talk about it any LESS? So, what should Manny be saying? How about:

I’m genuinely sorry for letting everyone down. I want kids who like me and follow the Dodgers and baseball to know that taking drugs of any kind can have dramatically dangerous health consequences. I would also like to apologize sincerely to the players and fans, my teammates and coaches, and also to the Dodgers and Major League Baseball. I’m sorry, man, I messed up real bad.

On July 3, what happens to Juan Pierre, who’s played such great baseball while taking Manny’s place?

He goes back to the bench, giving the Dodgers probably the best fourth outfielder in the big leagues. If Joe Torre is creative, and he is, he’ll give Kemp, Ethier and Manny one day off each week, giving the deserving Pierre three games per week so he can stay in the mix.

What effect did the ‘fertility drug’ Manny said he took actually have on him?

He’s now addicted to pickles and ice cream.

Really, how do you expect Manny to perform once he is reinstated?

Best guess, brilliantly.

Manny being Manny. One bomb on July 3, L.A. names a street after him. Two bombs, the Lakers throw him a parade in the Coliseum.

Seriously, will he be welcomed back by Dodger fans?

Warmly, adoringly, almost universally. Our sports heroes are tainted these days. Most people are now inured to it. But it’s still sad that we have to yell ourselves hoarse for cheaters.

Is Manny going to end up in the Hall of Fame?

Honestly, at this point, does it matter? Cooperstown is now fatally corrupted every time they let anyone in who played during baseball’s Steroid Era. And the record book, once baseball’s Holy Grail, is now irretrievably destroyed also. But it’s still a great game to watch and play.

Who should we suspect has used, or is still using, steroids in baseball?

No joke here -- literally everyone except David Eckstein.

-- Ted Green

Green formerly covered sports for the L.A. Times. His two sons in college baseball didn’t and don’t take anything except sunscreen. He is currently senior sports producer for KTLA Prime News.