The odd couples of sports merchandise
This article was originally on a blog post platform and may be missing photos, graphics or links. See About archive blog posts.
Sports fans are gearing up for sunburn season and there’s a new entry in the highly competitive market for products that help you get buzzed without getting burnt (this is another one).
Race Face is advertised as ‘the only sunscreen licensed by NASCAR with a built-in bottle opener.’ Don’t settle for any of those imitation NASCAR sunscreens with a built-in bottle opener.
Of course, glass bottles (the kind that need bottle openers) aren’t allowed at most tracks -- where you actually need sunscreen -- but that hasn’t stopped race fans, in my experience. I remember one time at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway when security guards who were supposed to be screening patrons for contraband employed such invasive techniques as smiling and saying ‘Have a nice day!’
But for every sunscreen with a built-in bottle opener success story, there are dozens of product pairings that don’t make it to the big leagues (or even to the top of the funny car class). Here are some of the ones that crashed and burned:
Los Angeles Angels hat with built-in GPS -- Created so fans would know they’re actually in Anaheim. Arte Moreno blocked an attempt to purchase billboard advertising and nobody ever found out about the idea.
Clippers playoff tickets with Zoloft anti-depression prescription -- At least fans can use one of them. Never got FDA approval.
Aston Martin with chrome breathalyzer ignition lock -- Custom built for celebrity athletes to keep them on court rather than in court. The device proved ineffective when athletes realized groupies could blow it.
Cellphone with a Laker flag -- These were immensely popular in the 1980s, but you probably just don’t remember. With the disappearance of Zack Morris phones, the flags found a new home on local cars.
Ed Hardy/Affliction T-shirts with creatine or synthol -- What goes better with fake tattoos than fake muscles?
Dodger ticket with second-inning self-destruct device -- Hoping to reclaim that early-inning home field advantage, Dodger execs wanted to encourage fans to make it by opening pitch. Then they realized people were just waiting in the parking lot through the third inning, when Vin Scully stops simulcasting on radio.
Serena Williams tennis racket with a No. 1 foam finger -- It’s actually not clear which finger Williams is waving at the moment.
Replica NASCAR with right hand turn signal -- This feature turned out to be as useful as a 300-pound jockey.
The latest A-Rod book and dinner for two at Lawry’s the Prime Rib -- So at least you get some substance.
-- Adam Rose